a roller coaster ride

Since my last post, I have been busy working, ptsd sessions, 60 Day Challenge x 3 per week.

The weeks have been a blur.

Its Monday again and then its Saturday and then its Monday again.

The not so new drug is still a roller coaster ride.

The doctor reduced the drug by 25mg, as I started to have regular panic attacks (which I havent had for ages) and after two weeks of several panic attacks, I couldnt bare the thought of having to deal with them again, and after two weeks was worn out and emotional.

The panic attacks did subside, but I was still getting wired after a few days and having at least one a week.

So, as my GP is on holidays for two months, I decided to reduce the dosage by 25mg.  That was just over a week ago and I havent had any panic attacks.

I didnt get to bed until 3am and couldnt sleep, so had to take a valium.  I slept for a couple of hours and then was wide awake, and because I couldnt get back to sleep, I started to get very anxious and couldnt seem to calm myself, so took another two valium as I could feel panic creeping in.

I know its all in the mind that gets me to the panic stage, but I havent quite mastered doing it without the valium when I get overtired.

I also know that if I go to bed too late, this is what happens.

We went out for Japanese and then met up with some friends to celebrate my birthday and another friends birthday, which were both last week.

Ive had the last week and a bit off, as there were three public holidays, so was able to have 10 days off and only use three days leave.

The week before we met my sister and my brothers house for his birthday and also got to know his family a bit more, as we havent seen them for a few years.

His little girls (my nieces) are so beautiful.  I envy what he has, but with my psychological issues, am glad we didnt have kids.  It would not be an ideal environment to bring up kids in.

So its back to work tomorrow and the busy schedule starts again.

Work, Extend Barre x 3 per week and Im going back to fencing next week.

I have noticed that when I was busy, I didnt get to think too much.

Over the last week and a half, that I have not been at work, Ive become more depressed and started isolating myself again.

Ive made an appointment with a psychiatrist, but it isnt until the June 6th, so I hope the roller coaster doesnt get too scary between now and then.

I also hope the psych can help me with getting my drugs right.

I hope youre all doing OK out there.  I havent been reading blogs either, due to the weeks being a blur and when I isolate myself I also disappear online.

So hopefully I read more blogs, when I get back into a routine, which Im hoping reduces my isolation.

I hope everyone had a great Easter.


evening out

The Allegron has started to even out.

The GP lowered the dosage, as it was making me stutter and I started having panic attacks again.

After a week or so after lowering the dosage, Im not stuttering as much and it is gradually going away.

The panic attacks lasted a couple of weeks and have stopped also, since lowering the dosage.

I, however, am not evening out.

I still am having reoccurring thoughts of death and different ways I could achieve death.

I have seen an episodes in a TV shows where someone has  shot themselves and killed themselves and another where they wanted to shoot themselves and had run out of bullets.

Both times I wished it could be me, so I dont have to deal with my depression, anxiety or panic attacks.

Or worry about if I cant go to work, that I will lose my job and then cant pay the rent and have nowhere for my kitties to live and have money to look after them.

I dont want to hurt anymore, I dont want to feel like I do anymore.

I wish I didnt have to be strong anymore and go to work, so I can look after my kitties.

I feel so alone.

My friends dont know what is going on and I wont tell them, because then they will talk to other friends and everyone will know, probably think I am crazy somehow.

I cant talk to bf.  He doesnt like talking about serious things and cant handle emotions being showed by either of us.

He would probably be better off, if he didnt have me.  He could find someone younger and will go out more  often to the pub to drink.

I think he would get over not having me around and move on.

Im surprised he havent traded me in for a younger model already.

I often wonder why he stays with me.

He isnt all bad, he has many other good traits that not enough people have. eg. honest, trustworthy.  And he loves my kitties.

I dont want to have to be strong anymore.

Im tired.

So tired.

But I dont know if I am even brave enough to finish the job.

So Im stuck in limbo.

Kitty is sick, but hopefully increasing the dose of his tablets, will keep him well.

If I lose kitty or I am involved in another crime, I know I wont get back up again.

I dont want to keep going now.  Life is so draining.

It would just be easier and less draining if it could end.

I wish I didnt have to go on. Or go to work tomorrow.

But if I stop and I lose kitty, I will die inside first.

why does 30 seconds to mars make me cry

Ive been listening to 30 Seconds to Mars a lot of the last few weeks.

Years ago when I was having really bad panic attacks I was listening to Savage Garden to get me through it.  Their music is not my usual.

Particular songs make me cry.  I can feel my heart hurting.

Something I am not used to.  For the last couple of years the Pristiq made me feel nothing.  Numb.

City of Angels, This is War, 100 Suns, Hurricane and a few others make me cry and I feel the hurt inside.

I listen to them when I am feeling depressed or anxious.  To help me get through what I am feeling.

I do miss feeling numb, so I dont feel the hurt, the pain, the depression, the anxiety…

I sat on the back stairs last Friday night and just listened to their music and watched one of their videos, because I was feeling so much anxiety and depression.  I used it to make me cry and to get past the emotions I was feeling.

I needed something to distract me from the scary thoughts that run through my head.  Suicidal thoughts scare me.


Im slowly saying goodbye to Pristiq.

Im down from 200mg to 50mg.  Five days of 50mg and then I add 25mg of Allegron for a week and then add 25mg each week until I hit 150mg.

So far so good.  I havent felt too bad.

I got a bit testy with bf for about five minutes.  I dont know if this was the reason or not.  He wasnt being unreasonable or being a “dick”.

I wont miss some of the side effects though.

My stomach has been like an unused cement mixer, that the cement has gone hard in.  So hopefully I wont have to take laxatives anymore.

I am always hot!  Im like a mobile heater, which caused a lot of sweating, so I had to use the “scientific” clinical protection to control my armpits from sweating, with a combination of the “No Sweat” concoction, which you had to make sure you wiped off in the morning.  Im not sure why, but I did just in case my armpits fell out!  Must be quite toxic, but it helped.

My “hotness” also caused me to be thirsty, ALL the time.  I felt like I had was in the desert and hadnt had a drink for days!

BUT, it did help with my anxiety and I have stopped having panic attacks.  What a relief!

It also stopped the constant black, black, suicidal thoughts.  How and when to do it was something I thought about a lot.  At least I didnt do it.

I love my kitties SO much, that the thought of leaving them without me (Mum) and not understanding where I had gone and them missing me, is the only thing that stopped me from actioning my black thoughts.

It hasnt fixed the depression and feeling nothing.  It’s like Im empty.

I get spikes of warmth with my kitties and the odd spike at something funny.  Not much makes me laugh.  A comment my bf made when I laughed at someones joke on New Years Eve.

Im dead on the inside.

So I guess I will see how Allegron goes, when I start taking it on Tuesday and see what gradually happens.

Fingers crossed!

Id so like to feel again (I think).  Maybe feeling nothing is easier.  It is rare for to cry and that I like.

The only things that make me cry are my kitties if they are sick, seeing animals on tele that are sick, hurting or they die.  Mums and children dying from cancer, probably because that is what happened with my Mum a few years ago.  And not much else.  Terrorism makes me sad, humans hurting other humans.


my depression

I am happy to say that my depression left me towards the end of 2012 and hasnt come back.

I cant remember when it lifted, but I am very relieved.

It makes such a difference.

That was when I realised that my energy levels werent related to my depression and that something else was not working properly.

When I read some of your blogs and see that you are still struggling, I wish I could tell how I got rid of my depression, so yours would go away as well.

I dont know how long it has gone for if it will come back, as it has come back a few times and this last bout was about two and a half years.

Fingers crossed it never comes back or at least I get a good break from it, so I dont have to struggle with life so much.

The only positive of experiencing depression, anxiety and panic attacks, is it has made me more aware of what other people are going through and more understanding of people in general.

So I want to help others with similar issues, as I know about the stigma from those in society who have been lucky enough not to experience what we go through, so therefore thing we are all a bit crazy.

I do my Induction Course for  Compeering early February and then at some point St. Vincents will find someone suitable and I can become there companion and hopefully help them get back into society.  Most of the people that are in this program suffer from Schizophrenia or Bi Polar.  I will keep you updated on my Compeering.



Fell asleep alright when I went to bed, but I woke up and am still awake.  I must have only been asleep for just over two hours. 😦


At least I know I can still go to work tomorrow.

Last week I woke up and couldnt get back to sleep and only ended up having maybe just four hours sleep and still went to work.

I wasnt able to do this before, because I would get really anxious about not getting enough sleep and then have panic attacks.

Last week I was a little bit emotional and a bit teary, but that was a mixture of tiredness and the frustration re the contractors.

I was really hoping to get a good night sleep, so I could start the week off in a good way.

Sunday nights are usually a night that I have trouble sleeping because in my head I want to have a good night sleep to start the week off right and I think I must psyche myself out of it and I get a bit anxious.

A viscous circle.

Ah well.  I will probably be really tired after kung fu tomorrow night and crash.


fantasies of the end

Back in the early 2000’s when my panic attacks, anxiety and depression was at all time high, I used to fantasise about the end a lot.  Every single day I just wanted it to be over.

I started having panic attacks in April 2000.  I remember that day well.  I didnt know what was happening.  I had heard of panic attacks, but didnt know that I was having one and didnt know much about them.

Oh how my life changed!

I started a new job two weeks later and Im pretty sure they regretted taking me on.  I had a fair bit of time off.

When I was told by a doctor that I was having panic attacks, I still stayed in denial for a long time before I accepted that panic attacks was what I was actually having.

They ruled my life for a long time.

I eventually went to an Anxiety Disorder Clinic.  They werent going to let me do the course because I had already started medication.  If they said no, I didnt know what I was going to do.

My Mum had even come up to stay with me to help me because I couldnt go anywhere without having panic attacks.

Mum came up because I wasnt answering calls from her or my brother.  I hadnt been going to work for a couple of weeks because I couldnt get there because of the panic attacks.

They contacted a friend of mine and she came around and found me in bed and quite thin.  I had lost a lot of weight and back then I was already quite thin naturally.

I used to fantasise about going to Kings Cross.  There was always a long line of bikers motorbikes parked along the main street.  I would go up to them and ask them if they know where I could buy a gun.  I would buy a helmet, so I wouldnt make a mess and that would be the end.

When I realised I probably couldnt do it myself and wouldnt want a friend of family member to find me like that, I changed my fantasy to ask the bikers if they knew who could help me kill someone and how much it would cost.  When I had that information, I would tell them it was me that I wanted them to kill.

At least this way, it wouldnt look like I had done it and would probably be found by the police at some point.

I thought about other ways. ODing would probably fail (tried that one before) and I wouldnt know which drug would work, so I wasnt left with a brain disability.

Walking in front of a bus is one of my more recent fantasies last year.  But I thought knowing my luck I would probably live and be disabled and life would be worse.  Some days I would just think of getting up from my desk at work and walk out onto the main road in the city and just walk in front of one of the buses.  There was plenty to pick from and most of them have a lead foot.

Im sure there have been other ideas that I have fantasised about, but my memory is crap, so these are the only ones that really stick in my mind.

Ive never told anyone about these fantasies, except for one of the therapists that worked at the Anxiety Disorder Clinic back in the early 2000’s.  Ive never been able to tell anyone else.  I cant imagine the reaction.