not too bad

My GP had gone on two months holiday and I was still having the odd panic attack.  At least two a week.

So I lowered my drugs by one pill (25mg).

About three weeks ago, I had a good day.

And then another.

And then another!

A small miracle has occurred.

The last three weeks I have been feeling mostly good, possibly even great at times.  Even maybe felt happy.

(Im attributing this to lowering my dosage and then the panic attacks stopped all together.)

Seven days in from my first good day, I had a day that I felt not so great.  My anxiety was making me feel like crap.

I had a late night the night before and a few drinks.  Not enough to be drunk, but more than the two I probably would have.

If I go to bed really late, I get to a point where I cant sleep and then my anxiety and panic kick in and I was only able to sleep 2 -3 hours in the very early morning.

So I lost the whole day.  I couldnt do anything or go anywhere.  All I could do was feel like crap.

I took a few valium throughout the day and couldnt sleep all day and found it quite difficult to sleep that night.

So I was very tired on Monday, but managed to go to work.

A major step forward for me, being able to go to work after a day of trying to control anxiety and panic.

I didnt feel great and didnt actually get a good night sleep until Tuesday night.

By that time I was exhausted.

Since then, I have been feeling pretty good.

I have had a few days over the last week, where at work, my head was foggy due to anxiety and I didnt get as much work done as I would like.

I think my anxiety increased due to some changes at work and my workload is increasing and will continue to stay at an increased level for a little while.

Today my head was foggy, so again did not get through as much as I wanted to.

Hopefully, on Sunday when I go in, it will be quiet, and hopefully I will achieve a lot more and it will make up for what I didnt get done this week.

So some good progress.

Im not quite there yet, but I feel more hopeful that I will get even better.

Im still always tired.  If I could not feel tired all the time, I would be at my optimum.

I guess anything is possible.





evening out

The Allegron has started to even out.

The GP lowered the dosage, as it was making me stutter and I started having panic attacks again.

After a week or so after lowering the dosage, Im not stuttering as much and it is gradually going away.

The panic attacks lasted a couple of weeks and have stopped also, since lowering the dosage.

I, however, am not evening out.

I still am having reoccurring thoughts of death and different ways I could achieve death.

I have seen an episodes in a TV shows where someone has  shot themselves and killed themselves and another where they wanted to shoot themselves and had run out of bullets.

Both times I wished it could be me, so I dont have to deal with my depression, anxiety or panic attacks.

Or worry about if I cant go to work, that I will lose my job and then cant pay the rent and have nowhere for my kitties to live and have money to look after them.

I dont want to hurt anymore, I dont want to feel like I do anymore.

I wish I didnt have to be strong anymore and go to work, so I can look after my kitties.

I feel so alone.

My friends dont know what is going on and I wont tell them, because then they will talk to other friends and everyone will know, probably think I am crazy somehow.

I cant talk to bf.  He doesnt like talking about serious things and cant handle emotions being showed by either of us.

He would probably be better off, if he didnt have me.  He could find someone younger and will go out more  often to the pub to drink.

I think he would get over not having me around and move on.

Im surprised he havent traded me in for a younger model already.

I often wonder why he stays with me.

He isnt all bad, he has many other good traits that not enough people have. eg. honest, trustworthy.  And he loves my kitties.

I dont want to have to be strong anymore.

Im tired.

So tired.

But I dont know if I am even brave enough to finish the job.

So Im stuck in limbo.

Kitty is sick, but hopefully increasing the dose of his tablets, will keep him well.

If I lose kitty or I am involved in another crime, I know I wont get back up again.

I dont want to keep going now.  Life is so draining.

It would just be easier and less draining if it could end.

I wish I didnt have to go on. Or go to work tomorrow.

But if I stop and I lose kitty, I will die inside first.

Xmas Leave Sleep

I started my leave on Wednesday the week before Xmas, and have spent most of that time asleep.

Im so drained.  I drag myself out of bed anywhere after 11.30am and 2.30pm, and even if it is mid afternoon it is still sooo hard.

bf has no idea what I am doing, as he is at work.

I sleep more than the cats some days and they try and get me out of bed, with a cute paw on the face or a not so cute walk across my stomach.

I just cant seem to get enough sleep.

I want to feel energetic and motivated like I used to be.

I know too much sleep can make you tired, but whether I have a few hours, eight hours or twelve hours it doesnt seem to make any difference.

I hope the new drug Allegron help.


mid week update – not much to tell…

All of Monday morning I had a sore stomach and felt nauseous all day.

On Tuesday I was feeling better and was only tired from going to bed around midnight.

I received my applications forms and police check forms for the voluntary compeer job.

I rang the lady who was the contact to ask if it mattered that I have depression and anxiety issues.

She advised that it definitely wouldnt be a factor that would stop me from volunteering.  Im glad she said that, I was a bit worried that I would be able to volunteer because of it.  I think suffering with these conditions is one of the reasons I volunteered.  I understand what it is like and also understand the stigma of having a mental illness in society.

She advised we would discuss it in the interview and they would have my therapist as a contact.  I advised her I dont have a therapist, that I control it only with medication.

If you get accepted after the interview, there is a two day course to complete.

Should be interesting.

Other than the compeer update, there is not much to tell so far this week. A bit blah really.

When I get home I just want to sleep (but what’s new), I guess going to bed after 11pm does not help.  I will have to try to get  to bed earlier.

I find it hard to go to bed early.  I always seem to find something to do to pass the time and end up going to bed late and cant get out of bed in the morning.

But other than that, this week has been OK.

Hope all your weeks are going OK.

feelin a bit crap

Due to my lack of ability to get a good nights sleep lately, I am starting to feel pretty crap.

When I dont sleep well, I tend to start getting anxious and it can lead to feeling panicky.

Last Thursday night when I got hardly any sleep, I seemed to get through the day without anxiety and panic, even though I was really tired.

Today Im not coping so well.

I thought after Friday, I had got over a new hurdle and would be able cope.

I really have to start not having any days off.

I want to be like I used to be where I never got sick and rarely had days off.  But back then I had a lot more job satisfaction and was happier and more fulfilled mentally at work.  My depression etc. wasnt as bad either.

Only 2 hours and 5 minutes to go and I can go home. Although, if I start to feel any worse the bus ride home is not going to be fun and it will seem to be a lot longer than it is.

I used to have regular, bad panic attacks on the bus.  Going to work and coming home was a nightmare for me.

Only 1hr 15mins to go until I can go home and Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz….

glamping at cockatoo island

I was supposed to go to Cockatoo Island yesterday morning with the 12wbt Inner West fitness group to do a fitness course/event made up by one the girls.  Then stay overnight glamping on Cockatoo Island and come back home today.

I thought it was a great idea and was really looking forward to it.

bf was going to come and it would have been a fun weekend.

A couple of weeks ago bf realised he wouldnt be able to do the Saturday fitness event because his boss was on leave and he couldnt take the day off.  Then a couple of weeks ago his bosses boss wanted him to work the Sunday too.

I couldnt go with bf.  It would have been way to far out of my comfort zone.

I dont like the idea of sleeping anywhere but at home without bf.  I just cant do it.

The idea is bad enough, let alone doing it!  My anxiety would go through the roof and Valium would be needed.

bf couldnt understand why I didnt go, as he knew I had been looking forward to it.

I just told him I couldnt without him.  He didnt really understand it too clearly, but then I found it hard to explain why “I just couldnt”.

Oh well, you get that.  Another safe weekend at home.

bf is working all weekend and the cats crashed out on the bed in the middle of the day and havent come out since.   I occasionally go in and give them a pat and say hello.

We went out for Thai last night to one of our favourites.  Very yummy!

And then we came home and bf suggested a joint, so we got stoned together, had a giggle together and had the munchies together.  We went across the road around midnight to the 24hr petrol station to get some chocolates.  Silly us 🙂

Now I need a nap, even though I got up about 11am and so very nearly just rolled over to go back to sleep.  My joints ache and Im sleepy, so will go and join the kitties for a nap. 🙂

Then do the usual, shower, wash the hair etc to get ready for another fun filled week at work. 😐  I just hope I can manage 5 whole days.  It is so hard and exhausting, but need to do it so I can accrue some leave for a holiday with bf next year.

Off to Zzzzzzzzzz…

another week goes by & still so tired

Another week gone.

I havent really achieved too much, because I sleep A LOT.

After my blog “to be honest” about not really liking myself, a blog friend suggested I asked bf what he liked about me.

So I did.

He said “everything” – the whole package.  🙂

I also asked him what three things he didnt like.  They were :

–  I sleep too much.

–  I nag him sometimes.

and I cant remember the third thing, but it wasnt anything major.

I do sleep too much and I told him I only nag sometimes because he is lazy.

So not a bad result.

I am always tired regardless of how much sleep I get and it is frustrating because it prevents me from doing more.

Through my blog  reading yesterday I read a blog on fibromyalgia.  It is a term I have read in some blogs over the last couple of weeks, but didnt know what it was.

I was reading a fellow bloggers blog and came across this very informative blog on fibromyalgia.  Very interesting.  I came across this blog from a link from another blog page, which I cant find again.

So many of the symptoms are how I feel.  I am seeing my GP tomorrow and will ask him about it, if I remember.

It will be interesting to see what he says, as from reading some GPs dont believe in it and a lot of people are misdiagnosed with depression and anxiety.