another teary, sometimes angry day

I stayed in bed again until 2pm.  The only reason I got up is kitty kept bugging me, so I figured he wanted some milk and/or biccies.

One of the biscuit bowls did need replenishing and I gave him some milk.

I was very close to just crawling back into bed, but I made a cup of tea and stayed up.

I had a fencing 1 on 1 lesson with our English coach, who is going back to the UK next week.  A pity.  He is a lovely man and I havent been fencing the whole time he was here and he has been suggesting I come in and do a lesson with him, so he could see what level I should slot back into when I go back.

(I have gotten to know him reasonably well outside of the centre and will miss him and his wife.)

I stopped fencing in April last year, due to anxiety and my non existent confidence.

I was a bit teary since I got up this afternoon.  No reason why, I just was and hiding in bed in the dark is what I wanted to do.

As the time came closer today to go and do the lesson, I was holding back my tears and really angry at the same time, as I felt pressured to go in by bf.  He booked he lesson with me, Im sure with good intentions of getting me “back on that horse”. I was angry at him for making me feel pressured and at the time felt that he wanted me to go back mainly for him.

We did start fencing at the same time and it was something we could do together, which we didnt really have at the time we started.

We did the four courses together – Beginners, Novice, Intermediate and Advanced.  I was starting to struggle with my confidence and anxiety in the Intermediate course and really should not have been given the badge at the end of it, as much I what I was shown was erased very quickly, due to my anxiety.

I did the Advanced course and really struggled to get there to do the classes and would be surprised if I took in any of the course material at all.

When I got there, I was trying not to cry and was anxious.

He is a great coach and if things had been different, would have done more classes with him last year, if I was in a better place.

Bf has been coached to instruct classes and will be instructing classes on his own at the end of this month.

He has done really well and is quite good at it.  The difference being, he has more confidence than I do, although does doubt his abilities often.

I used to be able to beat him sometimes, way back when last year.  Maybe I will be able to do it, if I keep it up.

I left very shortly after the lesson.  I couldnt wait to get out of there. Said a quick goodbye and wave to bf on my way out, as he was busy in a lesson, I think.

Ive sent bf an SMS and tried to call him and had no reply.  I have a feeling Im in the bad books again. Hopefully, he is just busy.  Unlikely.

Ive been in the bad books all week, due to my quietness being taken as moodiness and being peeved at bf.  I havent been peeved at him until today, but that was due to my anxiety about going back to the fencing centre.  So then, he has been peeved at me all week.

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i feel so fat fat fat

Since this bout of depression started in 2010, I have gone from a nice size 10 to a not so nice size 13 in my jeans and not so nice medium sized tops.

I dont know if it is from the drugs, lack of exercise or food, OR a combination.

When the weather is warmer (now) I dont eat that much, but I still dont seem to get any lighter.

I feel so gross.  I really want to be a nice size 10 again.

I feel so unattractive.  Weight and the lovely bags I now have under my eyes, like my parents.  Not much I can do about them.

I feel so ugly.

I guess as I am older now as well, its not like anyone is going to look at me now anyway.

My days of boys looking at me are long gone.  I cant remember catching anyone looking at me for a long, long time.

Not that I am interested in finding another man, but it would be nice to feel like a nice size 10 and doing OK for my age.

I guess getting old and more unattractive is inevitable.

At least I met bf before I got fatter and uglier.

Im not sure why he stays sometimes.  He is nine years younger and we have been together nearly eight years., but I still think he is hot.

I would have thought he would have traded me in for a younger model by now.  I know he could get one and a much more attractive one at that!

I dont want to be so fat fat fat anymore 😦  I was used to being slim all my life until a few years ago.  It sucks 😦

BUT Im sure a lot of people out there have much more serious issues than my fatness.  I should be happy for what I have.

Why cant we be happy with what we have.  Im certainly better off than a lot of people…

still here

Hi All

 

Im still here.

I hope you have all had a good year and not had too many struggles.

Ive been in hibernation for quite a while.  My depression is still here.  I feel like Im flatlining.  Not many highs or lows, just flatline.

On some days I have off, I stay in bed until mid afternoon and dont get out of my pjs.  Just soooo tired.

I dont go out too much, I get to work most days, but its still a struggle to leave the house some days.  It can be so exhausting just to drag myself out of bed, get dressed and go to work or any events in general.  I have distanced myself from my family, just because it can be so hard to deal with, except my sister.  My sister struggles with depression and we are the only people we know who understand how we feel.  She knows she can tell me anything re how she is and I understand and dont judge.  We think Dad has distanced himself from us too, as we dont hear from him and when we do talk to him, he keeps it short and sweet.  Too hard, so we dont care too much these days.

My beautiful kitties are still beautiful and I love them more and more each day, if that is possible.  I love them more than anything else in the world!

Bf has had some grumpy moments this year, but is doing OK lately.

I wish I had not gone into hibernation from here, as it would be interesting to read back and see how I was feeling.  Im sure when I read back on my posts from the beginning it will be an interesting read.

I am going to try and blog more and read your blogs again.  I just wish I could kick my motivation into gear.  I have had no motivation at all this year.

I did get back into reading around September, I read one book and have read a book just about every week since.  I havent read books for the longest time.

So fingers crossed I can kick my motivation into gear!

xmas & new years

I guess I had a break from blogging as well as work over the Xmas/New Year break.

Work asked us all to have two weeks off and it was a much needed break for me.

bf was working through this period, except for the public holidays, so I got a lot of me & kitties time.

I didnt achieve much, if anything, but I think that was what I needed.

I slept a lot, watched movies and did things around the house.  I hardly ever left the house, unless we had something planned with friends.

Santa was good to us.  My new Kindle Fire is great and bf loves his new light sabre.  He is such a “man child” at heart.

bf ‘s grumpiness continued until we had a talk.  He told me the “little things” I did that annoyed him.  It took a bit of encouragement to get it out of him, but it was good to know, so I dont do them anymore and  make him grumpy.  They were only “little things”, but I get that “little things” can hit a nerve, so they were easy things to rectify.  If he never told me I would keep on doing them and annoy him more.

Since that chat, the old bf is back.  What a relief!  I hope it stays this way, because we generally never argue and get along quite well and make each other laugh with the silly things we do.

But the holidays came to an end 😦 and am now back at work.

todays the day

I set the alarm for 8am, got up and had some cereal and a tea.  I faffed about on my laptop for a bit and then heard bf get up.  I asked him what time he wanted to go and he said whenever you want.  Still grumpy.  I felt flat.

We left home about 9am and went to fencing.

The longer I was there and after a couple of people I knew turned up and we chatted, I started to feel better.

In the first pool, which seeded us.  bf was 2nd and I was 8th out of 18 people!  I couldnt believe it.

I didnt win the tournament and bf didnt either because he twisted his foot and couldnt complete his bout.

We stayed to watch until the end to see who won.  It was good to watch.

So yes, I was worried about nothing, but hey, that’s me.  I worry and am not used to competing, let along being in front of groups of people.

So alls well that ends well.

I wasnt very happy with the lack of support from bf.  But I should be that surprised.  He has a problem with grumpiness.

Later that day we met up with a group of friends for dinner.  We went to Beach Burrito (Mexican) in Newtown for dinner.  Some sangria, mexican beer and yummy Mexican food.

Mexican is not something I would eat often, but it was really good and filling.

They had some 1800 tequila (my favourite), but it was a school night, so I didnt.  AND it was $12.00 a shot!

12:09 frustrated

I had a flex day off.  Slept in til about 11:3oam.

Got up and had a yoghurt and watched stuff I had recoreded.

Had a couple of teas.

Went out to dinner at Tomodachi, picked up a few things at the supermarket.

We had a really good conversaton about fencing at dinner, which we are both enjoying.

At the supermarket he was telling me about something at work and I made the joke, “Has anyone told you, you talk to much”  ha ha

He cracked the shit and didnt talk for the rest of shopping and still now at home 3 hours later.

I wasnt serious.  Im rarely saracastic ever seriously.

He hasnt talked to me hardly since and says hes fine.  Yeah right.

When I got home I had a beer and then a small joint. I seem to do this when he gets shitty.  I feel like gettting wasted on recently weed and drink to I guess forget.

He is still not speaking to me.  I didnt mean it.

But still he is grumpy at me.

A couple more glasses of red wine and cigarettes. I only smoke when I drink and guess when I get evenly remotely stoned.

Im feeeling horny but he is cranky so will keep it to myself.

I felt like getting smashed, getting stoned and taking all my Valium.

BUT I dont have enough to OD.

So more cigarettes and wine.

I wish he could relax when I told him I was only joking.  And I never say mean things seriously, only joking ever. BUT he is still shittty.

F$*(*#

meditation

bf and I have done a meditation class last week and one this week.

The lady that does it is lovely and all calm sounding.

It seems from what she says she can see our auras etc.  All a bit hippy for me.

Im a skeptic and dont have faith in anything anymore.

BUT

She said we would sleep better and coincidentally we have been sleeping better.

I have been taking magnesium a while before bed, which usually helps me sleep.

We are going to keep going once a week, because it certainly cant hurt.

It is supposed to be good for depression, anxiety, sleeping , stress etc.  We definitely need some help with those.

Has anyone else that isnt maybe as big a skeptic as me, tried meditation or magnesium?  Did you find it beneficial?  Would you recommend it?