panic alert

Last night I had a really strong panic attack.

I was half asleep.

All I remember is knowing bf was going to turn off the hallway light and realising that was what he was going to do.

I felt panic and tried to turn on the bedside lamp before he turned the hallway light off.

I missed by seconds and the panic attack hit hard.

I always find when I have a panic attack I tend to end up kneeling on the floor with my hands on the floor.

It has been a long time since I have had a panic attack like this.

I was so scared.  Panic = scary

Part of the  sensation a panic attack brings on always reminds me of some of the sensations I used to feel when I had seizures, when I was younger.

I cant seem to separate the two.

Even though the many panic attacks I have had over the years, Ive never had a seizure, I still cant seem to separate the two.

I havent had a seizure since my early twenties.  They started around 16 y.o. and stopped in my mid twenties.

The doctors couldnt find out why they started, so I just had to live with it and take medication for it.

I hadnt had a panic attack for years until about a month ago.

After one session in the PTSD programme a few weeks ago, I had the first panic attack I had in years.

I was walking past a building where quite a few people were coming out of.

I couldnt go down the stairs because the panic attack took over and I had to go somewhere where there were no people.  Luckily that was just on the other side of the top of the stairs.  It was also the first time I had gone by myself, as the last couple of times bf went as well, before he was told he didnt fit the criteria of the PTSD programme.

The next week the same thing happened, in exactly the same place.  This time the panic attack was stronger and I had to take a couple of valium and ring bf to help me through it.

Bf was just getting into bed last night when it happened and I dont think bf has actually witnessed me having one before.

By the time I was able to get off the floor, bf was almost asleep.

I laid in bed crying, knowing that my days of panic attacks are still not over.

Panic attacks exhaust me and tend to bring on depression afterwards.

I thought my days of panic attacks were over, but clearly not.

Will it ever end?



my attempt at my first book – a biography

This is the link to my attempt.

I hope you find it interesting.

There are only two chapters at the moment, so I have a long way to go.

I will add more over time, if I can peel myself away from all your great blogs 🙂


This is my first attempt at a biography of my experiences with depression, anxiety, panic attacks, suicide and seizures throughout my life. Im hoping others will find comfort in knowing they are not alone and there are people out there that will listen and understand with no judgement. I dont yet have a title for my book and I may make changes to posts, as memories come back to me or I believe I am changing it for the better as I go along.


Geez I have some issues.

No wonder I dont like myself.

Seizures (in the past thankfully) and hope they stay that way.  I still think it is a possibility though.



Panic attacks



Not attractive

Ive put weight on but have no motivation to do anything about it

Crap memory so cant sit exams for work (I failed the last exam twice and still havent passed it) and work paid for the course twice.

No libido

Crap at saving money