tough times ahead

bf and I just seem to grow farther and farther apart.

He works six days a week and three nights a week training to be a fencing instructor.

I went back to fencing about 10 weeks ago.  This was not an easy feat.

I did it for him, because he wanted be to go back.  I also did it for me.  I once enjoyed fencing and due to confidence issues, I had to give it up.

I have no self esteem or confidence.

The first night I went back I was so anxious, I had to try not to cry.

Each week has got easier.  It helped that the guys in my classes were friendly and also showed difficulty in getting some of the things we were taught right.

None of us passed the Novice course.  Im not surprised that I didnt, as I had forgotten so much.  It had been eighteen months since I last fenced and the last couple of months back then were are blur, due to my anxiety.

Surprisingly it did not upset me that I hadnt passed.  I guess the fact that noone else, probably helped.

I have decided to start from scratch and start at the beginners course, as there were references to the Beginners course that I did not remember as it was over two years ago.

So, I will go in and start from scratch and maybe in time I will get back to where I was.

I have to admit I am glad that I went back.  It was a major feat for me.

There are also a lot of nice people in the Sabre Centre.

Getting back to bf.

He will be working days and four nights at fencing.  This  does not seem to bother him at all.

I dont think it has crossed his mind that it means we will see even less of each other and when I mentioned it to him, he got annoyed with me, even though I wasnt talking to him in an annoyed manner.

Tonight he only had to be in the centre for an hour, but stayed there anyway and didnt get home for another 2.5 hours.

Tomorrow night he is going in and then going to another fencers place for drinks.

He just doesnt seem to factor me into any of this at all.

Maybe I am being to needy.

I have, like a lot of individuals do, go into a relationship and lose their “self”, their individuality.

I am going to have to start to get back to being an individual and not saying no to plans, just because bf is busy.

It will be hard times and everyone else will have there own things that they do now. So, Im going to have to deal with some instances where everyone else is doing their own thing as they have done, since I slipped out of the social circle.

It is going to hard, seeing that I have no self esteem to start with.

I will have to try to focus on work, and stop having so many days off, due to my “mental” issues.

My drugs arent working, so I am going to have to change drugs again.  What fun that will be!

Last time I thought I was going to lose it, as I didnt know what to do with everything that I was feeling, that had been numbed from the previous drug I was on.

This is going to be a screamer of a roller coaster ride.  And trying to not have days off from work and keep the constants thoughts of wanting to be dead.

If it wasnt for my kitties, and worrying about who would look after them like I do and love them like they do, I wouldnt be here anymore.

Thoughts of wanting to be dead are regularly creeping into my mind.

I am too weak to actually follow through with it.

I have progressed from wanting to go to Kings Cross and asking one of the bikies for a gun or finding out how much they charge to kill someone (me), to stabbing myself in the head repeatedly with an ice pick (I dont think this would last long and would be way to painful), to hanging myself off our back stairs, to taking lots of valium and going for a swim in the ocean and falling asleep in the ocean and drowning.

I have heard that drowning is a peaceful way to die, after the initial loss of air and intake of water.

Maybe the world will all end at once and then I wouldnt have to miss my kitties and they wouldnt have to miss me.

It breaks my heart to think about them wondering where mummy is.

They are so precious.

I dont know if I have the strength for whats coming up.  Only one way will tell.

One of the hardest things is that I dont have anyone to talk to.  bf is emotionally unavailable.  I now know what that means literally.

I cant talk to friends, as Im afraid of the stigma attached and them thinking Im a complete crazy person, which I may be anyway.

i cant even remember the last time he hugged me, the last time we had a passionate kiss or a kiss other than a peck hello.

I miss hugs.

I feel so numb, so empty.

can i risk another one

A couple of weeks ago I sent in an application to volunteer at the Cat Protections Society.

They have emailed me back and put me on a waitlist.

Its quite popular to volunteer there, it seems.

In the email they also suggested volunteering in their Op Shop.

It means dealing with money.  I am quite apprehensive to do this, as money attracts criminals that rob you for money.

Im not sure if I can work somewhere, where there is money and risk a third robbery.

I really dont want to put myself at risk, but I would also like to help them.

I think I am going to have to decline and just wait until they have a vacancy working with the kitties.

if i lost my baby neo

I dont know what I would do if I lost him.

I have become so attached to him.

Probably too attached.

I would fall apart.

He is what keeps me going.  The thought of leaving him without his Mum and not knowing where I have gone.

I not sure if other people I know with pets become so attached.

I love him so much.

He follows me everywhere at home and I love that he does this.

I love Morpheus as well, but the bond is not as close as it is with Neo.

I think this is mainly because Neo runs the show in our house and only lets Morpheus have a certain amount of attention.

Is it normal to love a pet so much?

NEO

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IMG_2977 IMG_2980

Morpheus

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pristiq

Im slowly saying goodbye to Pristiq.

Im down from 200mg to 50mg.  Five days of 50mg and then I add 25mg of Allegron for a week and then add 25mg each week until I hit 150mg.

So far so good.  I havent felt too bad.

I got a bit testy with bf for about five minutes.  I dont know if this was the reason or not.  He wasnt being unreasonable or being a “dick”.

I wont miss some of the side effects though.

My stomach has been like an unused cement mixer, that the cement has gone hard in.  So hopefully I wont have to take laxatives anymore.

I am always hot!  Im like a mobile heater, which caused a lot of sweating, so I had to use the “scientific” clinical protection to control my armpits from sweating, with a combination of the “No Sweat” concoction, which you had to make sure you wiped off in the morning.  Im not sure why, but I did just in case my armpits fell out!  Must be quite toxic, but it helped.

My “hotness” also caused me to be thirsty, ALL the time.  I felt like I had was in the desert and hadnt had a drink for days!

BUT, it did help with my anxiety and I have stopped having panic attacks.  What a relief!

It also stopped the constant black, black, suicidal thoughts.  How and when to do it was something I thought about a lot.  At least I didnt do it.

I love my kitties SO much, that the thought of leaving them without me (Mum) and not understanding where I had gone and them missing me, is the only thing that stopped me from actioning my black thoughts.

It hasnt fixed the depression and feeling nothing.  It’s like Im empty.

I get spikes of warmth with my kitties and the odd spike at something funny.  Not much makes me laugh.  A comment my bf made when I laughed at someones joke on New Years Eve.

Im dead on the inside.

So I guess I will see how Allegron goes, when I start taking it on Tuesday and see what gradually happens.

Fingers crossed!

Id so like to feel again (I think).  Maybe feeling nothing is easier.  It is rare for to cry and that I like.

The only things that make me cry are my kitties if they are sick, seeing animals on tele that are sick, hurting or they die.  Mums and children dying from cancer, probably because that is what happened with my Mum a few years ago.  And not much else.  Terrorism makes me sad, humans hurting other humans.

 

still here

Hi All

 

Im still here.

I hope you have all had a good year and not had too many struggles.

Ive been in hibernation for quite a while.  My depression is still here.  I feel like Im flatlining.  Not many highs or lows, just flatline.

On some days I have off, I stay in bed until mid afternoon and dont get out of my pjs.  Just soooo tired.

I dont go out too much, I get to work most days, but its still a struggle to leave the house some days.  It can be so exhausting just to drag myself out of bed, get dressed and go to work or any events in general.  I have distanced myself from my family, just because it can be so hard to deal with, except my sister.  My sister struggles with depression and we are the only people we know who understand how we feel.  She knows she can tell me anything re how she is and I understand and dont judge.  We think Dad has distanced himself from us too, as we dont hear from him and when we do talk to him, he keeps it short and sweet.  Too hard, so we dont care too much these days.

My beautiful kitties are still beautiful and I love them more and more each day, if that is possible.  I love them more than anything else in the world!

Bf has had some grumpy moments this year, but is doing OK lately.

I wish I had not gone into hibernation from here, as it would be interesting to read back and see how I was feeling.  Im sure when I read back on my posts from the beginning it will be an interesting read.

I am going to try and blog more and read your blogs again.  I just wish I could kick my motivation into gear.  I have had no motivation at all this year.

I did get back into reading around September, I read one book and have read a book just about every week since.  I havent read books for the longest time.

So fingers crossed I can kick my motivation into gear!