not feelin so great

I worked today and it went to quick.

I was feeling so great when I finished and still dont.

I dont remember if I took my Allegron last night or not.

Im feeling very flat.

My thoughts have been quite negative.

I looks so unattractive, my thighs look really fat in my jeans.

Im wishing I didnt buy the Meet & Greet ticket to 30 Seconds to Mars movie Artifiact at the end of the month.

Maybe if I looked better I would.

But I dont and will feel so self conscious and ugly.

I feel so ugly.

Not going to Xtend Barre class on Friday & Saturday, is not going help my fatness either.

I really wish the pain would end.

I wish I didnt have depression and anxiety issues.

It would be nice to be normal.

I just want it to stop.



a grim start to the day

On Monday morning at about 3am I woke up and couldnt get back to sleep for a while.

I realised that I had not taken my medication for two days, which may be one of the reasons I had been crying over everything.

I messaged my new Director boss if I could work from home and I received quite a terse message in response.

I slept until about 2pm, when kitty meowed at me and meowed some more, so I got out of bed and gave him some attention, love and milk.

Today on my way to work I was not looking forward to work, after the terse message.

I was thinking of that statement the other day “at least when your dead the pain stops”.

I actually thought of a new, tidy way to end my life.  Lots of valium and go for a swim in the sea. I imagine I would become very drowsy, sleep and drift off.

My two new bosses are clearly trying to make our lives at work as difficult as possible.

If only I didnt need to work.

I came home and bf was on his computer with his earphones on an all I got out of him was a “hey” and not much more before he went to fencing.

Not a great day overall.   I just couldnt be bothered, so going to have a shower and go to bed early.

ptsd week three

On Friday we were going to go through reliving the first robbery.

I thought I would be OK and would be able to just tell what happened.

I had to close my eyes and walk through what happened in the first person.

It wasnt as easy as I thought it would be.

Ive very good at blocking thoughts.

If the robbery ever entered my head, it always is at the start of the robbery when the two guys with balaclavas first came into the area where we were with the money.

I was always able to block it at that point and move my thoughts onto something else.

There was one point in the robbery that I had always managed to block out and havent thought about for a long time.

When we got to that part of the robbery, I became quite upset.

I have managed to block it. Have never talked about it to anyone and havent allowed myself to think about it myself, or admitted to myself how much that part of the ordeal scared me.

I dont know if I could ever admit to anyone, even bf or any of my family or even talk to anyone about this part of the robbery and why it scared me so much.

Afterward, I had to do a list of stretches with a heart rate monitor and they were noted down.

The psychologist advised that from going through reliving the ordeal, that it can cause flashbacks.

I didnt do too much today, just things around the house.

We went to a friends birthday dinner and for some reason did not feel like socialising too much.

I get the feeling that a couple of “friends” (a married couple) that were there tonight, dont like me very much.

When I think about how I am, I probably wouldnt like me either.

Im sure I come across in a way sometimes, due to my anxiety, is not very likeable.

I find that when I go out now, if it is quite noisy, I get quite anxious immediately, which makes me a bit a little bit sensitive and annoyed.

Whilst just sitting on the couch, I had one of those flashbacks of the part of the robbery that scared me the most, and it made me cry immediately, just out of the blue.

Im feeling quite depressed at the moment.  Quite numb.

On TV a young girl said “at least if your dead, the pain goes away”.  I agree, but have never heard it said out loud.  How accurate that statement is.

My homework is to do this at least twice this week.  Walk through the robbery out loud and afterwards do a list of stretches with a heart rate monitor on and save the heart rate readings into the heart rate monitor watch. I am not really looking forward to doing this, but it might help me in the long run and also help with their research.

Reliving the ordeal and then doing some stretches afterward is to help them somehow.  I cant remember exactly.

why does 30 seconds to mars make me cry

Ive been listening to 30 Seconds to Mars a lot of the last few weeks.

Years ago when I was having really bad panic attacks I was listening to Savage Garden to get me through it.  Their music is not my usual.

Particular songs make me cry.  I can feel my heart hurting.

Something I am not used to.  For the last couple of years the Pristiq made me feel nothing.  Numb.

City of Angels, This is War, 100 Suns, Hurricane and a few others make me cry and I feel the hurt inside.

I listen to them when I am feeling depressed or anxious.  To help me get through what I am feeling.

I do miss feeling numb, so I dont feel the hurt, the pain, the depression, the anxiety…

I sat on the back stairs last Friday night and just listened to their music and watched one of their videos, because I was feeling so much anxiety and depression.  I used it to make me cry and to get past the emotions I was feeling.

I needed something to distract me from the scary thoughts that run through my head.  Suicidal thoughts scare me.