what to do

I have been interested in writing a book for quite a while, but have a foggy brain and no motivation.

Im trying to decide if I should enrol in an online writing course next year, but also wondering will I have the motivation to do it.

A psychologist I saw a few times this year believes I have PTSD from the two armed robberies I was in, in 2006.

Due to this I have made my world smaller by cutting out activities I used to do eg. fencing, going out, parties, and not leaving the house much, so as to feel safe.

Home is my safe place.  I wish I never had to leave it, EVER.

A result of doing this is making my mind bored and is partially the reason I am depressed.

She told me of a PTSD clinic at one of our universities and I have been on their waitlist for a few months.

I have my initial appointment in January to see if I meet the criteria to be able to do the program.

I have bought a couple of books online about writing.  Maybe if I can motivate myself to read those, maybe I can motivate myself to the do the online course.



motivation, or lack of…

I have been reading others posts when I get time.

I havent been posting much due to lack of motivation to do anything.

While bf is at work on Saturdays, I sleep and lay in bed all day.  He has no idea I do that.

I postponed fencing this week because I could just not be bothered to leave the house.

If I didnt have to work I would probably hardly leave the house at all.

But today I convinced myself to go to the solarium, walk up to the end of Enmore Rd and caught the bus from there instead of walking home, because it was really windy and there was a possibility of a storm.

When I got home I even went for a jog/run/walk on the treadmill and sweated my ass off!

Moments of motivation are very few and far between.  I wish there was a drug that could make me more motivated.

I really want to be more motivated.  There are things I would like to do, but I cannot not leave the house, let alone get out of bed or get off the couch if I make it that far.

I actually did a 5 day week last week.  That has not happened much this year.  It is such a struggle and I am exhausted by the end of the week.

I feel flat.  Bored with life, bored with the routine. Flaaaaaaaat.


the chat

Not being busy at work and the two contractors being so judgemental has been  bothering me a lot.

So I had a chat with my boss.

She has been working there a long time and Ive always got on well with her.

I did ask one of the few people I do trust, who is in her team downstairs, if she is a good person to talk to that wont talk to anyone else about our conversation and he said she is really good like that.

I told her that we really arent that busy and Im bored.  She knows what I used to be like.  Always busy, good with responsibility.  These are some of the things that make me tick.  I never minded going to work before when I had these things.

I did tell her the work had been given to the contractors rather than the permanent staff for quite some time now.  She doesnt understand this method and neither do we, as we are the ones who will be staying and need to retain the knowledge.  Not contractors who would take the knowledge with them.

She said she remembers and I told her I need these things to give me job satisfaction.

I told my other permanent team member (there are two of us) that I miss the days where it was just the two of us and we were busy and knew the environment well.  I never had days off and I had job satisfaction.  He agreed that he missed it too.

My boss said she thought there was something not quite right in our area and she was glad that I spoke to her because it made more sense now.

She mentioned getting rid of both of the contractors and said maybe start with one.  She was going to have a chat with her boss about it.

I woke up last night at 3.30am and upon awaking I was instantly racked with guilt at the thought of one of them not having their contract renewed because of me, even though we dont really need them.

I told her it wasnt personal, it wouldnt matter who was taking the work away from us and making us bored.  I just dont see the point of going to work if we dont have enough to do.  I hate being bored.  Im sure a lot of people would love to be able to go to work and do nothing, but not me.

My depression raised its ugly head again with a vengeance when all this started, but I only pinpointed it earlier this year, that this it really started to get worse.

I feel so unneeded, hopeless and useless.

Im nervous of the outcome.