Written on 8th July – Medication has been increased

Ive been meaning to start a blog or diary for ages, so here goes.  I only have fragments of memories of my life, so hopefully this will help to remember and also to write my book.

It’s been a couple of weeks now since Dr Bob upped my medication to 200mg.  He first tried 50mg, then 100 and 150, but they just didn’t seem to have much of an effect.  My mood seems to have picked up a little and I am feeling a little bit more motivated, but there is a LONG way to go.   I guess time will tell over the next few weeks.

I had a couple of extreme lows during the week.  On Wednesday, I rang the insurance company to pay my annual insurance and found out that my car insurance had been cancelled because I hadn’t renewed it in time.  F%$*!! Just what I need! And they wouldn’t do anything to help.  All I could do was take pics of my car and email them in and they would quote me as a new customer.  Why, why, why must one obstacle after the other be thrown at me!  Jesus H Christ!  That is when I felt a major low and death and blackness infiltrates my mind.  Why the F do I bother!  What’s the point?  I wish it would just end.  I wish I could just end it and not have to bother anymore.  Just go to sleep and never wake up.

BUT I cant leave my kitties behind.  Noone would look after them and love them like I do. Put them first.  It fills me with such sadness to think of them wondering where their Mummy is and the sadness they would feel if I never came back.  I wish I could just stay at home with my kitties and not have to face the world and everyone in it, but I have to work to keep a roof over our heads and to be able to look after my babies.   Only another 13 years to go.

In my mind, I have a silent deal with my kitties that they have to live until theyre 25.  I don’t even like to imagine not having them around, especially Neo.  I love him soooooo much and he has sucked me in sooo bad.  He follows me everywhere and tucks me in at night with a spoon and a tummy rub.  In the morning, when my alarm goes off,  he gets under the doona for a snuggle and a belly rub and makes it even harder for me to drag myself out of bed and go, AGAIN, to work and drag myself through the same old dull routine, day after day after day.

On Thursday morning on my way to get my morning tea, my colleague CB asked if this was going to be my first 5 day week at work.  I said “That is the plan”.  I definitely wanted it to be, but not even I knew how successful that would be until I made it.

I asked if people had been talking about it and as expected a few people had, especially DG and RF, even the boss JG.  I had a chat with JG to make sure that she understood that she was aware that is was due to medical reasons.  JG is a great boss and very understanding and approachable, so talking to her was good.  It seems DG and RF talk about it a lot, especially when everyone else in the team are not there.  I don’t understand why they care so much!  Its fn annoying.  They are contractors, so don’t know why they care.  It doesn’t affect them.  This brought on a major low.  They left early, so I had a chat to SB when he came back and he could see it bothered me.  We had a good chat and made him aware it was a medical issue, as to why I have had so much time off work and thought maybe if they were aware of this, they may not be as bothered and get over it.

Good News!! I managed my first five day week since January.  Definitely a step in the right direction and believe me was an effort.

I am finding having SB as a Team Leader is working well.  He gets that I am a bit bored and need to be learning something new to keep my brain going.  It doesn’t help my depression being bored and feeling like Im not needed, which is where this whole black hole of death and nothingness started this time.

It has been quiet at work, since we arent doing any projects, so this afternoon I was able to go through Petri from scratch to install Active Directory from scratch.  With DD doing everything, we missed a lot of knowledge not being able to be involved and building our new environment from scratch.

I did manage to motivate myself three times this week to do the Couch to 5K program.  One of those I did when I got home on Wednesday to try and run out some of the blackness and flusteredness away before I went to Grumpys with bf for a pub dinner with the other Trivia guys and their families.  It seemed to work a little, but I didn’t feel much like talking when I got there.  We were sitting up the end where most of the kids were, so didn’t really have to make too much conversation with many of the adults, just with M and R.  That was OK.  I asked M about Justin Beiber and One Direction,  It’s interesting to hear how a young teenager thinks these days.    I kept asking  questions about his work as a Software Developer  and I listened.

I didn’t get a great sleep, but that’s nothing unusual.  Neo kept waking me up for pats and I had to shove him off the bed a couple of times.  Eventually I got up to let unlock the cat door and give him some more biscuits, so I could go back to bed.  I couldn’t sleep and needed to pee,so I got up and put some washing on.  It was a “cracking” day outside, so after putting the washing on, I sat in the backyard to spend some time with Morpheus.  He loves it when we sit outside with him, because Neo isn’t the boss outside, so he is more relaxed.

I made some tea, cleaned the kitchen and put all the fruit and vegies in the fridge.  When I finished I sat down and read some more of the book I started a couple of days ago.  The book “An Unquiet Mind” was turning out to be an easy read and I was finding it hard to put down.

So the day was going well until bf got up.  bf was in a mood and remained that way the entire day.  Someone had said something that pissed him off last night at CA’s birthday dinner.  bf wont tell me what it is, but is clearly going to drag it on.

I decided to continue with the washing and reading until it was done.  I remembered I had the last episode of Offspring to watch, so turned that on to fill up the silence.

In the afternoon I read some more in bed and then had a nap.  Dinner was easy, as we had leftover pizza from Friday night, so we had that while watching TV and finally getting some writing done.

Here’s hoping this week gets easier, now that I have made a five day week.  That was the first hurdle and I have finally managed to achieve it.

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MONDAY is here again

I woke up still with a pain searing through part of my head, so I messaged TL to have a flex.

Took some Advil and went back to sleep.  Woke up about 10.30am and then went to lie in bed with the kitties and fell back to sleep, as I knew I would.  But it was nice and warm and had a kitty on each side.  Heaven 🙂

Dragged myself out of bed at 1pm, put some washing on.  For the rest of the day I watched the movie Casino with breaks to put washing on and hanging it up.  God it is such a long movie!

The scene where they beat the two guys to death with baseball bats and put them in a grave, while one is still alive (barely) and bury them is awesomely gruesome!

When bf came home he was still in a bad mood.

We started another chat and he was not happy, but neither was I, because of what I had done.  I dont know why I have done it again.  It seems to coincide when he has spates of bad moods and he has had them too regularly late.  Something in my head must click when he is like that and I do what he hates most.

We did make an agreement quite some time ago last year, that I would stop gambling if he would keep his bad moods in order.  And we both did for a long time and only recently both our bad habits came back.

I did mention to him that he also had gone against what we agreed on.  That we both had.  He agreed.  That was a bit of a “light bulb” moment for both of us.

He went to have a shower and I went to bed.  When he got into bed, he seemed better.  Maybe he had some time to think about the “light bulb” moment in the shower.

He even spooned me!! And seemed liked he was giving me a nice hug too!  Maybe there is hope for us again 🙂