i feel so fat fat fat

Since this bout of depression started in 2010, I have gone from a nice size 10 to a not so nice size 13 in my jeans and not so nice medium sized tops.

I dont know if it is from the drugs, lack of exercise or food, OR a combination.

When the weather is warmer (now) I dont eat that much, but I still dont seem to get any lighter.

I feel so gross.  I really want to be a nice size 10 again.

I feel so unattractive.  Weight and the lovely bags I now have under my eyes, like my parents.  Not much I can do about them.

I feel so ugly.

I guess as I am older now as well, its not like anyone is going to look at me now anyway.

My days of boys looking at me are long gone.  I cant remember catching anyone looking at me for a long, long time.

Not that I am interested in finding another man, but it would be nice to feel like a nice size 10 and doing OK for my age.

I guess getting old and more unattractive is inevitable.

At least I met bf before I got fatter and uglier.

Im not sure why he stays sometimes.  He is nine years younger and we have been together nearly eight years., but I still think he is hot.

I would have thought he would have traded me in for a younger model by now.  I know he could get one and a much more attractive one at that!

I dont want to be so fat fat fat anymore 😦  I was used to being slim all my life until a few years ago.  It sucks 😦

BUT Im sure a lot of people out there have much more serious issues than my fatness.  I should be happy for what I have.

Why cant we be happy with what we have.  Im certainly better off than a lot of people…


fencing on friday

A couple of weeks ago we started doing a 1o week beginners fencing class.  Just to do something different and get ourselves off the couch.

It is fun, but also a little frustrating, only because Im still learning.

It is definitely good for fitness.  It is really hot in the outfits, so  I sweat a lot and burn over 1,000 calories per two hour session.

bf is better at it than I am. The teacher says shorter people have better speed (bf)  and taller people (like me) have to rely on our reach.

Ive never been really good at any sport.

I think Im a bit unco, so have to get it in my head that this is just for fun and it doesnt matter if I get beaten, as I am only a beginner.




We are told we should drink at least 2 litres of water a day.

How does anyone do that!

I struggle to drink water at all.

I like water and when Im thirsty (which is never) that is my preferred drink, next to a good cup of tea.

The only time I get thirsty is when I exercise and lately my motivation levels have been NIL, so not a lot of exercise has been happening.  Ive also had the flu this week, so that didnt help.

I know exercise is supposed to help depression and if I exercise then I will drink water, but all I want to do is lay in bed and sleep forever.

I never feel thirsty and have to force myself to drink.

I can go a few days without drinking water and it is only when Ive had a headache for a couple of days or I cant get comfortable in bed and I toss and turn a lot that I realise I havent been drinking water again.

Light bulb moment!

Surely there are other people out there that are like this.

I dont know why I just dont feel thirsty.  Ever.