last night

We went out for Lebanese and had some wine.

Then we bought some more and had that a home, which is why I got drunk.

I got stoned again for the second time in over a decade.

I messaged my sister after 1am, thankfully she was still awake, so she rang me and we spoke for ages and I waffled on.

I talk a lot when Im drunk.

At least Im a happy drunk.

And when I woke up this morning.  Lunch time actually.  I noticed that I had taken a sleeping tablet, which clearly was not necessary.

After alcohol and a joint, I would have slept fine.

No more alcohol or weed for me.

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alcohol & the other me

For years, well over a decade, I was always the one that never got drunk.

Friends used to comment on the fact they never see me drunk.

BUT things have changed.  I dont know why.  I dont know what has changed.

I dont drink everyday and some weeks when we dont go out, I dont drink at all.  I can go for 2 -3 weeks without a drink, and we dont drink at home.  We dont try to not drink at home.  It’s just something that Ive never really felt the need to do.

So much so, any bottles of alcohol (spirits) I have, I am giving to a friend because they just sit in the cupboard.  These were generally given to me as a gift.

Something has changed in me and Im not sure what has triggered it. Maybe it was the two armed robberies I was in,  in 2006. It was after them that I started to gamble and it got a bit out of hand for a while, but generally have it under control now and dont often feel the need, only when I drink is when I even think about it.  When I dont drink, I dont even think about gambling.

Maybe it was a combination of things that happened in that twelve months.  It was a particularly bad twelve months.

Two armed robberies, my Mum passed away and I was harassed at work by two nasty girls for a few months at work, not long after my Mum passed away.

For the last few years, Im not sure exactly when it started.  When I drink now  I generally always get drunk and just dont want to stop.

And this is when the “me” that I dont like comes out.  The next day I generally dont like myself too much and dont feel great, for obvious reasons.  I usually feel anxious and/or depressed the next day as well.

It has to stop.  I think I need to just stop drinking completely.  I dont really need to drink.  My bf doesnt think I need to give it up, but I just cant stop myself when I do.  I dont think he gets that. Im not sure if I have told him that I just cant seem to stop.   I have told him that is the only time I gamble, if I do, and he hates when I gamble.  When it was getting out of hand, it nearly led  us to break up.

He gave me an ultimatum.  We made an agreement if I didnt gamble, he would work on his bad moods.

It worked well for quite a while.  His moods have started to come back in the last couple of months and that is when I gambled a few times with alcohol of course.

A thought hit me after the last time, and I did mention to him that I noticed that since his moods started coming back is when I gambled on three occasions.  When before this, it hadnt really crossed my mind.

Who knows???