panic alert

Last night I had a really strong panic attack.

I was half asleep.

All I remember is knowing bf was going to turn off the hallway light and realising that was what he was going to do.

I felt panic and tried to turn on the bedside lamp before he turned the hallway light off.

I missed by seconds and the panic attack hit hard.

I always find when I have a panic attack I tend to end up kneeling on the floor with my hands on the floor.

It has been a long time since I have had a panic attack like this.

I was so scared.  Panic = scary

Part of the  sensation a panic attack brings on always reminds me of some of the sensations I used to feel when I had seizures, when I was younger.

I cant seem to separate the two.

Even though the many panic attacks I have had over the years, Ive never had a seizure, I still cant seem to separate the two.

I havent had a seizure since my early twenties.  They started around 16 y.o. and stopped in my mid twenties.

The doctors couldnt find out why they started, so I just had to live with it and take medication for it.

I hadnt had a panic attack for years until about a month ago.

After one session in the PTSD programme a few weeks ago, I had the first panic attack I had in years.

I was walking past a building where quite a few people were coming out of.

I couldnt go down the stairs because the panic attack took over and I had to go somewhere where there were no people.  Luckily that was just on the other side of the top of the stairs.  It was also the first time I had gone by myself, as the last couple of times bf went as well, before he was told he didnt fit the criteria of the PTSD programme.

The next week the same thing happened, in exactly the same place.  This time the panic attack was stronger and I had to take a couple of valium and ring bf to help me through it.

Bf was just getting into bed last night when it happened and I dont think bf has actually witnessed me having one before.

By the time I was able to get off the floor, bf was almost asleep.

I laid in bed crying, knowing that my days of panic attacks are still not over.

Panic attacks exhaust me and tend to bring on depression afterwards.

I thought my days of panic attacks were over, but clearly not.

Will it ever end?



a little breakdown

I slept well again last night, but as usual was still tired when it was time to get up and get ready for work.

I was still feeling dizzy and finding it hard to focus, which was making me feel anxious, so had to take Valium again to even try to focus a little.

I found it really hard to focus and do anything.   I have so much to do.

When I was at home I was feeling dizzy and anxious and then all of a sudden I burst in to tears and couldnt stop.

The dizziness is making me feel really anxious and it is a bit disconcerting.

Fortunately the medical centre I have been going to is open until 9pm, so I rang and was able to go down there straight away.

I had another crying episode when I was with the GP and had to wait until I stopped to tell him why I was there.

He advised to not up my Allegron as planned tomorrow and give it another week before increasing the dosage.

He advised that my heart was racing and asked if I had any Valium I could take.  I do, so I took some when I got home, as I was bawling and quite anxious and couldnt stop.

I wont be able to go to work tomorrow.  I dont want to be bawling at work tomorrow.  People will think I have lost it.

The crying and anxiety has exhausted me somewhat, so an early night and rest tomorrow will hopefully help, so I can go to work on Thursday.

I bothers me quite a lot, that I have to take a day off work already and Ive only been back two days.

Bf was at fencing and was going to be there until about 10pm, so on my way back from the doctors (a short walk up the road), I rang him and asked him to come home.  I didnt want to be on my own feeling like this.

When he came home I burst into tears again.  He said you know everythings OK, which I know it is.  I told him the drugs are having this effect on me.

Even know Im having random moments where I want to cry, for no reason at all.

I hope the new drug Allegron kicks in soon and works its magic stuff.

Im pretty tired now from feeling all over the place, so should go to bed soon.




Last night I didnt go to bed until about 1.30am.  I was watching a music video TV show and reading blogs.

Whenever I got up, I got really dizzy and eventually was getting zaps from behind my left eye to the top of my head (on the inside).

It took a few times for this to happen and when I went to bed I realised I forgot to take my medication.

The zaps started to get more intense, so the anxiety set in.  When I get anxious I scratch my neck and my sides from the bottom of the ribs and my waist.

I went back to bed thinking it would go away if I went to sleep, but then thought if I left it any longer, by the time I got up in the morning I would be feeling much worse.

So  I had to get up again and I had to take 15mg of Valium and the medication I missed and then went back to bed again.

After a half an hour or so, I was still anxious and couldnt sleep, so took another 15mg of Valium.

Because I have been on it for years, it takes more to actually kick in.

I finally got to sleep about 2.30am ish and woke up around 9,30am because Neo wanted to snuggle and get a belly rub.

So now I was awake, so decided to get up when the  belly rub and snuggle was finished.

Had a cuppa, read some blogs and got read to go out with bf.

We went to replenish my drugs, did a little shopping and then went to the Sydney Dogs & Cats Home.

I have signed up to volunteer every couple of weeks to help with the kitties.  There were only a few kitties there, because the day before they had 4 or 5 adoptions.  Good to hear.  The guy said it coming into kitten season, so are expecting more soon.

Now I have to wait to hear from the person in charge of the volunteers.

Im getting sleepy now, so a nap will be in order soon.

But first we are going to sit in the backyard with the kitties, as Morpheus loves us sitting with him in the backyard.

We are supposed to be going out with one of bf’s friends tonight to catch up and he wants to go out dancing after.  I dont know that we will go for that.

I dont plan big nights, they just happen, so we will see how we go.

Off to have a glass of Rose in the backyard with bf and the kitties. 🙂  It is a beautiful day outside 🙂

glamping at cockatoo island

I was supposed to go to Cockatoo Island yesterday morning with the 12wbt Inner West fitness group to do a fitness course/event made up by one the girls.  Then stay overnight glamping on Cockatoo Island and come back home today.

I thought it was a great idea and was really looking forward to it.

bf was going to come and it would have been a fun weekend.

A couple of weeks ago bf realised he wouldnt be able to do the Saturday fitness event because his boss was on leave and he couldnt take the day off.  Then a couple of weeks ago his bosses boss wanted him to work the Sunday too.

I couldnt go with bf.  It would have been way to far out of my comfort zone.

I dont like the idea of sleeping anywhere but at home without bf.  I just cant do it.

The idea is bad enough, let alone doing it!  My anxiety would go through the roof and Valium would be needed.

bf couldnt understand why I didnt go, as he knew I had been looking forward to it.

I just told him I couldnt without him.  He didnt really understand it too clearly, but then I found it hard to explain why “I just couldnt”.

Oh well, you get that.  Another safe weekend at home.

bf is working all weekend and the cats crashed out on the bed in the middle of the day and havent come out since.   I occasionally go in and give them a pat and say hello.

We went out for Thai last night to one of our favourites.  Very yummy!

And then we came home and bf suggested a joint, so we got stoned together, had a giggle together and had the munchies together.  We went across the road around midnight to the 24hr petrol station to get some chocolates.  Silly us 🙂

Now I need a nap, even though I got up about 11am and so very nearly just rolled over to go back to sleep.  My joints ache and Im sleepy, so will go and join the kitties for a nap. 🙂

Then do the usual, shower, wash the hair etc to get ready for another fun filled week at work. 😐  I just hope I can manage 5 whole days.  It is so hard and exhausting, but need to do it so I can accrue some leave for a holiday with bf next year.

Off to Zzzzzzzzzz…

one step back

I didnt go to work today.  I stayed at home all day and slept most of it.

Im sooooooo tired all the time.  Im not sure why.  It doesnt matter if I sleep 6 hours or 12 hours, I just feel tired.

It is so hard to leave the house.  It is a struggle every day.

bf doesnt know. He went to work before me, so will assume I got out of bed and went to.

When bf is working on Saturday or Sunday or both, I dont leave the house and spend most of the day in bed.

Im over being so exhausted all the time.

Other than than I feel much the same –  flaaaaaaaaaat.  I dont get enjoyment from much.  Just my kitties.

We have tickets to Smashing Pumpkins tonight and even though they are my favourite band, I would rather stay home in my PJs and go to bed early.

Last year, we had tickets to 30 Seconds to Mars. I missed it.   I just couldnt bear it.  My anxiety and panic attacks were a lot worse back then. I  think that was last year.  Or was it the year before??  Cant remember.  Like most things I cant remember.

I had to swallow a few valiums for the last Marilyn Manson gig we saw.