tough times ahead

bf and I just seem to grow farther and farther apart.

He works six days a week and three nights a week training to be a fencing instructor.

I went back to fencing about 10 weeks ago.  This was not an easy feat.

I did it for him, because he wanted be to go back.  I also did it for me.  I once enjoyed fencing and due to confidence issues, I had to give it up.

I have no self esteem or confidence.

The first night I went back I was so anxious, I had to try not to cry.

Each week has got easier.  It helped that the guys in my classes were friendly and also showed difficulty in getting some of the things we were taught right.

None of us passed the Novice course.  Im not surprised that I didnt, as I had forgotten so much.  It had been eighteen months since I last fenced and the last couple of months back then were are blur, due to my anxiety.

Surprisingly it did not upset me that I hadnt passed.  I guess the fact that noone else, probably helped.

I have decided to start from scratch and start at the beginners course, as there were references to the Beginners course that I did not remember as it was over two years ago.

So, I will go in and start from scratch and maybe in time I will get back to where I was.

I have to admit I am glad that I went back.  It was a major feat for me.

There are also a lot of nice people in the Sabre Centre.

Getting back to bf.

He will be working days and four nights at fencing.  This  does not seem to bother him at all.

I dont think it has crossed his mind that it means we will see even less of each other and when I mentioned it to him, he got annoyed with me, even though I wasnt talking to him in an annoyed manner.

Tonight he only had to be in the centre for an hour, but stayed there anyway and didnt get home for another 2.5 hours.

Tomorrow night he is going in and then going to another fencers place for drinks.

He just doesnt seem to factor me into any of this at all.

Maybe I am being to needy.

I have, like a lot of individuals do, go into a relationship and lose their “self”, their individuality.

I am going to have to start to get back to being an individual and not saying no to plans, just because bf is busy.

It will be hard times and everyone else will have there own things that they do now. So, Im going to have to deal with some instances where everyone else is doing their own thing as they have done, since I slipped out of the social circle.

It is going to hard, seeing that I have no self esteem to start with.

I will have to try to focus on work, and stop having so many days off, due to my “mental” issues.

My drugs arent working, so I am going to have to change drugs again.  What fun that will be!

Last time I thought I was going to lose it, as I didnt know what to do with everything that I was feeling, that had been numbed from the previous drug I was on.

This is going to be a screamer of a roller coaster ride.  And trying to not have days off from work and keep the constants thoughts of wanting to be dead.

If it wasnt for my kitties, and worrying about who would look after them like I do and love them like they do, I wouldnt be here anymore.

Thoughts of wanting to be dead are regularly creeping into my mind.

I am too weak to actually follow through with it.

I have progressed from wanting to go to Kings Cross and asking one of the bikies for a gun or finding out how much they charge to kill someone (me), to stabbing myself in the head repeatedly with an ice pick (I dont think this would last long and would be way to painful), to hanging myself off our back stairs, to taking lots of valium and going for a swim in the ocean and falling asleep in the ocean and drowning.

I have heard that drowning is a peaceful way to die, after the initial loss of air and intake of water.

Maybe the world will all end at once and then I wouldnt have to miss my kitties and they wouldnt have to miss me.

It breaks my heart to think about them wondering where mummy is.

They are so precious.

I dont know if I have the strength for whats coming up.  Only one way will tell.

One of the hardest things is that I dont have anyone to talk to.  bf is emotionally unavailable.  I now know what that means literally.

I cant talk to friends, as Im afraid of the stigma attached and them thinking Im a complete crazy person, which I may be anyway.

i cant even remember the last time he hugged me, the last time we had a passionate kiss or a kiss other than a peck hello.

I miss hugs.

I feel so numb, so empty.

on this roller coaster called life

Up and down, up and down… I will feel ok for a day, maybe two, three and four and then, smack down hard on the bottom again I feel so numb, I can feel the numbness in my face and the deadness inside. I just want to curl up in our dark bedroom and escape. Ive been watching a TV series call Orange Is The New Black.  In one episode Piper gets one of the girls to do her hair and mention how good it feels to be touched by someone, as in prison there is none of that. I cant talk to bf because he doesnt like serious conversations.  They make him uncomfortable.  For quite a long time, I used to hug him for no reason and he would tense up and say “what you want”.  After I asked, he said that his family were not a huggy family.  Mine was, so I feel like Im being starved of affection. I cant tell my friends what Im going through, because people talk and they would gossip. A guy we know, who I used to call a friend, he is a psychologist.  I rang him one day, as I was really struggling and told him some things.   A few months later, someone brought the topic up at my birthday dinner.  If a person who is a psychologist cant be professional and keep friends personal issues to themselves, who an. I always seem to get burnt by people.  I am not a mean person.  I can keep a secret.  All I seem to get is mean people, who dont care enough to think before opening their mouth. I seem to attract mean people. I was targetted in my 20’s in my job, by some overweight women.  They got me into trouble and when HR asked me to sign what they had said, I would not. I was targetted in my late 20’s by a girl who came to share my office, when hers was being renovated.  I had an argument on the phone with my boyfriend at the time and she complained to our boss. I was targetted again in my late 30’s by an Indian girl, who was listening into a conversation and pulled race card on me. I am far from racist.  I was brought up to accept everybody and did.  My eyes were opened wide by someone pulling the race card on me. I seem to attract these kind of people.  Maybe it is something I do, that I dont realise.  Maybe I deserve what I get. If I do, it is not intentional.  I have a good heart and dont intentionally do unkind or mean things to others.  I know how it feels to be on the receiving end of unkindness, meanness and down right nastiness. I hope I dont come across that way to anyone. Whenever I have taken out my frustrations on a shop assistant or a customer service help desk on the phone, I always make a point of going back and apologising, as I dont think it is right to take it out on other people. I still often wish I was dead.  Then there would be no pain. Im too weak to actually finish myself off. The only reason I am here, is I dont know who would look after my kitties the way I do.  I put them first. Eventually they would get over me and forget me.  My bf would move on and find a better model to upgrade to and probably be happier. He would find someone who doesnt have my issues and be happier. I am broken and cant see myself ever being fixed. I distance myself from everyone.  Maybe this is why I have noone to talk to.  I cant trust anyone.  I cant burden others with  my issues or the way I feel, because everyone has their own crap to deal with and dont need to hear mine as well. We exist.  I dont think we go to hell because we are already in it.   This is no life.  All we do is work and sleep, work and sleep and have numerous obstacles thrown at us along the way to see if we break. Clearly my drugs are not working. Ive been to the doctor and  four times have  been given referrals that are the wrong type of doctor and a doctor nowhere near where I live. It is like my destiny is to be pushed over the edge when I can be pushed no more and then fall or break completely.

not feelin so great

I worked today and it went to quick.

I was feeling so great when I finished and still dont.

I dont remember if I took my Allegron last night or not.

Im feeling very flat.

My thoughts have been quite negative.

I looks so unattractive, my thighs look really fat in my jeans.

Im wishing I didnt buy the Meet & Greet ticket to 30 Seconds to Mars movie Artifiact at the end of the month.

Maybe if I looked better I would.

But I dont and will feel so self conscious and ugly.

I feel so ugly.

Not going to Xtend Barre class on Friday & Saturday, is not going help my fatness either.

I really wish the pain would end.

I wish I didnt have depression and anxiety issues.

It would be nice to be normal.

I just want it to stop.

 

the week did get better

It was a grim start to the week.

Thursday afternoon I realised how much work I had managed to do and how clear my head had been that day.

I wish everyday my mind was devoid of fog, like it was on Thursday.

It was a good day!  I need more of these days please!

I managed to do two Xtend Barre classes.

There was a mild blonde moment for the class I was supposed to do on Friday night.

In the morning I went to the PTSD programme, which is really not too much fun, having to relive the robberies.

Afterwards, I had booked myself in for a facial and neck and shoulder massage.

It was wonderful, a nice treat.

I chilled at home for a couple of hours and then went for a nap, with the class at 7.30pm set in my mind.

I woke up and there was a reminder on my phone that the class was at 6.15pm. 😦

It was about 6.30pm, so it had already started.

I now will need to do four classes next week.  😐

It is going to be a busy week.

Monday night – Placebo

Tuesday night – Xtend Barre

Wednesday night – Xtend Barre

Friday night & Saturday morning – Xtend Barre.

Tonight, we might go to a local restaurant for dinner, so we can relax over a couple of wines.

Tomorrow (Sunday), I am working, so home to catch up on some of those things on my long list of things to do!

I have randomly had some dark thoughts cross my mind this week, even after my good day on Thursday.

When “normal” people go through bad times, do they think to themselves by default, “I wish I was dead, then the pain would go away”?

I hope you all had some good times in the week. We all need a bit of relief from the madness sometimes.

a grim start to the day

On Monday morning at about 3am I woke up and couldnt get back to sleep for a while.

I realised that I had not taken my medication for two days, which may be one of the reasons I had been crying over everything.

I messaged my new Director boss if I could work from home and I received quite a terse message in response.

I slept until about 2pm, when kitty meowed at me and meowed some more, so I got out of bed and gave him some attention, love and milk.

Today on my way to work I was not looking forward to work, after the terse message.

I was thinking of that statement the other day “at least when your dead the pain stops”.

I actually thought of a new, tidy way to end my life.  Lots of valium and go for a swim in the sea. I imagine I would become very drowsy, sleep and drift off.

My two new bosses are clearly trying to make our lives at work as difficult as possible.

If only I didnt need to work.

I came home and bf was on his computer with his earphones on an all I got out of him was a “hey” and not much more before he went to fencing.

Not a great day overall.   I just couldnt be bothered, so going to have a shower and go to bed early.

ptsd week three

On Friday we were going to go through reliving the first robbery.

I thought I would be OK and would be able to just tell what happened.

I had to close my eyes and walk through what happened in the first person.

It wasnt as easy as I thought it would be.

Ive very good at blocking thoughts.

If the robbery ever entered my head, it always is at the start of the robbery when the two guys with balaclavas first came into the area where we were with the money.

I was always able to block it at that point and move my thoughts onto something else.

There was one point in the robbery that I had always managed to block out and havent thought about for a long time.

When we got to that part of the robbery, I became quite upset.

I have managed to block it. Have never talked about it to anyone and havent allowed myself to think about it myself, or admitted to myself how much that part of the ordeal scared me.

I dont know if I could ever admit to anyone, even bf or any of my family or even talk to anyone about this part of the robbery and why it scared me so much.

Afterward, I had to do a list of stretches with a heart rate monitor and they were noted down.

The psychologist advised that from going through reliving the ordeal, that it can cause flashbacks.

I didnt do too much today, just things around the house.

We went to a friends birthday dinner and for some reason did not feel like socialising too much.

I get the feeling that a couple of “friends” (a married couple) that were there tonight, dont like me very much.

When I think about how I am, I probably wouldnt like me either.

Im sure I come across in a way sometimes, due to my anxiety, is not very likeable.

I find that when I go out now, if it is quite noisy, I get quite anxious immediately, which makes me a bit a little bit sensitive and annoyed.

Whilst just sitting on the couch, I had one of those flashbacks of the part of the robbery that scared me the most, and it made me cry immediately, just out of the blue.

Im feeling quite depressed at the moment.  Quite numb.

On TV a young girl said “at least if your dead, the pain goes away”.  I agree, but have never heard it said out loud.  How accurate that statement is.

My homework is to do this at least twice this week.  Walk through the robbery out loud and afterwards do a list of stretches with a heart rate monitor on and save the heart rate readings into the heart rate monitor watch. I am not really looking forward to doing this, but it might help me in the long run and also help with their research.

Reliving the ordeal and then doing some stretches afterward is to help them somehow.  I cant remember exactly.

why does 30 seconds to mars make me cry

Ive been listening to 30 Seconds to Mars a lot of the last few weeks.

Years ago when I was having really bad panic attacks I was listening to Savage Garden to get me through it.  Their music is not my usual.

Particular songs make me cry.  I can feel my heart hurting.

Something I am not used to.  For the last couple of years the Pristiq made me feel nothing.  Numb.

City of Angels, This is War, 100 Suns, Hurricane and a few others make me cry and I feel the hurt inside.

I listen to them when I am feeling depressed or anxious.  To help me get through what I am feeling.

I do miss feeling numb, so I dont feel the hurt, the pain, the depression, the anxiety…

I sat on the back stairs last Friday night and just listened to their music and watched one of their videos, because I was feeling so much anxiety and depression.  I used it to make me cry and to get past the emotions I was feeling.

I needed something to distract me from the scary thoughts that run through my head.  Suicidal thoughts scare me.