a small downward spiral

Tonight I am not feeling so great.

I had a reasonably good day today, even if my head was a little foggy.

I got a couple of annoying messages on my way home, which made me somewhat angry.

And have spiralled downward since and am feeling more depressed as the night goes on.

Thoughts of death have even managed to creep in a few times.

Since the 60 Day Challenge finished about 3 – 4 weeks ago, I have been good and have kept up the 2 – 3 classes a week of Extend Barre.

This week I skipped all three classes and have spent all my spare time at home.

I wonder if not exercising has contributed.

They say exercise is good for depression.

Maybe it is a combination of no exercise and the annoying phone call.

So maybe I should try really hard next week to do my classes.


I read my last post (evening out).

It made me feel sad that I have to feel that way.

I am also going back to fencing tomorrow.

I had to stop last April, as I was finding it increasingly difficult to fence.

I would get on the piste and I would be so anxious, my mind went blank.

Going back tomorrow has been on my mind over the last couple of weeks.

I am feeling anxious about it, but used to enjoy it, so should go back.

It will also make bf happy.

He is now instructing there 3 – 4 nights a week, so we havent had as much time to spend with each other.

I have not been sure and am still not sure that I can enjoy it again.

The idea of fencing someone, the competing nature of fencing, is daunting me.

Im not an overt person and do not like the idea of having to compete.  And competing against someone who takes it way too seriously.

And there are a few of them.

I just dont think it is in my nature.


so much to do

Everything is going way to fast.

I dont know where all my time goes.

Other than work, dinner, shower & bed, I dont know where it goes.

I will be doing three Xtend Barre classes a week, but I still want to read a book a week, like I was doing for the last three months of last year.

I havent done much blogging or  reading this week.  I want to read more of your blogs.

I like to read other people’s blogs, too see what everyone else is up to and to see how you are coping and how you cope.

I want to study this year, but my brain is still to foggy for that.

Monday night is recovery night after the first day of work of the week.

Tuesday will be Xtend Barre at 6.15pm and then go home, shower, eat and probably go to bed early.  bf will be at fencing.

Wednesday, bf goes to trivia with the boys.  I used to go, but a couple of them ogle at women like theyve never seen legs or skin before.  Theyre married and they make it seem like theyre in prison.  I think they should think what it would be like married to them!  Theyre nice guys, but really…

Wednesday will be Xtend Barre at 7.30pm.

Hopefully the PTSD programme will help with this.  I think tomorrow is week 3 of 10.

They use cognitive thinking methods, to help train the thought process to go through a more positive process.

Last night I did the 7.30pm class because we were meeting a lady that might clean our apartment, as we dont have a lot of spare time and I dont want to do all the cleaning.

I managed to sneak in a 45 minutes – 1 hour power nap before the class.  Im sure I could use that hour better with blogging or reading.

Thursday would be a good night for studying or blogging.  Blogging only at this point, until the fog subsides.  Some Thursdays I will meet up with some of the girls that dont go to fencing much either anymore and have some bouts of fencing.  Maybe every second Thursday, depending on who is available.

Friday is both of our nights off anything, so we will chill or go out to dinner.  Last week we went to a new Japanese place.  It was good, but did not beat our favourite.

Saturday is my sleep in morning until 11am and then off to a Barre Camp class for 1 hour and 15 minutes.  After that if the weather is good I will do some washing and hang it out and tidy up a bit.  During the week we tend to not put everything away, bf is the  bigger offender of this.

I sit in the backyard and get some sun if the weather is good.  I could then blog or read or if I could ever study again, study.

Saturday night is either chill or go to dinner if we didnt on Friday.

On Sunday I have been making the effort to get us up early and we go to feed the ducks at the Park and have an egg & bacon roll and a coffee or go to a cafe for brekky.

Then for the rest of the day, bf might do some washing and I will do whatever.  I dont know where Sunday goes.

And then we do it all over again…

another teary, sometimes angry day

I stayed in bed again until 2pm.  The only reason I got up is kitty kept bugging me, so I figured he wanted some milk and/or biccies.

One of the biscuit bowls did need replenishing and I gave him some milk.

I was very close to just crawling back into bed, but I made a cup of tea and stayed up.

I had a fencing 1 on 1 lesson with our English coach, who is going back to the UK next week.  A pity.  He is a lovely man and I havent been fencing the whole time he was here and he has been suggesting I come in and do a lesson with him, so he could see what level I should slot back into when I go back.

(I have gotten to know him reasonably well outside of the centre and will miss him and his wife.)

I stopped fencing in April last year, due to anxiety and my non existent confidence.

I was a bit teary since I got up this afternoon.  No reason why, I just was and hiding in bed in the dark is what I wanted to do.

As the time came closer today to go and do the lesson, I was holding back my tears and really angry at the same time, as I felt pressured to go in by bf.  He booked he lesson with me, Im sure with good intentions of getting me “back on that horse”. I was angry at him for making me feel pressured and at the time felt that he wanted me to go back mainly for him.

We did start fencing at the same time and it was something we could do together, which we didnt really have at the time we started.

We did the four courses together – Beginners, Novice, Intermediate and Advanced.  I was starting to struggle with my confidence and anxiety in the Intermediate course and really should not have been given the badge at the end of it, as much I what I was shown was erased very quickly, due to my anxiety.

I did the Advanced course and really struggled to get there to do the classes and would be surprised if I took in any of the course material at all.

When I got there, I was trying not to cry and was anxious.

He is a great coach and if things had been different, would have done more classes with him last year, if I was in a better place.

Bf has been coached to instruct classes and will be instructing classes on his own at the end of this month.

He has done really well and is quite good at it.  The difference being, he has more confidence than I do, although does doubt his abilities often.

I used to be able to beat him sometimes, way back when last year.  Maybe I will be able to do it, if I keep it up.

I left very shortly after the lesson.  I couldnt wait to get out of there. Said a quick goodbye and wave to bf on my way out, as he was busy in a lesson, I think.

Ive sent bf an SMS and tried to call him and had no reply.  I have a feeling Im in the bad books again. Hopefully, he is just busy.  Unlikely.

Ive been in the bad books all week, due to my quietness being taken as moodiness and being peeved at bf.  I havent been peeved at him until today, but that was due to my anxiety about going back to the fencing centre.  So then, he has been peeved at me all week.

big clean up day

Today at work we had a big clean up.  Our compactus and store room were full of old equipment, manuals, books, CDs etc.

The boss organised it.

It was surprising how many people did not want to help, but they wanted the pizza the boss bought for those who did help.

A lot of people these days only seem to be concerned with themselves and dont want to help others.  So sad.

I cant believe how much crap there was.  Most of it would have belonged to people who did not work here anymore and some of it was at least ten years old.

We filled so many general rubbish bins and recycible bins and so much old equipment was taken down to the loading dock to be picked up.

So much landfill and trees!

We dont think the cleaners and rubbish guy/s will be very happy when they see all the crap they will have to get rid of 😐

So now I am waiting for bf to pick me up and we are supposed to be going to fencing.  He has to wait for the workshop manager to enter something into the system, so he can then do something in the system, so he can get commission this month.  He is a bit grumpy because it has been left to the last minute and he has to stay back at work for an hour.

I am so glad I dont have to worry about commissions.

It doesnt look like we will be going to fencing.

Oh well, we can do a catch up class.

Hopefully he can pick me up soon or tell me Im better off catching a bus.

Have a great evening all 🙂


australia day

One of my favourite public holidays is Australia Day.

I found this pic brought out by Vegemite, one of my most favourite foods!  Loving Vegemite and Australia, I thought this was an awesome pic.


I didnt achieve much on the day (bf was working), but the weather was perfect and I chilled out with the kitties at home for most of the day.

I did have to get up early and pick my car up from a service.  I took it in yesterday and bf dropped me home and dropped me there again to pick it up.  Bless him!

After that I had to go and have blood tests for many different things and a breath test.

My usual doctor is away on holidays until mid March!  What a life!

So there is a temp doctor there and I mentioned some of my issues, eg. anti depressants, regular fatigue (which has improved a little since taking the thyroid meds), my regular stomach issues that I have had for yeeears, but learned to live with them.

He suggested getting blood tests for various things and a breath test to see if I have a bacteria or something in my stomach.  I was surprised and very pleased when he suggested the tests, as neither of the two doctors I see ever suggested this.

SO, after that I went home and chilled with the kitties. One of my most favourite things to do.  🙂

Later in the day bf and I went to fencing and then went home to chill some more, as we had a few things on the next day (Sunday).

the first couple of weeks

The Xmas and New Year break went too quickly, as usual.  BUT it was a nice relaxing break.  bf was at work, so the kitties and I chilled at home.

The weather this Summer has been SO much better than last year.  A little too hot at times, but I prefer hot to cold.

The first couple of weeks back at work have been OK.

With the promotion to Team Leader,  Im not having to do support calls all day, which I am enjoying.

It hasnt been overly busy, as it has been school holidays.  The little loves go back to school today, so the traffic will go back to normal (crap) and the little loves will be on the bus making lots of noise and messing the bus up.  How I have missed them!  NOT 😐

I am still doing some though, as Im still waiting for the guys in the team to get the extra access, so I can train them in the new tasks they will be doing.

We have been fencing more often.  My poor body was hurting all over after three days of fencing and I slept like a log.

My depression has still not come back, which is a relief.  It is so much better not thinking about death all the time.

I hope you all had a nice break over Xmas and New Year too 🙂

a new week

Monday started off with a surprise at work.

One of our contractors couldnt be renewed due to budgetry reasons, so I asked if I could act up in the position that was now free.  I asked our Director this last week.  I also mentioned  a few weeks ago, to our Director that I was bored and missed the challenge I used to feel at work, since our previous Management (that have all left), gave all the interesting work to the contractors.

JG has been acting in the Director’s position for a few months now and she is soooo much better than the last two previous people in that job. It is probably just a coincidence that she is better and is a woman as well 😛

JG called me into her office on Monday morning and advised that the spare position in our team was being moved to the Desktop Support team as a Team Leader position and wanted to know if I wanted to act in the job and set up the second level support as it should be, as I have worked in both Level 2 & 3 and know what tasks they should be doing.  To do more and train them in the tasks they should be doing that the Level 3 team are currently (my current team) are doing.

It will also give me the experience, so when the merger between us and other justice departments takes place (one day!) that I will have the experience to apply for a Team Leader position.

So that was a good start to the day and week!  A promotion and a bit more money 🙂

Last night I did my catch up fencing class, as I missed Saturdays.  I did my lesson with the new imported Scottish fencing teacher.  He seems really nice and a good teacher too.