evening out

The Allegron has started to even out.

The GP lowered the dosage, as it was making me stutter and I started having panic attacks again.

After a week or so after lowering the dosage, Im not stuttering as much and it is gradually going away.

The panic attacks lasted a couple of weeks and have stopped also, since lowering the dosage.

I, however, am not evening out.

I still am having reoccurring thoughts of death and different ways I could achieve death.

I have seen an episodes in a TV shows where someone has  shot themselves and killed themselves and another where they wanted to shoot themselves and had run out of bullets.

Both times I wished it could be me, so I dont have to deal with my depression, anxiety or panic attacks.

Or worry about if I cant go to work, that I will lose my job and then cant pay the rent and have nowhere for my kitties to live and have money to look after them.

I dont want to hurt anymore, I dont want to feel like I do anymore.

I wish I didnt have to be strong anymore and go to work, so I can look after my kitties.

I feel so alone.

My friends dont know what is going on and I wont tell them, because then they will talk to other friends and everyone will know, probably think I am crazy somehow.

I cant talk to bf.  He doesnt like talking about serious things and cant handle emotions being showed by either of us.

He would probably be better off, if he didnt have me.  He could find someone younger and will go out more  often to the pub to drink.

I think he would get over not having me around and move on.

Im surprised he havent traded me in for a younger model already.

I often wonder why he stays with me.

He isnt all bad, he has many other good traits that not enough people have. eg. honest, trustworthy.  And he loves my kitties.

I dont want to have to be strong anymore.

Im tired.

So tired.

But I dont know if I am even brave enough to finish the job.

So Im stuck in limbo.

Kitty is sick, but hopefully increasing the dose of his tablets, will keep him well.

If I lose kitty or I am involved in another crime, I know I wont get back up again.

I dont want to keep going now.  Life is so draining.

It would just be easier and less draining if it could end.

I wish I didnt have to go on. Or go to work tomorrow.

But if I stop and I lose kitty, I will die inside first.

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a quiet day

Panic attacks are exhausting.

I guess its because the whole body is in maximum tension mode, including the brain.

I was unable to go to work today and have had to cancel my Xtend Barre class tonight.

I was so pleased that I managed to not miss any days at work last week and was thinking that it was the start of no days off.

I want to get back to the days, where I never took any sick days.

But no.

Maybe next week.

Im feeling quite low today.

Im wondering what bf is thinking of what happened last night.

And poor kitty did not know what was going on.  He was acting a bit wary afterwards and I was worried he would be a bit distant with me today.

But he is still sticking close to me today. What a relief.

cbt

Every week, as part of PTSD treatment programme, the psychologist gives me homework.

Some examples :

Thought process exercises, where I have to write about a situation Ive had during the week and write down my thought processes during the situation and also write down how to try and train my brain to process it differently.

Reliving the robberies and doing stretching exercises on afterward with a heart rate monitor on and document the heart rate at the start and at the end of the stretching exercises.

I do it when bf is not home.

Last night kitty decided to keep me company.

IMG_3308 IMG_3314

 

kitty

My beautiful baby Neo has made it clear I was to take my laptop off my lap, so he could make himself comfortable on my lap.

I love it when he sleeps on my lap.

It is something he only started doing a couple of months ago, randomly.

It warms my heart 🙂

book two – under the paw

I finished book two for the year.

Under The Paw by Tom Cox

Under-the-Paw

 

It is a book by a Crazy Cat Man, who loves cats, especially their six cats, along with his wife.

It has some very amusing cat situations.

Tom Cox being a Brit, some of the slang he used, I had no idea what he was on about.

Those mad Brits!

Now Im going to start his second book Talk to the Tail.