chill time

I didnt get much home “chill time”, which I get a bit stir crazy, if I dont get any.

Today at work, I found the anxiety fog was making it hard for me to focus on work.

When I got on the bus to come home, I starting feeling waves of anxiety.

I rang bf to try and distract myself.

It was not a fun bus ride home.

I thought if I had a nap when I came home, I would be able to do an Xtend Barre class.

But no, I still feel like crap.

I hope the panic attacks dont decide to reside in my head too long.

They are very draining and interrupt life and bring on depression.



another one

I managed to go to work on Wednesday and Thursday.


And to get my three Xtend Barre classes done by Thursday.

I was soooo close to having another panic attack on Thursday night.

The same circumstance with bf going to turn the hallway light off and me getting to the bedside lamp in time.

I had to really fight it coming on.

It seems to come in waves and not very long waves.

I will be OK and then all of sudden a wave of panic, over and over.

I had to take some Valium to calm down and go to sleep.

Panic attacks bring out my depression and I just cried myself to sleep.

It ended up being past midnight before I could get to sleep, which wasnt good, as I had to get up early to go to the PTSD session the next day.

panic alert

Last night I had a really strong panic attack.

I was half asleep.

All I remember is knowing bf was going to turn off the hallway light and realising that was what he was going to do.

I felt panic and tried to turn on the bedside lamp before he turned the hallway light off.

I missed by seconds and the panic attack hit hard.

I always find when I have a panic attack I tend to end up kneeling on the floor with my hands on the floor.

It has been a long time since I have had a panic attack like this.

I was so scared.  Panic = scary

Part of the  sensation a panic attack brings on always reminds me of some of the sensations I used to feel when I had seizures, when I was younger.

I cant seem to separate the two.

Even though the many panic attacks I have had over the years, Ive never had a seizure, I still cant seem to separate the two.

I havent had a seizure since my early twenties.  They started around 16 y.o. and stopped in my mid twenties.

The doctors couldnt find out why they started, so I just had to live with it and take medication for it.

I hadnt had a panic attack for years until about a month ago.

After one session in the PTSD programme a few weeks ago, I had the first panic attack I had in years.

I was walking past a building where quite a few people were coming out of.

I couldnt go down the stairs because the panic attack took over and I had to go somewhere where there were no people.  Luckily that was just on the other side of the top of the stairs.  It was also the first time I had gone by myself, as the last couple of times bf went as well, before he was told he didnt fit the criteria of the PTSD programme.

The next week the same thing happened, in exactly the same place.  This time the panic attack was stronger and I had to take a couple of valium and ring bf to help me through it.

Bf was just getting into bed last night when it happened and I dont think bf has actually witnessed me having one before.

By the time I was able to get off the floor, bf was almost asleep.

I laid in bed crying, knowing that my days of panic attacks are still not over.

Panic attacks exhaust me and tend to bring on depression afterwards.

I thought my days of panic attacks were over, but clearly not.

Will it ever end?


a whirlwind of a week

This week flew by.

It didnt start off so well.

I got annoyed because bf was going to the Sabre Centre again, for the fourth night in six days.

He chucked a major tanty and said he was was going to give up fencing.

It is rare that I get annoyed and compared to his mood swings, my “annoyed” is minor.

So he was in a “mood” all night.

Monday night we had tickets to see Placebo, who we have never seen live.

They sound great live!

IMG_3298IMG_3304 IMG_3305We didnt get to bed until around midnight, so really struggled to get up the next mornin.

So it was an early night the next night.

I manage to go to work everyday this week, which is Monday to Friday, as I have Friday’s off the for PTSD treatment programme.

That was today and it was not much fun.  I really find the reliving of the robberies quite difficult.

I seem to get very upset at the same stage every time.

Today, I also realised that when I am out and about, day or night, that I fear men, because of what they are capable of.

I also realised because of this, I dont like walking to anywhere, by myself, day or night, as it makes me very anxious and I am highly over vigilant.

I cant enjoy a relaxed stroll to the shops, or in a park etc. if I am alone.

The part of the reliving kept creeping into my mind this afternoon and I found myself getting upset, and havent been feeling too great this afternoon, due to the anxiety.

Surprisingly, bf sent me an SMS early afternoon, to ask if I was OK.

I wasnt sure what he was referring to, as it didnt occur to me that he would remember my Friday PTSD session and that I might not be feeling OK afterward.

I rang him and he told me I usually ring him after my PTSD session and I didnt today, and seem surprised.

It is me who is surprised!

I wouldnt have thought he could be that thoughtful or would have realised that I might not be alright afterwards.

Gold star for bf.

He even sent me an email with a link to cheer me up!

Me even more surprised.

I find the whole “hipster” movement entertaining.  My strange mind at work.

So he sent this link.

And yes, I did find it amusing.

I took the opportunity, as I have been feeling better, to ring Dad and just let him know things were getting better and I am feeling much better.

I dont want my calls to him to all be when Im feeling like crap and on the edge of feeling like I am losing it.

I was going to have a nap with kitty and I was trying to block out the memories of the robbery that upsets me the most, and found myself getting quite anxious and even felt the early stages of a panic attack.

I took a valium.  One usually softens the panic attack a little.

I finally fell asleep with kitty and since  have been up, still dont feel to great.

After strong anxiety or a panic attack, I find I feel “unwell”.  It is hard to explain.  All of me just feels crap and drained.

I had to cancel my Xtend Barre class :(.

I will make it to tomorrow’s class.

Depression wise, the Allegron is finally kicking in and is much better.

I dont know if Allegron will eventually help my anxiety or not.  Im hope so!

I cant believe how quick the weeks are going.  It’s a blur.

I hope you all had a good week.

So I will leave you with this “funny”.  I found it amusing.


feelin a bit crap

Due to my lack of ability to get a good nights sleep lately, I am starting to feel pretty crap.

When I dont sleep well, I tend to start getting anxious and it can lead to feeling panicky.

Last Thursday night when I got hardly any sleep, I seemed to get through the day without anxiety and panic, even though I was really tired.

Today Im not coping so well.

I thought after Friday, I had got over a new hurdle and would be able cope.

I really have to start not having any days off.

I want to be like I used to be where I never got sick and rarely had days off.  But back then I had a lot more job satisfaction and was happier and more fulfilled mentally at work.  My depression etc. wasnt as bad either.

Only 2 hours and 5 minutes to go and I can go home. Although, if I start to feel any worse the bus ride home is not going to be fun and it will seem to be a lot longer than it is.

I used to have regular, bad panic attacks on the bus.  Going to work and coming home was a nightmare for me.

Only 1hr 15mins to go until I can go home and Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz….


Well we went to the Anniversary Funeral Mass of our dear friend we lost last year at only 42 years old.

It only went for an hour and then we went to the local RSL for dinner and drinks with friends who were also at the Mass.

So sad to lose a friend at that age.

It is only the second funeral I had ever been to and the first loss of a friend.

It reminds me there as time goes by there will be more, but hopefully not for a long time.  None of them are old enough.

We went to bed about 11pm, but I couldnt sleep, so I got up again and watched the rest of the movie “The Raven”.  I thought it was a bit boring at first and Im not a John Cusack fan, but it ending up being OK.  It is a movie about Edgar Allen Poe.

I copied my iTunes music from my Windows laptop to the USB hard drive and then to the Macbook Air.

OMG it is driving me nuts!  Only because I dont know the keyboard shortcuts or how to right click.  I have googled the two I needed for now.

It also took me a good ten minutes to find a menu in iTunes, but it wasnt really in iTunes it was on the menu bar that it hidden at the top of the screen!!!  OMG!!! I wanted to throw it in the bin.  😐

But I wont do that just yet.  Too expensive of a toy to just chuck it the bin just yet! lol

It will be interesting to see if I lose any music.  When I bought my iPhone 4S and plugged it into iTunes, I lost a fair bit of music.

And all the Mac freaks I know tell me how wonderful the Apple world is.  Sure sure…

It’s even got me to the stage that I am talking to the Mac, telling it to do what I want it to do.  lol

I havent been feeling to good for the last 20 minutes.  The anxiety/panic feeling is setting in, so I should maybe try and go to sleep before it gets too bad.  I hope I can fall asleep feeling like this.  Definitely worth a try.

Good night all or early morning.

a night with magic mike

I went to the movies with a couple of girl friends on Tuesday night.

It’s a fun movie and visually pleasurable. 🙂

The movies is not somewhere I have visited much of the last decade, due to anxiety and panic attackss

I always like to sit near the front and on the end of an aisle, so I can get away quickly if I need to.

Now Hoyts have decided that they will allocate seats, so we ended up right in the middle.

So there was lots of wringing of hands throughout the movie, but I got through it.

It reminded me why I dont go to the movies.

I usually go with the bf and he knows where I like to sit.  My friends are not aware of my issues with depression, anxiety and panic attacks, because I choose to hide it.

While we were watching the movie, I was thinking about us going to dinner in Newtown afterwards and that we might get a bottle of wine and then the thought  “some wine would be nice and to get really smashed” would be great.

I dont know why I thought that.  I used to always be the one that never got drunk.  I dont know what has changed that makes me want to get smashed.

I havent had a drink since my last binge.  Im too scared to.

We went out to Pastizzi after the movies and didnt have any wine because the movie finished later than we expected.  So it was a good night.