binge

I have not been binge drinking for a few months now.

I just stopped suddenly.  Bf and I went and had a few drinks on a Sunday night with a couple of friends, and we all got very merry.

Bf drove us home.  A very silly thing for him to do and very silly of me not to stop him.

I did not end up going to work the next and when I have a hangover, my anxiety and panic pay me a visit for the next day or so.

A few nights later RBT was on TV.  (Random Breath Test).

A show about police pulling people over and testing them for drink driving or driving under the influence of drugs.

Something clicked in my head.

Since then I have not felt the need to “get on it” and waste myself on alcohol, so I could make everything go away.

Maybe once or twice when I have had maybe one or two drinks more than my usual two, I briefly think about “getting on” the tequila, but then discard the thought.

Ive even stopped smoking cigarettes when I drink.

I think about it briefly, then quickly talk myself out of it and its not even that difficult.

Im glad Ive finally made it through that stage of healing? another healing stage of the  ptsd?  who knows?

All I know it is for the better.

And I am bound to get a bit merry in the future, but at least now it is controllable.

And thankfully I am past that awful gambling stage I went through, which apparently is also common in people who are suffering from ptsd.

That was a very expensive phase.

I wonder what the next phases of healing are…

 

erase

At some point in the PTSD session this morning, the psychologist asked if I could buy an insurance, what would you want it for.

Bizarre question I know.

I wished I could buy an insurance that could erase the memory of the robberies and it would assure me that it I would be safe from these kind of situations for the rest of my life and I wouldnt remember them.

If I could just erase those two robberies and lose the fears my brain has created since.

If only…

cbt

Every week, as part of PTSD treatment programme, the psychologist gives me homework.

Some examples :

Thought process exercises, where I have to write about a situation Ive had during the week and write down my thought processes during the situation and also write down how to try and train my brain to process it differently.

Reliving the robberies and doing stretching exercises on afterward with a heart rate monitor on and document the heart rate at the start and at the end of the stretching exercises.

I do it when bf is not home.

Last night kitty decided to keep me company.

IMG_3308 IMG_3314

 

the week did get better

It was a grim start to the week.

Thursday afternoon I realised how much work I had managed to do and how clear my head had been that day.

I wish everyday my mind was devoid of fog, like it was on Thursday.

It was a good day!  I need more of these days please!

I managed to do two Xtend Barre classes.

There was a mild blonde moment for the class I was supposed to do on Friday night.

In the morning I went to the PTSD programme, which is really not too much fun, having to relive the robberies.

Afterwards, I had booked myself in for a facial and neck and shoulder massage.

It was wonderful, a nice treat.

I chilled at home for a couple of hours and then went for a nap, with the class at 7.30pm set in my mind.

I woke up and there was a reminder on my phone that the class was at 6.15pm. 😦

It was about 6.30pm, so it had already started.

I now will need to do four classes next week.  😐

It is going to be a busy week.

Monday night – Placebo

Tuesday night – Xtend Barre

Wednesday night – Xtend Barre

Friday night & Saturday morning – Xtend Barre.

Tonight, we might go to a local restaurant for dinner, so we can relax over a couple of wines.

Tomorrow (Sunday), I am working, so home to catch up on some of those things on my long list of things to do!

I have randomly had some dark thoughts cross my mind this week, even after my good day on Thursday.

When “normal” people go through bad times, do they think to themselves by default, “I wish I was dead, then the pain would go away”?

I hope you all had some good times in the week. We all need a bit of relief from the madness sometimes.

ptsd week three

On Friday we were going to go through reliving the first robbery.

I thought I would be OK and would be able to just tell what happened.

I had to close my eyes and walk through what happened in the first person.

It wasnt as easy as I thought it would be.

Ive very good at blocking thoughts.

If the robbery ever entered my head, it always is at the start of the robbery when the two guys with balaclavas first came into the area where we were with the money.

I was always able to block it at that point and move my thoughts onto something else.

There was one point in the robbery that I had always managed to block out and havent thought about for a long time.

When we got to that part of the robbery, I became quite upset.

I have managed to block it. Have never talked about it to anyone and havent allowed myself to think about it myself, or admitted to myself how much that part of the ordeal scared me.

I dont know if I could ever admit to anyone, even bf or any of my family or even talk to anyone about this part of the robbery and why it scared me so much.

Afterward, I had to do a list of stretches with a heart rate monitor and they were noted down.

The psychologist advised that from going through reliving the ordeal, that it can cause flashbacks.

I didnt do too much today, just things around the house.

We went to a friends birthday dinner and for some reason did not feel like socialising too much.

I get the feeling that a couple of “friends” (a married couple) that were there tonight, dont like me very much.

When I think about how I am, I probably wouldnt like me either.

Im sure I come across in a way sometimes, due to my anxiety, is not very likeable.

I find that when I go out now, if it is quite noisy, I get quite anxious immediately, which makes me a bit a little bit sensitive and annoyed.

Whilst just sitting on the couch, I had one of those flashbacks of the part of the robbery that scared me the most, and it made me cry immediately, just out of the blue.

Im feeling quite depressed at the moment.  Quite numb.

On TV a young girl said “at least if your dead, the pain goes away”.  I agree, but have never heard it said out loud.  How accurate that statement is.

My homework is to do this at least twice this week.  Walk through the robbery out loud and afterwards do a list of stretches with a heart rate monitor on and save the heart rate readings into the heart rate monitor watch. I am not really looking forward to doing this, but it might help me in the long run and also help with their research.

Reliving the ordeal and then doing some stretches afterward is to help them somehow.  I cant remember exactly.

not a good night

After the Australia Day BBQ, I had a nap.

We went to Japanese for dinner at a new place in Newtown, that we hadnt tried before.

Not long after we sat down, I noticed a really really loud American talking.

I had noticed  in the first 5 minutes of being there, I was feeling very sensitive and bf was irking me. Not for any particular reason.  He just seeming like he was being difficult, but it could have been because of my feeling anxious.

The loud talking of the American was really making me more anxious and I started to cry.

We took the rest of our dinner as take away.

On the way to the car I kept crying.  When I was standing on the side of the road, a taxi was coming and the thought of walking in front of it went through my mind.  Walking to the car I kept thinking it would be better to be dead, so I dont have to feel like this anymore.

These thoughts really scare me.

bf couldnt drive because he had been drinking all afternoon at the BBQ.

He asked if I was OK to drive, but even if I wasnt, he couldnt.

When I got home, we were on the front stairs sharing a cigarette.  Not something I do too much these days.

As bf hadnt really said much or even given me a hug, I started to cry again and put my arm around his leg and told him I need some support, some hugs, just something.  Not nothing.

We went to bed and he put his arm over me and fell asleep.

I got up and rang my Dad and cried and told him about my changing drugs and how it was making me feel.

I told him I was scared of the thoughts it was making me have.  He knew what I meant, as he has done some counselling before, for people with drug and alcohol problems.

I told him on the previous drug, it fixed the black thoughts and helped the panic attacks and anxiety, but not the depression and how I had been isolating myself from friends and family because of the depression and PTSD, including him.

After my chat with Dad, I went to bed.

One thing the new drug (Allegron) is doing, is making me sleep like the dead.  It does make it hard to wake up and get going though.

ptsd programme – week 1

This morning (Friday) consisted of more questions about feelings, thoughts, physical reactions etc.

I was feeling emotional when I got there anyway, so couldnt help but cry in the session.

The psych explained more of what techniques they would be using throughout the programme, which goes for ten weeks.

Some of the tasks involved dont sound like fun.

For example :

Describing the two armed robberies – there are quite a few blank spots in both armed robberies.  Maybe because I tried so hard to block them from the day they happened and the fact that I have such a bad memory, which I assume is due to anxiety.

Doing things that I now avoid because they make me anxious. eg. walking past groups of men, going out to meet friends at night time, going to the movies, concerts, places where there are a lot of people.

Things that sound simple to most people.  Things I avoid because of my fears.

Outside of work, I spend a lot of time at home (my safe place) and have given up  things I used to do eg. fencing.

I dont enjoy things anymore.

Of course, they wont ask me to put myself in any danger.

This week I just have homework.  I have a table to fill out re any situations or activities that make me feel fearful and/or anxious.

I have a couple already.