some motivation

One thing I have managed to keep on top of and been motivated enough to do is blog.

I hope things keep up, so I keep on blogging and reading your blogs too.

Im also up to book three for the year.  Yey!

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feelin’ so low

The last few days have been a tad bleak.

On Sunday night, I was fine.

When bf and I were in bed, he had just turned off his phone, which he had been reading something on, and closed his eyes.

I asked him a question and he gruffly replied he was trying to sleep.

That was the trigger.  That was all it took.

I laid awake for hours, initially wondering why he was with me still and if he liked me or what he liked about me.

I also brought some bad dating memories out of the archives, way back in the archives, that I had completely forgot about and stewed/stressed on them for hours.

I ended up crying for a while and then getting up and sitting on the back stairs for a cigarette for some more crying.

On Monday, I felt so low and Im sure tiredness did not help.

I had an appointment with the GP to have my stitches checked.  I had a skin check last week and all was fine.  I also had a growth on my stomach and had it removed and stitches were required.

The GP advised the growth just looked like overgrown scar tissue, but sent it away anyway to have it checked.

Whilst the GP was cleaning and redressing the stitches I started to quietly cry.  I put my sunnies on so she wouldnt notice.

When we were at her desk afterward, I started crying again and she asked what was up and I told her I was having a bad day and felt really depressed.

I reminded her that I was tapering of Pristiq and was on the lowest dosage of 50mg and was due to start Allegron on Monday night.

Whilst she was checking my stitches, she had the “office” girl ring Medicare to see if I had any visits on my Health Care Plan from last year left.

I did, so she was able to book me in with a Psychologist that afternoon in the same medical centre.

You can get 10 free visits a year (covered by Medicare) with a psychologist and more if recommended by the psychologist. I think they call it a Health Care Plan.  I found out about it from a previous GP.  It wasnt something I was aware was available.  Im not sure it is widely know by the general public.

I went and saw Kristina (the psychologist) later than afternoon and had another cry.  I was very depressed.

I gave her an overview from 2006 and will be going back to see her next week.  She seemed quite nice and said she wanted to help me feel better again.

It would be so nice to have motivation, energy and feel happy again.  I cant remember when I last was like this.

My memory is crap though.

Last night I asked bf to put his arm around me, as I wasnt feeling great and after he fell asleep, I had another little cry.

I tend to not cry around him, because it makes him feel uncomfortable and he doesnt know what to do.

As I was a bit quieter than usual, bf thought I was peeved at him, so therefore became peeved at me and hardly talked to me on Monday or Tuesday.

This always seems to happen when I am depressed.

This did not help.

still here

Hi All

 

Im still here.

I hope you have all had a good year and not had too many struggles.

Ive been in hibernation for quite a while.  My depression is still here.  I feel like Im flatlining.  Not many highs or lows, just flatline.

On some days I have off, I stay in bed until mid afternoon and dont get out of my pjs.  Just soooo tired.

I dont go out too much, I get to work most days, but its still a struggle to leave the house some days.  It can be so exhausting just to drag myself out of bed, get dressed and go to work or any events in general.  I have distanced myself from my family, just because it can be so hard to deal with, except my sister.  My sister struggles with depression and we are the only people we know who understand how we feel.  She knows she can tell me anything re how she is and I understand and dont judge.  We think Dad has distanced himself from us too, as we dont hear from him and when we do talk to him, he keeps it short and sweet.  Too hard, so we dont care too much these days.

My beautiful kitties are still beautiful and I love them more and more each day, if that is possible.  I love them more than anything else in the world!

Bf has had some grumpy moments this year, but is doing OK lately.

I wish I had not gone into hibernation from here, as it would be interesting to read back and see how I was feeling.  Im sure when I read back on my posts from the beginning it will be an interesting read.

I am going to try and blog more and read your blogs again.  I just wish I could kick my motivation into gear.  I have had no motivation at all this year.

I did get back into reading around September, I read one book and have read a book just about every week since.  I havent read books for the longest time.

So fingers crossed I can kick my motivation into gear!

motivation, or lack of…

I have been reading others posts when I get time.

I havent been posting much due to lack of motivation to do anything.

While bf is at work on Saturdays, I sleep and lay in bed all day.  He has no idea I do that.

I postponed fencing this week because I could just not be bothered to leave the house.

If I didnt have to work I would probably hardly leave the house at all.

But today I convinced myself to go to the solarium, walk up to the end of Enmore Rd and caught the bus from there instead of walking home, because it was really windy and there was a possibility of a storm.

When I got home I even went for a jog/run/walk on the treadmill and sweated my ass off!

Moments of motivation are very few and far between.  I wish there was a drug that could make me more motivated.

I really want to be more motivated.  There are things I would like to do, but I cannot not leave the house, let alone get out of bed or get off the couch if I make it that far.

I actually did a 5 day week last week.  That has not happened much this year.  It is such a struggle and I am exhausted by the end of the week.

I feel flat.  Bored with life, bored with the routine. Flaaaaaaaat.

 

skinny love

Well Im certainly not feeling it.

Skinny.

I just seem to getting bigger and bigger.

Clothes are getting tighter and tighter.

Im feeling fatter and fatter and more uncomfortable and more uncomfortable. AND crapper and crapper.

When Im at work I do alright with my eating.  At the mo I eating :

Breakfast – Miso soup and green tea.

Morning – 2 x white teas, 1 x carrot, 6 x cherry tomatoes, 6 x cos lettuce leaves, sometimes a few sticks of celery.

Lunch – 1 x celebrity slim shake in 600ml water or a tuna sandwich on multi grain bread

Afternoon – 1 x yoghurt or piece of fruit

When I get home – usually 2 x toast with Vegemite and maybe a slice of cheese on top.

Home is where I have the trouble.

Dinner varies.  Last week was quick, not so healthy food.

I dont seem to have any strength at home OR motivation to exercise.

I am doing fencing once a week at the moment and we are going to try and keep doing the kung fu, when we find out what our new fencing schedule will be when we go to the next level in 2 weeks (if I pass the comp).

Need my motivation to come back.

I never used to have to worry about weight, but now I cant stop growing outwards ! 😦

It’s not doing my self esteem and confidence any good.  I walk around looking at the ground.

I catch people looking at me in the street and I swear it has to be because my jeans must look too tight 😦