2014 challenges

I havent started any of the three challenges I was going to try and start this week.

The tapering off Pristiq to Allegron has been playing having with my emotions and making me very dizzy.

It kinda is just another excuse, I feel, but my motivation levels also are non existent.

The first two days work exhausted me.

I got up today when bf did, made us a coffee, watched a movie called Free Ride starring Anna Paquin.

free ride

I went back to bed an woke up about 2pm, because kitty was bothering me for something, so I got up and replenished his biccies.

I did find a couple of good cardio ideas on http://abiandjoseph.com, which is an Australian brand of exercise gear, I buy pants from, as they have a Size TALL.  They obviously realise not everyone is an average height.



Im off to the doctors to get my stitches out today.  It will be interesting to see what the end result looks like.  I havent looked at it since I had the growth cut out.  I was little scared to, so Id thought Id wait until it healed.

After that I am seeing the new psychologist for the second time.

At 7pm we go to our favourite hairdressers Pelo, which we have been going to for years.  The girls that run this place are great and hilarious.  All the other staff are great too, but the two girls have been there from the get go, as they own the place.

Hopefully I will be OK to go to work tomorrow.  I have had to hold back some tears a few times today. I guess time will tell.

I hope everyone out there is well.


feelin’ so low

The last few days have been a tad bleak.

On Sunday night, I was fine.

When bf and I were in bed, he had just turned off his phone, which he had been reading something on, and closed his eyes.

I asked him a question and he gruffly replied he was trying to sleep.

That was the trigger.  That was all it took.

I laid awake for hours, initially wondering why he was with me still and if he liked me or what he liked about me.

I also brought some bad dating memories out of the archives, way back in the archives, that I had completely forgot about and stewed/stressed on them for hours.

I ended up crying for a while and then getting up and sitting on the back stairs for a cigarette for some more crying.

On Monday, I felt so low and Im sure tiredness did not help.

I had an appointment with the GP to have my stitches checked.  I had a skin check last week and all was fine.  I also had a growth on my stomach and had it removed and stitches were required.

The GP advised the growth just looked like overgrown scar tissue, but sent it away anyway to have it checked.

Whilst the GP was cleaning and redressing the stitches I started to quietly cry.  I put my sunnies on so she wouldnt notice.

When we were at her desk afterward, I started crying again and she asked what was up and I told her I was having a bad day and felt really depressed.

I reminded her that I was tapering of Pristiq and was on the lowest dosage of 50mg and was due to start Allegron on Monday night.

Whilst she was checking my stitches, she had the “office” girl ring Medicare to see if I had any visits on my Health Care Plan from last year left.

I did, so she was able to book me in with a Psychologist that afternoon in the same medical centre.

You can get 10 free visits a year (covered by Medicare) with a psychologist and more if recommended by the psychologist. I think they call it a Health Care Plan.  I found out about it from a previous GP.  It wasnt something I was aware was available.  Im not sure it is widely know by the general public.

I went and saw Kristina (the psychologist) later than afternoon and had another cry.  I was very depressed.

I gave her an overview from 2006 and will be going back to see her next week.  She seemed quite nice and said she wanted to help me feel better again.

It would be so nice to have motivation, energy and feel happy again.  I cant remember when I last was like this.

My memory is crap though.

Last night I asked bf to put his arm around me, as I wasnt feeling great and after he fell asleep, I had another little cry.

I tend to not cry around him, because it makes him feel uncomfortable and he doesnt know what to do.

As I was a bit quieter than usual, bf thought I was peeved at him, so therefore became peeved at me and hardly talked to me on Monday or Tuesday.

This always seems to happen when I am depressed.

This did not help.


Im slowly saying goodbye to Pristiq.

Im down from 200mg to 50mg.  Five days of 50mg and then I add 25mg of Allegron for a week and then add 25mg each week until I hit 150mg.

So far so good.  I havent felt too bad.

I got a bit testy with bf for about five minutes.  I dont know if this was the reason or not.  He wasnt being unreasonable or being a “dick”.

I wont miss some of the side effects though.

My stomach has been like an unused cement mixer, that the cement has gone hard in.  So hopefully I wont have to take laxatives anymore.

I am always hot!  Im like a mobile heater, which caused a lot of sweating, so I had to use the “scientific” clinical protection to control my armpits from sweating, with a combination of the “No Sweat” concoction, which you had to make sure you wiped off in the morning.  Im not sure why, but I did just in case my armpits fell out!  Must be quite toxic, but it helped.

My “hotness” also caused me to be thirsty, ALL the time.  I felt like I had was in the desert and hadnt had a drink for days!

BUT, it did help with my anxiety and I have stopped having panic attacks.  What a relief!

It also stopped the constant black, black, suicidal thoughts.  How and when to do it was something I thought about a lot.  At least I didnt do it.

I love my kitties SO much, that the thought of leaving them without me (Mum) and not understanding where I had gone and them missing me, is the only thing that stopped me from actioning my black thoughts.

It hasnt fixed the depression and feeling nothing.  It’s like Im empty.

I get spikes of warmth with my kitties and the odd spike at something funny.  Not much makes me laugh.  A comment my bf made when I laughed at someones joke on New Years Eve.

Im dead on the inside.

So I guess I will see how Allegron goes, when I start taking it on Tuesday and see what gradually happens.

Fingers crossed!

Id so like to feel again (I think).  Maybe feeling nothing is easier.  It is rare for to cry and that I like.

The only things that make me cry are my kitties if they are sick, seeing animals on tele that are sick, hurting or they die.  Mums and children dying from cancer, probably because that is what happened with my Mum a few years ago.  And not much else.  Terrorism makes me sad, humans hurting other humans.


Black Dog Institute – Part 2

I went back to the Black Dog Institute (BDI), as clearly Pristiq is only partially working for me.

It got rid of the “black thoughts” of death and suicide, which were constant.  I only very occasionally have them now, but would never do it, as I wouldnt want to leave my kitties. They wouldnt understand where Mummy was, and I can tell them love me dearly and I love them dearly.

It also kicked Anxiety’s ass out of my life too.  No more panic attacks and only mild anxiety in certain, random situations.

A saw a psychologist a few times and they suggested going back to BDI and she also advised that I was still suffering from PTSD, caused by the two armed robberies in 2006.  She suggested I sign up for a course held by UNSW uni, who do a PTSD clinic course.

I have an initial appointment with them in January, 2014 to see if I meet the criteria for their course.  I also suggested Bf do this too and he is seeing them in January as well, to see if he meets the criteria.

BDI psychiatrist suggested I change my medication to Allegron.  I really hope this makes my mood happier and more positive and it kicks my motivation back in.

The fun will begin this week, when I taper off my current medication and into the new.  Here’s hoping I can say good bye to depression, at least for a while.  I really need a break.


This is the shrinks drug of choice for me at The Black Dog Institute.

It works to a degree.  It has reduced the amount of time I think about suicide, but does not eliminate it entirely.

It makes me flat most of the time compared to depressed all the time.

My GP seemed to think it would make a huge difference.  I would be more motivated, happier etc.  Not so. 😦

I was really looking forward to that.  To kind of feeling happy and energetic like I assume most “normal” state of minded people feel.

I am on the highest level suggested, so can take no more than 200mg per day.

I used to take Lovan before this and during the first month of taking this, I felt amazing.  I just wanted to smile all the time and an induced happiness feeling that I would have definitely become used to!

Then it stopped working, even after three increases in my dosage.

I dont really want to have to wean myself of this drug and try another one.  The process scares me a little.

Which drug seems to be successful for you?


What is PRISTIQ?

PRISTIQ (desvenlafaxine) is a prescription medication that’s

FDA approved to treat depression in adults.

PRISTIQ belongs to a class of medications called

serotonin-norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors (SNRIs).

How does PRISTIQ work?

Depression is a serious medical condition that can hold you back from what you enjoy. And while no one knows for certain what causes it, experts believe that depression results.

Information from http://www.pristiq.com.


Currently, SSRI’s are the most popular antidepressant/antianxiety drugs. They work by having a selective effect on nerves that use serotonin as a transmitter by restoring serotonin levels at the synapses thereby decreasing anxiety levels. The are more widely used due to the fewer side effects they have compared with other antidepressants. Some side effects may occur at the beginning of treatment, however often pass as treatment progresses.

Common side effects: Nausea, drowsiness, delayed orgasm, dry mouth, sleeplessness.

Reference: Burns, M.D., (1999) ‘The Feeling Good Handbook’, Chapter 24, p.505 – 524 passim, Plume Publications.


SNRI’s are slightly different to SSRI’s in that they work to balance the levels of both serotonin and norepinephrine in your brain. These chemicals affect your mood, appetite, sense of well-being, motivation, and sleep. Balancing these levels is an important step in reducing your anxiety, related depression and overall sense of well being.

Potential side effects: nausea, dizziness, sleepiness, delayed ejaculation, sweating, dry mouth, nervousness, insomnia, anorexia, and constipation.

Information on SNRI’s provided by Dr. Greenfield, a general practitioner from Brisbane, Australia.