why does 30 seconds to mars make me cry

Ive been listening to 30 Seconds to Mars a lot of the last few weeks.

Years ago when I was having really bad panic attacks I was listening to Savage Garden to get me through it.  Their music is not my usual.

Particular songs make me cry.  I can feel my heart hurting.

Something I am not used to.  For the last couple of years the Pristiq made me feel nothing.  Numb.

City of Angels, This is War, 100 Suns, Hurricane and a few others make me cry and I feel the hurt inside.

I listen to them when I am feeling depressed or anxious.  To help me get through what I am feeling.

I do miss feeling numb, so I dont feel the hurt, the pain, the depression, the anxiety…

I sat on the back stairs last Friday night and just listened to their music and watched one of their videos, because I was feeling so much anxiety and depression.  I used it to make me cry and to get past the emotions I was feeling.

I needed something to distract me from the scary thoughts that run through my head.  Suicidal thoughts scare me.

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to hell and back

What a week Ive had.

Im exhausted.

I have felt so many different emotions this week, I am absolutely exhausted.  I really hope I dont have to go through to much more of this.

My first morning back at work on Monday, my mind was in a fog.  I managed to get the weekly reports done.  What a task to do them through all the cotton wool in my head.

My two 7.30am people didnt show up.  One of them I had to ring and I had clearly woken him up.  I was the only one there until about 8.15am, so had to log into the phones, so there was someone to answer the phones.

An interesting start to the day!

My Director from the new department came in for a catch up.  My department  Director and my new Director have different ideas as to what the want for a project I need to organise and this is not the first time that I have been stuck in the middle.  The new needs to speak to the current and agree on a direction and then I can do it!

I got quite frustrated and thankfully one of my team told me my mid morning meeting had arrived.  Awesome timing!  We went to a cafe for a tea and a chat.

I have some submissions to write for various things we require and this is new to me, so need to be able to think and focus, but I cant, as my head is full of cotton wool and feels numb.

On the way home on the bus I started to feel very anxious and by the time bf got home, I felt like I was starting to “lose my shit”.

(Just thinking back to this is making me feel anxious and wanting to cry)

I had to take some Valium and a couple of cigarettes and a glass of wine.  Not a good mixture I know, but after a while, started to calm down.

The next day my head was still in a fog and dont remember much and dont think I achieved too much.

I do remember emailing my contractors and advising them that as they are on a daily rate, that they now need to work 8 hour days, instead of a 7.5hr day, and to let me know if they have any queries.

On the way out I asked them about it and they were discussing it.  The contractor that I regard highly, had contacted their agency, to find out if this was OK and he didnt seem happy about it.

The day before I had spoken to his agency to ask them to increase his daily rate, as he deserves it.  So it surprised me that even after this, he was not happy about an extra half an hour.

On the way home I was feeling very cotton woolly and anxious, so went to see the GP to see if they had something I could take temporarily, just so I could focus.  The GP told me I needed to ring up the psychiatrist from the Black Dog Institute re the way I have been feeling on the new drug, and didnt want to introduce another drug temporarily.

On my walk home from the GP, I rang the BDI (Black Dog Institute) and asked if I could speak to the shrink re the recommendation he wrote and that there was something we discussed not in the recommendation.  She put me on hold and she came back telling me the shrink said everything was in the recommendation that we discussed.  How did he know what was missing, if he wouldnt even speak to me! AND I havent seen.  So how would I know either.

Due to my frustration and high anxiety.  I told her that obviously noone cares about me! and hung up. I was feeling so RAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

By the time I got home from the GP (which is only a short walk), I was full of frustration and anxiety!  RAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! again.

I threw my phone on the bed.  I try really hard not to break things when in any kind of mood that I could break something.

I had to ring my Dad (again I feel like crying again, just thinking about it).  I guess this is what everyone would regard as triggering, in their blogs.

I explained to Dad, between many tears of my frustration between my GP and the shrink and the “recommendation” about me that I cannot see, but they wont talk to each other!  I took a couple of Valium and had a couple of cigarettes and just from talking to him, I slowly started to calm down.

I also admitted that the reason I had not rung him for a long time was due to my depression over the last couple of years and how I isolated myself from him, my brother, sister and some friends, as I think people have their own problems and dont need to hear mine.

I want to be able to ring him and tell him how good I feel for once.

My friends dont really know what is going on, as I dont like to tell them, because of embarassment and the stigma that comes with depression, anxiety etc.

You just dont know who will have stigma attached to these things if I tell them.

One of my staff last year said “people with depression are weak”.  He is only in his early twenties, but still there is that stigma.

The kind of stigma I worry about, so therefore, dont tell anyone.  I have hardly told bf much and hide my feelings, by crying in a different room etc., so he doesnt become aware.

Keeping it all bottled in is so lonely.  I feel so lonely, so often, even though bf and friends are there.

I woke up the next day (Thursday) and after remembering how the day before had ended with the contractors, I just could not face another day at work.

I just didnt have the strength.

my thoughts scare me

I had a bit of a sleep in this morning.

Logged into work remotely and worked until about 7.15pm.

I get so much done, because no one interrupts me and I dont get sidetracked chatting to people.

Working from home is great, but I would only want to do it once a week, just so I can get work done.

Earlier this evening, I was watching some of the newer 30 Seconds to Mars music videos, which I hadnt seen, because I hardly turn the TV on anymore.

30 Seconds to Mars music videos

I only just remembered maybe yesterday, that I record a music video show that is on Saturday mornings, and I havent watched it for weeks.

For some reason they make me cry.

jleto

We are going to see 30 Seconds to Mars at the end of March and I cant wait.

Last time they were here a couple of years ago, I was in a depression that I have had since 2010, and gave the tickets to one of bfs friends.

I love Jared Leto, he is sooo pretty.

More Jared Leto pics.

I found on the internet tonight that they are also doing a showing of their Artifact short movie at a cinema in Sydney and for $250, I can meet them along with many others Im sure, before the movie.

It is probably something only young people do and would probably be the only grown up there, but I really, really want to go.

bf would never pay it, but I really want to.  I am worried though, that I will cry in front of them, like some 12 year old.  How embarrassing.

All  I seem to do is cry these days.

I was sitting on the back stairs, wishing I didnt feel so crap (psychologically) and then making something to eat and thoughts of suicide kept creeping into my head.  The same suicide scenario that I always play in my mind.

Ive been feeling quite anxious as well.

Im finding it a bit scary.

bf is home, so Im out of here.  He doesnt know I have a blog or about these thoughts.

a bit messed up

I cant believe it’s been a week since I last posted.

This week has quickly disappeared.

And what a week it has been.

I haven’t even read anyone elses blogs this week.  Something I was going to try and catch up on.

I think the dizziness I was feeling last week has finally gone, which I am assuming is the dregs of the Pristiq leaving my system.

I hadn’t been crying as much in the week either.  I has gradually petered off.

That is, until today.

I didnt go to work on Monday.  I just couldnt face it.

Tuesday, Wednesday and today, I was able to work from home, thankfully.

My new Director approved this.  Im not sure what he must be thinking.

I rang my previous Director, who is still my department’s boss for our sector.  She has been a great boss through all this madness.

She told me that my new Director had a chat to her and advised that he had approved me taking Friday’s off for medical reasons.  He doesnt know what is going on, but has been quite good with it.

The Fridays off being for the PTSD programme.

I just hope when I go back and chat to him that I dont cry, because just thinking about it now makes me want to cry.

That could be because Im not having a particularly good day and have been crying quite a bit since this afternoon.

I will go back to work on Tuesday.

I think I need to get out of the house.

My thoughts are starting to scare me a bit.

Not a great start to 2014, but hopefully when the Allegron is settled in my system, I will go back to not feeling as much.

I just want to cry all the time.

I really hope its hurries up.  I dont know how much longer my strength will hold up, with all the emotions I am feeling and am not used to.

I really, really wish my Mum was still here to help me through this.  I dont have anyone anymore to just hold my hand or hug me through the hard times.

a little breakdown

I slept well again last night, but as usual was still tired when it was time to get up and get ready for work.

I was still feeling dizzy and finding it hard to focus, which was making me feel anxious, so had to take Valium again to even try to focus a little.

I found it really hard to focus and do anything.   I have so much to do.

When I was at home I was feeling dizzy and anxious and then all of a sudden I burst in to tears and couldnt stop.

The dizziness is making me feel really anxious and it is a bit disconcerting.

Fortunately the medical centre I have been going to is open until 9pm, so I rang and was able to go down there straight away.

I had another crying episode when I was with the GP and had to wait until I stopped to tell him why I was there.

He advised to not up my Allegron as planned tomorrow and give it another week before increasing the dosage.

He advised that my heart was racing and asked if I had any Valium I could take.  I do, so I took some when I got home, as I was bawling and quite anxious and couldnt stop.

I wont be able to go to work tomorrow.  I dont want to be bawling at work tomorrow.  People will think I have lost it.

The crying and anxiety has exhausted me somewhat, so an early night and rest tomorrow will hopefully help, so I can go to work on Thursday.

I bothers me quite a lot, that I have to take a day off work already and Ive only been back two days.

Bf was at fencing and was going to be there until about 10pm, so on my way back from the doctors (a short walk up the road), I rang him and asked him to come home.  I didnt want to be on my own feeling like this.

When he came home I burst into tears again.  He said you know everythings OK, which I know it is.  I told him the drugs are having this effect on me.

Even know Im having random moments where I want to cry, for no reason at all.

I hope the new drug Allegron kicks in soon and works its magic stuff.

Im pretty tired now from feeling all over the place, so should go to bed soon.

 

 

feelin’ so low

The last few days have been a tad bleak.

On Sunday night, I was fine.

When bf and I were in bed, he had just turned off his phone, which he had been reading something on, and closed his eyes.

I asked him a question and he gruffly replied he was trying to sleep.

That was the trigger.  That was all it took.

I laid awake for hours, initially wondering why he was with me still and if he liked me or what he liked about me.

I also brought some bad dating memories out of the archives, way back in the archives, that I had completely forgot about and stewed/stressed on them for hours.

I ended up crying for a while and then getting up and sitting on the back stairs for a cigarette for some more crying.

On Monday, I felt so low and Im sure tiredness did not help.

I had an appointment with the GP to have my stitches checked.  I had a skin check last week and all was fine.  I also had a growth on my stomach and had it removed and stitches were required.

The GP advised the growth just looked like overgrown scar tissue, but sent it away anyway to have it checked.

Whilst the GP was cleaning and redressing the stitches I started to quietly cry.  I put my sunnies on so she wouldnt notice.

When we were at her desk afterward, I started crying again and she asked what was up and I told her I was having a bad day and felt really depressed.

I reminded her that I was tapering of Pristiq and was on the lowest dosage of 50mg and was due to start Allegron on Monday night.

Whilst she was checking my stitches, she had the “office” girl ring Medicare to see if I had any visits on my Health Care Plan from last year left.

I did, so she was able to book me in with a Psychologist that afternoon in the same medical centre.

You can get 10 free visits a year (covered by Medicare) with a psychologist and more if recommended by the psychologist. I think they call it a Health Care Plan.  I found out about it from a previous GP.  It wasnt something I was aware was available.  Im not sure it is widely know by the general public.

I went and saw Kristina (the psychologist) later than afternoon and had another cry.  I was very depressed.

I gave her an overview from 2006 and will be going back to see her next week.  She seemed quite nice and said she wanted to help me feel better again.

It would be so nice to have motivation, energy and feel happy again.  I cant remember when I last was like this.

My memory is crap though.

Last night I asked bf to put his arm around me, as I wasnt feeling great and after he fell asleep, I had another little cry.

I tend to not cry around him, because it makes him feel uncomfortable and he doesnt know what to do.

As I was a bit quieter than usual, bf thought I was peeved at him, so therefore became peeved at me and hardly talked to me on Monday or Tuesday.

This always seems to happen when I am depressed.

This did not help.

pristiq

Im slowly saying goodbye to Pristiq.

Im down from 200mg to 50mg.  Five days of 50mg and then I add 25mg of Allegron for a week and then add 25mg each week until I hit 150mg.

So far so good.  I havent felt too bad.

I got a bit testy with bf for about five minutes.  I dont know if this was the reason or not.  He wasnt being unreasonable or being a “dick”.

I wont miss some of the side effects though.

My stomach has been like an unused cement mixer, that the cement has gone hard in.  So hopefully I wont have to take laxatives anymore.

I am always hot!  Im like a mobile heater, which caused a lot of sweating, so I had to use the “scientific” clinical protection to control my armpits from sweating, with a combination of the “No Sweat” concoction, which you had to make sure you wiped off in the morning.  Im not sure why, but I did just in case my armpits fell out!  Must be quite toxic, but it helped.

My “hotness” also caused me to be thirsty, ALL the time.  I felt like I had was in the desert and hadnt had a drink for days!

BUT, it did help with my anxiety and I have stopped having panic attacks.  What a relief!

It also stopped the constant black, black, suicidal thoughts.  How and when to do it was something I thought about a lot.  At least I didnt do it.

I love my kitties SO much, that the thought of leaving them without me (Mum) and not understanding where I had gone and them missing me, is the only thing that stopped me from actioning my black thoughts.

It hasnt fixed the depression and feeling nothing.  It’s like Im empty.

I get spikes of warmth with my kitties and the odd spike at something funny.  Not much makes me laugh.  A comment my bf made when I laughed at someones joke on New Years Eve.

Im dead on the inside.

So I guess I will see how Allegron goes, when I start taking it on Tuesday and see what gradually happens.

Fingers crossed!

Id so like to feel again (I think).  Maybe feeling nothing is easier.  It is rare for to cry and that I like.

The only things that make me cry are my kitties if they are sick, seeing animals on tele that are sick, hurting or they die.  Mums and children dying from cancer, probably because that is what happened with my Mum a few years ago.  And not much else.  Terrorism makes me sad, humans hurting other humans.