friday night cocktail

We went out to Japanese and had a yummy dinner and three 300ml servings of sake.

I was feeling quite relaxed from the sake by this stage.  We went home and I had obviously passed that point where I want to drink more and get wasted.

So I suggested we go to a club where bf used to work, because I thought he might say yes.  I kind of wish now that he had said no, because there were poker machines there.

He suggested we finish of the half joint he had left over from last night, so we did.

On the way from the car to the club I took a couple of valiums.  Not that I needed them.

We only had a couple of drinks and stayed for around an hour because I didnt have much money with me and know I have no money on me.  My savings are in an account that I threw the attached card to it away, so on nights like this I dont touch it.

When we got home we had a couple of vodkas and cranberry and I took a sleeping pill.  Not that I would have needed it.

I have never done this kind of thing before.  Mixing alcohol, weed and prescription drugs, just because I want to get wasted.

Not a good sign.

I dont know where the need to get drunk/wasted came from, seeing I was always the one that everyone used to say never got drunk.  And I didnt.

It has only started in the last 2 – 4 years.

I used to always save my valium, so when I really needed it, I had some.

My regular GP, who I have been seeing for about 10 years give me valium, but I only usually get maybe two prescriptions a year these days.  The GP at the medical centre wont give me Valium.  From what I can gather it is not a drug given out easily here, so I dont want to lose the privilege of being able to get it from my GP.

I have been given a Health Care Pack (I think that is what it is called) that gives me 10 cheaper ($120) sessions with a therapist.

Maybe it is time to make that appointment.

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issues

Geez I have some issues.

No wonder I dont like myself.

Seizures (in the past thankfully) and hope they stay that way.  I still think it is a possibility though.

Depression

Anxiety

Panic attacks

Gambling

Drinking

Not attractive

Ive put weight on but have no motivation to do anything about it

Crap memory so cant sit exams for work (I failed the last exam twice and still havent passed it) and work paid for the course twice.

No libido

Crap at saving money

alcohol & the other me

For years, well over a decade, I was always the one that never got drunk.

Friends used to comment on the fact they never see me drunk.

BUT things have changed.  I dont know why.  I dont know what has changed.

I dont drink everyday and some weeks when we dont go out, I dont drink at all.  I can go for 2 -3 weeks without a drink, and we dont drink at home.  We dont try to not drink at home.  It’s just something that Ive never really felt the need to do.

So much so, any bottles of alcohol (spirits) I have, I am giving to a friend because they just sit in the cupboard.  These were generally given to me as a gift.

Something has changed in me and Im not sure what has triggered it. Maybe it was the two armed robberies I was in,  in 2006. It was after them that I started to gamble and it got a bit out of hand for a while, but generally have it under control now and dont often feel the need, only when I drink is when I even think about it.  When I dont drink, I dont even think about gambling.

Maybe it was a combination of things that happened in that twelve months.  It was a particularly bad twelve months.

Two armed robberies, my Mum passed away and I was harassed at work by two nasty girls for a few months at work, not long after my Mum passed away.

For the last few years, Im not sure exactly when it started.  When I drink now  I generally always get drunk and just dont want to stop.

And this is when the “me” that I dont like comes out.  The next day I generally dont like myself too much and dont feel great, for obvious reasons.  I usually feel anxious and/or depressed the next day as well.

It has to stop.  I think I need to just stop drinking completely.  I dont really need to drink.  My bf doesnt think I need to give it up, but I just cant stop myself when I do.  I dont think he gets that. Im not sure if I have told him that I just cant seem to stop.   I have told him that is the only time I gamble, if I do, and he hates when I gamble.  When it was getting out of hand, it nearly led  us to break up.

He gave me an ultimatum.  We made an agreement if I didnt gamble, he would work on his bad moods.

It worked well for quite a while.  His moods have started to come back in the last couple of months and that is when I gambled a few times with alcohol of course.

A thought hit me after the last time, and I did mention to him that I noticed that since his moods started coming back is when I gambled on three occasions.  When before this, it hadnt really crossed my mind.

Who knows???

 

MONDAY is here again

I woke up still with a pain searing through part of my head, so I messaged TL to have a flex.

Took some Advil and went back to sleep.  Woke up about 10.30am and then went to lie in bed with the kitties and fell back to sleep, as I knew I would.  But it was nice and warm and had a kitty on each side.  Heaven 🙂

Dragged myself out of bed at 1pm, put some washing on.  For the rest of the day I watched the movie Casino with breaks to put washing on and hanging it up.  God it is such a long movie!

The scene where they beat the two guys to death with baseball bats and put them in a grave, while one is still alive (barely) and bury them is awesomely gruesome!

When bf came home he was still in a bad mood.

We started another chat and he was not happy, but neither was I, because of what I had done.  I dont know why I have done it again.  It seems to coincide when he has spates of bad moods and he has had them too regularly late.  Something in my head must click when he is like that and I do what he hates most.

We did make an agreement quite some time ago last year, that I would stop gambling if he would keep his bad moods in order.  And we both did for a long time and only recently both our bad habits came back.

I did mention to him that he also had gone against what we agreed on.  That we both had.  He agreed.  That was a bit of a “light bulb” moment for both of us.

He went to have a shower and I went to bed.  When he got into bed, he seemed better.  Maybe he had some time to think about the “light bulb” moment in the shower.

He even spooned me!! And seemed liked he was giving me a nice hug too!  Maybe there is hope for us again 🙂

WHAT A WEEKEND!! with a BIG MISTAKE

Had a chat on Friday night with bf, well attempted to anyone, re his outburst this morning.  I was lucky to get a grunt out of him, let alone a simple yes or no.  He didnt seem to think there was an issue.  I gave up and went to bed early, so I could get up early in the morning.

SATURDAY

The weekend started off spectacularly.  For the middle of Winter, it was a beautiful, warmish day (in the sun).

Got up at 6am to volunteer for Park Run.

Park Run is a free 5km at Sydney Park, run by volunteers.  I did the run once and hurt my knee, so started volunteering instead.  I have been able to start running again, so am doing the Couch to 5K at home on the treadmill.  When I finish this in early September, I want to do a trial run of the Park Run, but not at Park Run initially, so I can see how I go.

My goal to complete Park Run in under 30 minutes.

After Park Run, I went to Boot Camp and met up with the usual crew for 1.45mins of torture and off the Park Cafe for a coffee and a chat.

Clearly, I am feeling better today, so am able to be more sociable.  I hope it stays this way.

A quick trip to the P.O. on my way home and then for some well deserved brunch.  Scrambled eggs on toast and nice hot cuppa.

Saturdays is a good “my time” day, as bf is at work.  So I get to relax a bit with the kitties and not do much of anything.  bf doesnt like to sit around and not do much, he usually wants to go somewhere and I am happy to be in my “happy place” (home) relaxing with the kitties.

I watched some Robin Williams Live, whilst I ate brunch.  Put a few things on Ebay to sell and took some more pics for some more things to sell on Ebay.  I have heaps of clothes to put on Ebay but keep putting it off, so I am going to try to do 10 a day and maybe get rid of the pile slowly.

I so want that corner of the room empty.  I dont like all  that wasted space.

When he got home from work, things were still uncomfortable, so I just started talking to him as if nothing was wrong.

We went to Thai for dinner, which was nice. He didnt feel like going out after dinner, which is normal these days.

BUT THEN I made the mistake of wanted to go down to the pub (which usually happens if I have been drinking) and he doesnt like me going down to the pub.  The reason being is I play the pokies and lose money and sometimes get a little drunk.

I havent been doing this for a long time and for some reason over the last several weeks, this is the third time Ive done it.

BUT THIS TIME, when the pub closed at midnight I went down to the other pub and didnt get home until about 1.30am, and to a very unhappy bf.   Understandably 😦

I hate it when I do this.  I cant explain why it has popped up again lately. I always regret it the next day and am much poorer for it.

SUNDAY

I got up at about 9.30am, showered, ate some Vegemite on toast and drank water.  I had a headache, probably due to drinking and not having enough water.

I met up with a friend and girls from the fitness group to try Indoor Rock Climbing.  It was fun, but I couldnt do more than two to the top, as I was feeling a bit average.

Had brunch with friend afterwards and chatted for a while.

On the way home I bought some more kitty food and went home to a very quiet house.  Not talking.

I then had a well needed nap with the kitties.

Got up and showered to wash my hair, fed the beautiful kitties, microwaved my leftovers from Thai, watched some TV.  bf went to bed early and I followed about an hour or so later.