a small downward spiral

Tonight I am not feeling so great.

I had a reasonably good day today, even if my head was a little foggy.

I got a couple of annoying messages on my way home, which made me somewhat angry.

And have spiralled downward since and am feeling more depressed as the night goes on.

Thoughts of death have even managed to creep in a few times.

Since the 60 Day Challenge finished about 3 – 4 weeks ago, I have been good and have kept up the 2 – 3 classes a week of Extend Barre.

This week I skipped all three classes and have spent all my spare time at home.

I wonder if not exercising has contributed.

They say exercise is good for depression.

Maybe it is a combination of no exercise and the annoying phone call.

So maybe I should try really hard next week to do my classes.


I read my last post (evening out).

It made me feel sad that I have to feel that way.

I am also going back to fencing tomorrow.

I had to stop last April, as I was finding it increasingly difficult to fence.

I would get on the piste and I would be so anxious, my mind went blank.

Going back tomorrow has been on my mind over the last couple of weeks.

I am feeling anxious about it, but used to enjoy it, so should go back.

It will also make bf happy.

He is now instructing there 3 – 4 nights a week, so we havent had as much time to spend with each other.

I have not been sure and am still not sure that I can enjoy it again.

The idea of fencing someone, the competing nature of fencing, is daunting me.

Im not an overt person and do not like the idea of having to compete.  And competing against someone who takes it way too seriously.

And there are a few of them.

I just dont think it is in my nature.


ptsd week three

On Friday we were going to go through reliving the first robbery.

I thought I would be OK and would be able to just tell what happened.

I had to close my eyes and walk through what happened in the first person.

It wasnt as easy as I thought it would be.

Ive very good at blocking thoughts.

If the robbery ever entered my head, it always is at the start of the robbery when the two guys with balaclavas first came into the area where we were with the money.

I was always able to block it at that point and move my thoughts onto something else.

There was one point in the robbery that I had always managed to block out and havent thought about for a long time.

When we got to that part of the robbery, I became quite upset.

I have managed to block it. Have never talked about it to anyone and havent allowed myself to think about it myself, or admitted to myself how much that part of the ordeal scared me.

I dont know if I could ever admit to anyone, even bf or any of my family or even talk to anyone about this part of the robbery and why it scared me so much.

Afterward, I had to do a list of stretches with a heart rate monitor and they were noted down.

The psychologist advised that from going through reliving the ordeal, that it can cause flashbacks.

I didnt do too much today, just things around the house.

We went to a friends birthday dinner and for some reason did not feel like socialising too much.

I get the feeling that a couple of “friends” (a married couple) that were there tonight, dont like me very much.

When I think about how I am, I probably wouldnt like me either.

Im sure I come across in a way sometimes, due to my anxiety, is not very likeable.

I find that when I go out now, if it is quite noisy, I get quite anxious immediately, which makes me a bit a little bit sensitive and annoyed.

Whilst just sitting on the couch, I had one of those flashbacks of the part of the robbery that scared me the most, and it made me cry immediately, just out of the blue.

Im feeling quite depressed at the moment.  Quite numb.

On TV a young girl said “at least if your dead, the pain goes away”.  I agree, but have never heard it said out loud.  How accurate that statement is.

My homework is to do this at least twice this week.  Walk through the robbery out loud and afterwards do a list of stretches with a heart rate monitor on and save the heart rate readings into the heart rate monitor watch. I am not really looking forward to doing this, but it might help me in the long run and also help with their research.

Reliving the ordeal and then doing some stretches afterward is to help them somehow.  I cant remember exactly.

2014 challenges

I havent started any of the three challenges I was going to try and start this week.

The tapering off Pristiq to Allegron has been playing having with my emotions and making me very dizzy.

It kinda is just another excuse, I feel, but my motivation levels also are non existent.

The first two days work exhausted me.

I got up today when bf did, made us a coffee, watched a movie called Free Ride starring Anna Paquin.

free ride

I went back to bed an woke up about 2pm, because kitty was bothering me for something, so I got up and replenished his biccies.

I did find a couple of good cardio ideas on http://abiandjoseph.com, which is an Australian brand of exercise gear, I buy pants from, as they have a Size TALL.  They obviously realise not everyone is an average height.



Im off to the doctors to get my stitches out today.  It will be interesting to see what the end result looks like.  I havent looked at it since I had the growth cut out.  I was little scared to, so Id thought Id wait until it healed.

After that I am seeing the new psychologist for the second time.

At 7pm we go to our favourite hairdressers Pelo, which we have been going to for years.  The girls that run this place are great and hilarious.  All the other staff are great too, but the two girls have been there from the get go, as they own the place.

Hopefully I will be OK to go to work tomorrow.  I have had to hold back some tears a few times today. I guess time will tell.

I hope everyone out there is well.