more crying

I am still a bit teary.  It doesnt take much to set it off.  I havent cried yet today though.

Yesterday, I went to get my stitches out and started crying again when seeing the GP.  Just remembering this makes me want to cry again.

It just keeps coming.

I cant wait for the drugs to smooth out inside me.

It looks like the GP did a good job with removing the growth on my stomach.  The results came back as normal.  It was “some big word” and she advised it was good we removed it now.

The scar is quite fine and she said it would disappear in time.  All good.

After the GP, I went upstairs for my appointment with the psychologist and cried through most of that.

It seems to be my thing at the moment.

I know it will get better as the drugs even out.

I have had to have another day off work.  I cant exactly go to work and start crying all over the place.

I had already organised to have tomorrow off to go to the PTSD clinic, so dont have to go to work until Saturday.

Ive SMSed one of my people to see if they can swap next Saturday for this Saturday.  Fingers crossed.

Im hoping I will be better by some time on the weekend.  I want to try an xtend barre class, so I can see if I like it.

If I do I want to do the 60 Day Challenge, which starts on February 10.

I did ballet when I was at school and still love to watch it and listen to Swan Lake etc.

Xtend Barre is a mixture of ballet barre exercises and pilates.

 

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i feel so fat fat fat

Since this bout of depression started in 2010, I have gone from a nice size 10 to a not so nice size 13 in my jeans and not so nice medium sized tops.

I dont know if it is from the drugs, lack of exercise or food, OR a combination.

When the weather is warmer (now) I dont eat that much, but I still dont seem to get any lighter.

I feel so gross.  I really want to be a nice size 10 again.

I feel so unattractive.  Weight and the lovely bags I now have under my eyes, like my parents.  Not much I can do about them.

I feel so ugly.

I guess as I am older now as well, its not like anyone is going to look at me now anyway.

My days of boys looking at me are long gone.  I cant remember catching anyone looking at me for a long, long time.

Not that I am interested in finding another man, but it would be nice to feel like a nice size 10 and doing OK for my age.

I guess getting old and more unattractive is inevitable.

At least I met bf before I got fatter and uglier.

Im not sure why he stays sometimes.  He is nine years younger and we have been together nearly eight years., but I still think he is hot.

I would have thought he would have traded me in for a younger model by now.  I know he could get one and a much more attractive one at that!

I dont want to be so fat fat fat anymore 😦  I was used to being slim all my life until a few years ago.  It sucks 😦

BUT Im sure a lot of people out there have much more serious issues than my fatness.  I should be happy for what I have.

Why cant we be happy with what we have.  Im certainly better off than a lot of people…

friday night cocktail

We went out to Japanese and had a yummy dinner and three 300ml servings of sake.

I was feeling quite relaxed from the sake by this stage.  We went home and I had obviously passed that point where I want to drink more and get wasted.

So I suggested we go to a club where bf used to work, because I thought he might say yes.  I kind of wish now that he had said no, because there were poker machines there.

He suggested we finish of the half joint he had left over from last night, so we did.

On the way from the car to the club I took a couple of valiums.  Not that I needed them.

We only had a couple of drinks and stayed for around an hour because I didnt have much money with me and know I have no money on me.  My savings are in an account that I threw the attached card to it away, so on nights like this I dont touch it.

When we got home we had a couple of vodkas and cranberry and I took a sleeping pill.  Not that I would have needed it.

I have never done this kind of thing before.  Mixing alcohol, weed and prescription drugs, just because I want to get wasted.

Not a good sign.

I dont know where the need to get drunk/wasted came from, seeing I was always the one that everyone used to say never got drunk.  And I didnt.

It has only started in the last 2 – 4 years.

I used to always save my valium, so when I really needed it, I had some.

My regular GP, who I have been seeing for about 10 years give me valium, but I only usually get maybe two prescriptions a year these days.  The GP at the medical centre wont give me Valium.  From what I can gather it is not a drug given out easily here, so I dont want to lose the privilege of being able to get it from my GP.

I have been given a Health Care Pack (I think that is what it is called) that gives me 10 cheaper ($120) sessions with a therapist.

Maybe it is time to make that appointment.