feelin’ so low

The last few days have been a tad bleak.

On Sunday night, I was fine.

When bf and I were in bed, he had just turned off his phone, which he had been reading something on, and closed his eyes.

I asked him a question and he gruffly replied he was trying to sleep.

That was the trigger.  That was all it took.

I laid awake for hours, initially wondering why he was with me still and if he liked me or what he liked about me.

I also brought some bad dating memories out of the archives, way back in the archives, that I had completely forgot about and stewed/stressed on them for hours.

I ended up crying for a while and then getting up and sitting on the back stairs for a cigarette for some more crying.

On Monday, I felt so low and Im sure tiredness did not help.

I had an appointment with the GP to have my stitches checked.  I had a skin check last week and all was fine.  I also had a growth on my stomach and had it removed and stitches were required.

The GP advised the growth just looked like overgrown scar tissue, but sent it away anyway to have it checked.

Whilst the GP was cleaning and redressing the stitches I started to quietly cry.  I put my sunnies on so she wouldnt notice.

When we were at her desk afterward, I started crying again and she asked what was up and I told her I was having a bad day and felt really depressed.

I reminded her that I was tapering of Pristiq and was on the lowest dosage of 50mg and was due to start Allegron on Monday night.

Whilst she was checking my stitches, she had the “office” girl ring Medicare to see if I had any visits on my Health Care Plan from last year left.

I did, so she was able to book me in with a Psychologist that afternoon in the same medical centre.

You can get 10 free visits a year (covered by Medicare) with a psychologist and more if recommended by the psychologist. I think they call it a Health Care Plan.  I found out about it from a previous GP.  It wasnt something I was aware was available.  Im not sure it is widely know by the general public.

I went and saw Kristina (the psychologist) later than afternoon and had another cry.  I was very depressed.

I gave her an overview from 2006 and will be going back to see her next week.  She seemed quite nice and said she wanted to help me feel better again.

It would be so nice to have motivation, energy and feel happy again.  I cant remember when I last was like this.

My memory is crap though.

Last night I asked bf to put his arm around me, as I wasnt feeling great and after he fell asleep, I had another little cry.

I tend to not cry around him, because it makes him feel uncomfortable and he doesnt know what to do.

As I was a bit quieter than usual, bf thought I was peeved at him, so therefore became peeved at me and hardly talked to me on Monday or Tuesday.

This always seems to happen when I am depressed.

This did not help.

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3:00am

Ive been awake lying in bed for over an hour.

My mind wont switch off.

Ive been off the radar since Saturday.  The flu got me good and proper.

It started off with a really sore throat.  Swallowing was something I was trying to avoid.

After a day of that, the usual flu symptoms thought they would join in.

I was supposed to start the 10,000 steps with a group of people from work on Monday, but there has not been a lot of walking done this week.

I went back to work yesterday.  So much for trying to not take any time off from work.  My head was still feeling very fluffy, but was feeling much better than the previous day.

On Tuesday I was supposed to have a Skype session with Dr Jenner.  It completely slipped my mind until yesterday, which is when my head started working again.  It is the second time I have missed a scheduled Skype with Dr Jenner. 😐

Dr Jenner is a Counselling Psychologist in Germany.  I am in Australia.  He generously offered a Skype session with me after I found his blog.  He had a blog about loss causing depression and it described exactly how my depression came about (this time) and how Id been feeling for the last 18 months.

http://njpsychdoc.wordpress.com/

I dont currently have a psychologist or psychiatrist as they are very expensive here, as Im sure they are everywhere, considering mental health issues is constantly growing.  I was given a referral by a GP and the initial consult was going to cost $350.00.  I dont get paid quite that well to afford that.

So he was going to have a chat with me to see if he could help me find someone that could help with my issues. Depression, anxiety and panic attacks.  The panic attacks have decided to give me a break for now, thankfully.

I have yet to email him to apologise again for not making our second try at an appointment.  I feel that sorry isnt really enough.  It’s crap of me to forget again, considering his generosity.

My memory is crap, which is why I forgot the first time and didnt put it in my calendar on my phone.  I forgot to do this a second time, but my phone wasnt with me in bed anyway.

Sigh…