a bit messed up

I cant believe it’s been a week since I last posted.

This week has quickly disappeared.

And what a week it has been.

I haven’t even read anyone elses blogs this week.  Something I was going to try and catch up on.

I think the dizziness I was feeling last week has finally gone, which I am assuming is the dregs of the Pristiq leaving my system.

I hadn’t been crying as much in the week either.  I has gradually petered off.

That is, until today.

I didnt go to work on Monday.  I just couldnt face it.

Tuesday, Wednesday and today, I was able to work from home, thankfully.

My new Director approved this.  Im not sure what he must be thinking.

I rang my previous Director, who is still my department’s boss for our sector.  She has been a great boss through all this madness.

She told me that my new Director had a chat to her and advised that he had approved me taking Friday’s off for medical reasons.  He doesnt know what is going on, but has been quite good with it.

The Fridays off being for the PTSD programme.

I just hope when I go back and chat to him that I dont cry, because just thinking about it now makes me want to cry.

That could be because Im not having a particularly good day and have been crying quite a bit since this afternoon.

I will go back to work on Tuesday.

I think I need to get out of the house.

My thoughts are starting to scare me a bit.

Not a great start to 2014, but hopefully when the Allegron is settled in my system, I will go back to not feeling as much.

I just want to cry all the time.

I really hope its hurries up.  I dont know how much longer my strength will hold up, with all the emotions I am feeling and am not used to.

I really, really wish my Mum was still here to help me through this.  I dont have anyone anymore to just hold my hand or hug me through the hard times.



After my little cocktail party on Saturday night, not surpisingly, I didnt get up until middayish and did not leave the house or do too much.

I did surf the internet, read some blogs and watch the last episode of Season One of The Newsroom and Episode Two of Season Five of Sons of Anarchy.

After reading a fellow bloggers blog recently (im sure it was Lisa from forcing myself happy – one of my favourite blogs)  about having a an older pensioner couple in her life when she was was growing up, it brought back a memory out of the deep, dark archives of my brain.  A memory I had forgotten for years.

When I was growing up, there was an older later that lived up the hill (Mrs Brady). I used to go up to visit her quite regularly.  I either met her on my way up to a friends house or met her through my friend.

I used to visit and I loved Mrs Brady.  She lived alone.  I think her husband had passed away at some point.  We used to chat and hang out in her house or in the garden.  I dont really remember what we did or talked about, but I know I loved going over there.

I miss having that in my life.  My Mum and Nan are no longer around.  I would like to have someone like that in my life.

So, I registered with Adopt A Pensioner.  I remember seeing it on a TV show last year and I never got around to registering.  It’s not about money.  It is someone you can become friends with and visit them for a cuppa, help in the garden or around the house, help pick up shopping, or just be a friend to someone who is lonely.  You are put on their database and a pensioner can pick you from the database on the website and contact you via email.

I also registered for a Compeer volunteer, which entails becoming a friend with someone who has been isolated due to a mental illness and is trying to make their way back into life I guess.


I cant easily change my job due to financial needs and if I start a new career then I would probably have a drop in pay due to being new in that field, so this was the next best thing I could think of.

It’s worth a try.

my mum

I miss my mum.

I miss her hugs.  Noone else can match her hugs.  Im never going to have one of her hugs again.

Mum passed away February 2007 from cancer.

She ate healthy, exercised, didnt smoke, drank a shandy maybe once a year and was a good person.

She didnt deserve it.

There are so many bad people out there that arent good people that deserve it more than all the good people that get cancer.

Dad didnt help.  The lies about his girlfriend, that he told her he never had.

I still think stress can contribute to people getting cancer.

Stringing her on for so long.  She loved him.  I dont think she knew how to love anyone else after 43 years of marraige.

Dad and his girlfriend are happy together.  Ive accepted it because he is my Dad and the only one I will ever have.  BUT I will never forgive him.

Nan (Mum’s Mum) passed away last year.  I hope they are together wherever they are.  Keeping each other company.