more crying

I am still a bit teary.  It doesnt take much to set it off.  I havent cried yet today though.

Yesterday, I went to get my stitches out and started crying again when seeing the GP.  Just remembering this makes me want to cry again.

It just keeps coming.

I cant wait for the drugs to smooth out inside me.

It looks like the GP did a good job with removing the growth on my stomach.  The results came back as normal.  It was “some big word” and she advised it was good we removed it now.

The scar is quite fine and she said it would disappear in time.  All good.

After the GP, I went upstairs for my appointment with the psychologist and cried through most of that.

It seems to be my thing at the moment.

I know it will get better as the drugs even out.

I have had to have another day off work.  I cant exactly go to work and start crying all over the place.

I had already organised to have tomorrow off to go to the PTSD clinic, so dont have to go to work until Saturday.

Ive SMSed one of my people to see if they can swap next Saturday for this Saturday.  Fingers crossed.

Im hoping I will be better by some time on the weekend.  I want to try an xtend barre class, so I can see if I like it.

If I do I want to do the 60 Day Challenge, which starts on February 10.

I did ballet when I was at school and still love to watch it and listen to Swan Lake etc.

Xtend Barre is a mixture of ballet barre exercises and pilates.



the off switch

I really wish I knew where this was!

I laid in bed for ages last night and my mind would not switch off.

This happens on a regular basis.

Lucky for me I dont have to go to work today.  Although when this happens I seem to wake up early too.

Does anyone know where the off switch is or how to turn it off without the switch???

I dont know if it is a feature of depression or not.  I know it can be.

I had too many days off over the last couple of years due to this.  It would cause high anxiety and I couldnt go to work.

One day I woke up early after a night of this and went to work and I was OK, and now I can go to work with little sleep.

Im not sure why on that day I was able to jump this hurdle, but what a relief that I did, so I dont have to take a day off work.

Now I just have to work on leaving the house not being so exhausting and draining.

time goes by

Although Im feeling more alert, not as sleepy, no need for naps, waking up early etc etc.

My motivation levels are still

I am at work and it is quieter, as some schools are already on Christmas holidays and it always gets quiet at this time of year.

I dont have much day to day stuff to do because of this and I really dont feel like doing anything.

I am not going on holidays until Monday 24th, but I cant imagine doing a whole week next week with it being this quiet!  The days will draaaaaaaaaaaag.

Found some things to do.  Yey!  It is 2.19pm now, not long to go.

I did start this blog about an hour or so ago and then got sidetracked with WORK. 🙂

Back to work…


monday is here again

It comes around so quickly.  We need a three day weekend.  That would be awesome.

Im at work and not much is going on.

When I got here this morning there was only one guy form the software team and the usual early contractor in my team wasnt here.

I said to S that I actually prefer it when they are not here and he agreed.  He doesnt know why they keep them on.

Neither do we.

Got a phone call from an old colleague at the place I worked before here.  I enjoyed working there and still miss the people I worked with.

Some of them are now working in one of the buildings next door, so I had lunch with them.  One of the guys I used to work with when I first started there was my buddy and he was at lunch.  It was so good to see him.

I missed the good old days with RL, BMB, PA and me.  We had such fun when we werent busy.

If only time could be turned back.

the chat

Not being busy at work and the two contractors being so judgemental has been  bothering me a lot.

So I had a chat with my boss.

She has been working there a long time and Ive always got on well with her.

I did ask one of the few people I do trust, who is in her team downstairs, if she is a good person to talk to that wont talk to anyone else about our conversation and he said she is really good like that.

I told her that we really arent that busy and Im bored.  She knows what I used to be like.  Always busy, good with responsibility.  These are some of the things that make me tick.  I never minded going to work before when I had these things.

I did tell her the work had been given to the contractors rather than the permanent staff for quite some time now.  She doesnt understand this method and neither do we, as we are the ones who will be staying and need to retain the knowledge.  Not contractors who would take the knowledge with them.

She said she remembers and I told her I need these things to give me job satisfaction.

I told my other permanent team member (there are two of us) that I miss the days where it was just the two of us and we were busy and knew the environment well.  I never had days off and I had job satisfaction.  He agreed that he missed it too.

My boss said she thought there was something not quite right in our area and she was glad that I spoke to her because it made more sense now.

She mentioned getting rid of both of the contractors and said maybe start with one.  She was going to have a chat with her boss about it.

I woke up last night at 3.30am and upon awaking I was instantly racked with guilt at the thought of one of them not having their contract renewed because of me, even though we dont really need them.

I told her it wasnt personal, it wouldnt matter who was taking the work away from us and making us bored.  I just dont see the point of going to work if we dont have enough to do.  I hate being bored.  Im sure a lot of people would love to be able to go to work and do nothing, but not me.

My depression raised its ugly head again with a vengeance when all this started, but I only pinpointed it earlier this year, that this it really started to get worse.

I feel so unneeded, hopeless and useless.

Im nervous of the outcome.

norty me

I did not go to work today.  😐

I just didnt want to leave the house.

I did a five day week last week, which is really hard for me.  I was completely exhausted by the end of the week.

I enjoyed my day at home.  I had a sleep in, which was awesome.  Hung with the kitties, catching up on some stuff and generally relaxing.

I really have to try harder not to do this.

With kitties like these it is so hard to stay away 🙂

why does it have to be so hard

When a hurdle comes up, not easy ones, ones that cause stress and elevate my depression and anxiety.

The first thing I think of and wish for is for it to be over.  I just dont want to have to deal with this crap anymore.

Today, I managed to drag myself out of bed.  It was a little easier because kitty was making a racket and wanted to go outside.

Work was going OK until…

There are two contractors that have been here for at least 2 -3 years in my team.  They like to have chats (“bitch”) with each other about the amount of time I have had off work over the last 18 months.  They are contractors, why do they care?  It doesnt affect them in any way.  Do they seriously think I do it because I couldnt be bothered coming to work and if that was the case, it is none of their business.  They get paid and it’s not like they do the work I do when Im not here.

Our Team Leader, who is also a contractor, and only went into that position when our previous Team Leader left.  I am finding mostly that he is an easy person to work for/with.  I mentioned to him that the reason I have had so much time off is due to medical reasons and he said he didnt know.  I wonder why he thought I was taking so much time off?

I just dont need this shit from anyone.  All I need right now is something else to stress about and which will bring me down again. F**K!!!  It always seems to be one hurdle after another.  Why cant people just mind their own business and just work as a team.  There is definitely a lot of “I”s in this team.

They have their own thing going on between them with work and I have no idea what they are doing, they dont communicate with me what they are doing, so when I do something and I havent told them and they get pissed off.  They dont tell me, so how the F**K am I supposed to know.

I wish kitty and I could go to sleep and never wake up.  It would be so much easier.

F**K I hate people!  They make life so fn difficult.  (There is a small percentage of people I dont hate).  But the majority of people are selfish and it’s all about them and they dont give a shit about anyone else.