Just an empty shell

Of a person


Nothing left inside

Just waiting for the end


tough times ahead

bf and I just seem to grow farther and farther apart.

He works six days a week and three nights a week training to be a fencing instructor.

I went back to fencing about 10 weeks ago.  This was not an easy feat.

I did it for him, because he wanted be to go back.  I also did it for me.  I once enjoyed fencing and due to confidence issues, I had to give it up.

I have no self esteem or confidence.

The first night I went back I was so anxious, I had to try not to cry.

Each week has got easier.  It helped that the guys in my classes were friendly and also showed difficulty in getting some of the things we were taught right.

None of us passed the Novice course.  Im not surprised that I didnt, as I had forgotten so much.  It had been eighteen months since I last fenced and the last couple of months back then were are blur, due to my anxiety.

Surprisingly it did not upset me that I hadnt passed.  I guess the fact that noone else, probably helped.

I have decided to start from scratch and start at the beginners course, as there were references to the Beginners course that I did not remember as it was over two years ago.

So, I will go in and start from scratch and maybe in time I will get back to where I was.

I have to admit I am glad that I went back.  It was a major feat for me.

There are also a lot of nice people in the Sabre Centre.

Getting back to bf.

He will be working days and four nights at fencing.  This  does not seem to bother him at all.

I dont think it has crossed his mind that it means we will see even less of each other and when I mentioned it to him, he got annoyed with me, even though I wasnt talking to him in an annoyed manner.

Tonight he only had to be in the centre for an hour, but stayed there anyway and didnt get home for another 2.5 hours.

Tomorrow night he is going in and then going to another fencers place for drinks.

He just doesnt seem to factor me into any of this at all.

Maybe I am being to needy.

I have, like a lot of individuals do, go into a relationship and lose their “self”, their individuality.

I am going to have to start to get back to being an individual and not saying no to plans, just because bf is busy.

It will be hard times and everyone else will have there own things that they do now. So, Im going to have to deal with some instances where everyone else is doing their own thing as they have done, since I slipped out of the social circle.

It is going to hard, seeing that I have no self esteem to start with.

I will have to try to focus on work, and stop having so many days off, due to my “mental” issues.

My drugs arent working, so I am going to have to change drugs again.  What fun that will be!

Last time I thought I was going to lose it, as I didnt know what to do with everything that I was feeling, that had been numbed from the previous drug I was on.

This is going to be a screamer of a roller coaster ride.  And trying to not have days off from work and keep the constants thoughts of wanting to be dead.

If it wasnt for my kitties, and worrying about who would look after them like I do and love them like they do, I wouldnt be here anymore.

Thoughts of wanting to be dead are regularly creeping into my mind.

I am too weak to actually follow through with it.

I have progressed from wanting to go to Kings Cross and asking one of the bikies for a gun or finding out how much they charge to kill someone (me), to stabbing myself in the head repeatedly with an ice pick (I dont think this would last long and would be way to painful), to hanging myself off our back stairs, to taking lots of valium and going for a swim in the ocean and falling asleep in the ocean and drowning.

I have heard that drowning is a peaceful way to die, after the initial loss of air and intake of water.

Maybe the world will all end at once and then I wouldnt have to miss my kitties and they wouldnt have to miss me.

It breaks my heart to think about them wondering where mummy is.

They are so precious.

I dont know if I have the strength for whats coming up.  Only one way will tell.

One of the hardest things is that I dont have anyone to talk to.  bf is emotionally unavailable.  I now know what that means literally.

I cant talk to friends, as Im afraid of the stigma attached and them thinking Im a complete crazy person, which I may be anyway.

i cant even remember the last time he hugged me, the last time we had a passionate kiss or a kiss other than a peck hello.

I miss hugs.

I feel so numb, so empty.

not too bad

My GP had gone on two months holiday and I was still having the odd panic attack.  At least two a week.

So I lowered my drugs by one pill (25mg).

About three weeks ago, I had a good day.

And then another.

And then another!

A small miracle has occurred.

The last three weeks I have been feeling mostly good, possibly even great at times.  Even maybe felt happy.

(Im attributing this to lowering my dosage and then the panic attacks stopped all together.)

Seven days in from my first good day, I had a day that I felt not so great.  My anxiety was making me feel like crap.

I had a late night the night before and a few drinks.  Not enough to be drunk, but more than the two I probably would have.

If I go to bed really late, I get to a point where I cant sleep and then my anxiety and panic kick in and I was only able to sleep 2 -3 hours in the very early morning.

So I lost the whole day.  I couldnt do anything or go anywhere.  All I could do was feel like crap.

I took a few valium throughout the day and couldnt sleep all day and found it quite difficult to sleep that night.

So I was very tired on Monday, but managed to go to work.

A major step forward for me, being able to go to work after a day of trying to control anxiety and panic.

I didnt feel great and didnt actually get a good night sleep until Tuesday night.

By that time I was exhausted.

Since then, I have been feeling pretty good.

I have had a few days over the last week, where at work, my head was foggy due to anxiety and I didnt get as much work done as I would like.

I think my anxiety increased due to some changes at work and my workload is increasing and will continue to stay at an increased level for a little while.

Today my head was foggy, so again did not get through as much as I wanted to.

Hopefully, on Sunday when I go in, it will be quiet, and hopefully I will achieve a lot more and it will make up for what I didnt get done this week.

So some good progress.

Im not quite there yet, but I feel more hopeful that I will get even better.

Im still always tired.  If I could not feel tired all the time, I would be at my optimum.

I guess anything is possible.




a roller coaster ride

Since my last post, I have been busy working, ptsd sessions, 60 Day Challenge x 3 per week.

The weeks have been a blur.

Its Monday again and then its Saturday and then its Monday again.

The not so new drug is still a roller coaster ride.

The doctor reduced the drug by 25mg, as I started to have regular panic attacks (which I havent had for ages) and after two weeks of several panic attacks, I couldnt bare the thought of having to deal with them again, and after two weeks was worn out and emotional.

The panic attacks did subside, but I was still getting wired after a few days and having at least one a week.

So, as my GP is on holidays for two months, I decided to reduce the dosage by 25mg.  That was just over a week ago and I havent had any panic attacks.

I didnt get to bed until 3am and couldnt sleep, so had to take a valium.  I slept for a couple of hours and then was wide awake, and because I couldnt get back to sleep, I started to get very anxious and couldnt seem to calm myself, so took another two valium as I could feel panic creeping in.

I know its all in the mind that gets me to the panic stage, but I havent quite mastered doing it without the valium when I get overtired.

I also know that if I go to bed too late, this is what happens.

We went out for Japanese and then met up with some friends to celebrate my birthday and another friends birthday, which were both last week.

Ive had the last week and a bit off, as there were three public holidays, so was able to have 10 days off and only use three days leave.

The week before we met my sister and my brothers house for his birthday and also got to know his family a bit more, as we havent seen them for a few years.

His little girls (my nieces) are so beautiful.  I envy what he has, but with my psychological issues, am glad we didnt have kids.  It would not be an ideal environment to bring up kids in.

So its back to work tomorrow and the busy schedule starts again.

Work, Extend Barre x 3 per week and Im going back to fencing next week.

I have noticed that when I was busy, I didnt get to think too much.

Over the last week and a half, that I have not been at work, Ive become more depressed and started isolating myself again.

Ive made an appointment with a psychiatrist, but it isnt until the June 6th, so I hope the roller coaster doesnt get too scary between now and then.

I also hope the psych can help me with getting my drugs right.

I hope youre all doing OK out there.  I havent been reading blogs either, due to the weeks being a blur and when I isolate myself I also disappear online.

So hopefully I read more blogs, when I get back into a routine, which Im hoping reduces my isolation.

I hope everyone had a great Easter.

evening out

The Allegron has started to even out.

The GP lowered the dosage, as it was making me stutter and I started having panic attacks again.

After a week or so after lowering the dosage, Im not stuttering as much and it is gradually going away.

The panic attacks lasted a couple of weeks and have stopped also, since lowering the dosage.

I, however, am not evening out.

I still am having reoccurring thoughts of death and different ways I could achieve death.

I have seen an episodes in a TV shows where someone has  shot themselves and killed themselves and another where they wanted to shoot themselves and had run out of bullets.

Both times I wished it could be me, so I dont have to deal with my depression, anxiety or panic attacks.

Or worry about if I cant go to work, that I will lose my job and then cant pay the rent and have nowhere for my kitties to live and have money to look after them.

I dont want to hurt anymore, I dont want to feel like I do anymore.

I wish I didnt have to be strong anymore and go to work, so I can look after my kitties.

I feel so alone.

My friends dont know what is going on and I wont tell them, because then they will talk to other friends and everyone will know, probably think I am crazy somehow.

I cant talk to bf.  He doesnt like talking about serious things and cant handle emotions being showed by either of us.

He would probably be better off, if he didnt have me.  He could find someone younger and will go out more  often to the pub to drink.

I think he would get over not having me around and move on.

Im surprised he havent traded me in for a younger model already.

I often wonder why he stays with me.

He isnt all bad, he has many other good traits that not enough people have. eg. honest, trustworthy.  And he loves my kitties.

I dont want to have to be strong anymore.

Im tired.

So tired.

But I dont know if I am even brave enough to finish the job.

So Im stuck in limbo.

Kitty is sick, but hopefully increasing the dose of his tablets, will keep him well.

If I lose kitty or I am involved in another crime, I know I wont get back up again.

I dont want to keep going now.  Life is so draining.

It would just be easier and less draining if it could end.

I wish I didnt have to go on. Or go to work tomorrow.

But if I stop and I lose kitty, I will die inside first.

chill time

I didnt get much home “chill time”, which I get a bit stir crazy, if I dont get any.

Today at work, I found the anxiety fog was making it hard for me to focus on work.

When I got on the bus to come home, I starting feeling waves of anxiety.

I rang bf to try and distract myself.

It was not a fun bus ride home.

I thought if I had a nap when I came home, I would be able to do an Xtend Barre class.

But no, I still feel like crap.

I hope the panic attacks dont decide to reside in my head too long.

They are very draining and interrupt life and bring on depression.


panic alert

Last night I had a really strong panic attack.

I was half asleep.

All I remember is knowing bf was going to turn off the hallway light and realising that was what he was going to do.

I felt panic and tried to turn on the bedside lamp before he turned the hallway light off.

I missed by seconds and the panic attack hit hard.

I always find when I have a panic attack I tend to end up kneeling on the floor with my hands on the floor.

It has been a long time since I have had a panic attack like this.

I was so scared.  Panic = scary

Part of the  sensation a panic attack brings on always reminds me of some of the sensations I used to feel when I had seizures, when I was younger.

I cant seem to separate the two.

Even though the many panic attacks I have had over the years, Ive never had a seizure, I still cant seem to separate the two.

I havent had a seizure since my early twenties.  They started around 16 y.o. and stopped in my mid twenties.

The doctors couldnt find out why they started, so I just had to live with it and take medication for it.

I hadnt had a panic attack for years until about a month ago.

After one session in the PTSD programme a few weeks ago, I had the first panic attack I had in years.

I was walking past a building where quite a few people were coming out of.

I couldnt go down the stairs because the panic attack took over and I had to go somewhere where there were no people.  Luckily that was just on the other side of the top of the stairs.  It was also the first time I had gone by myself, as the last couple of times bf went as well, before he was told he didnt fit the criteria of the PTSD programme.

The next week the same thing happened, in exactly the same place.  This time the panic attack was stronger and I had to take a couple of valium and ring bf to help me through it.

Bf was just getting into bed last night when it happened and I dont think bf has actually witnessed me having one before.

By the time I was able to get off the floor, bf was almost asleep.

I laid in bed crying, knowing that my days of panic attacks are still not over.

Panic attacks exhaust me and tend to bring on depression afterwards.

I thought my days of panic attacks were over, but clearly not.

Will it ever end?