a bit messed up

I cant believe it’s been a week since I last posted.

This week has quickly disappeared.

And what a week it has been.

I haven’t even read anyone elses blogs this week.  Something I was going to try and catch up on.

I think the dizziness I was feeling last week has finally gone, which I am assuming is the dregs of the Pristiq leaving my system.

I hadn’t been crying as much in the week either.  I has gradually petered off.

That is, until today.

I didnt go to work on Monday.  I just couldnt face it.

Tuesday, Wednesday and today, I was able to work from home, thankfully.

My new Director approved this.  Im not sure what he must be thinking.

I rang my previous Director, who is still my department’s boss for our sector.  She has been a great boss through all this madness.

She told me that my new Director had a chat to her and advised that he had approved me taking Friday’s off for medical reasons.  He doesnt know what is going on, but has been quite good with it.

The Fridays off being for the PTSD programme.

I just hope when I go back and chat to him that I dont cry, because just thinking about it now makes me want to cry.

That could be because Im not having a particularly good day and have been crying quite a bit since this afternoon.

I will go back to work on Tuesday.

I think I need to get out of the house.

My thoughts are starting to scare me a bit.

Not a great start to 2014, but hopefully when the Allegron is settled in my system, I will go back to not feeling as much.

I just want to cry all the time.

I really hope its hurries up.  I dont know how much longer my strength will hold up, with all the emotions I am feeling and am not used to.

I really, really wish my Mum was still here to help me through this.  I dont have anyone anymore to just hold my hand or hug me through the hard times.

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more crying

I am still a bit teary.  It doesnt take much to set it off.  I havent cried yet today though.

Yesterday, I went to get my stitches out and started crying again when seeing the GP.  Just remembering this makes me want to cry again.

It just keeps coming.

I cant wait for the drugs to smooth out inside me.

It looks like the GP did a good job with removing the growth on my stomach.  The results came back as normal.  It was “some big word” and she advised it was good we removed it now.

The scar is quite fine and she said it would disappear in time.  All good.

After the GP, I went upstairs for my appointment with the psychologist and cried through most of that.

It seems to be my thing at the moment.

I know it will get better as the drugs even out.

I have had to have another day off work.  I cant exactly go to work and start crying all over the place.

I had already organised to have tomorrow off to go to the PTSD clinic, so dont have to go to work until Saturday.

Ive SMSed one of my people to see if they can swap next Saturday for this Saturday.  Fingers crossed.

Im hoping I will be better by some time on the weekend.  I want to try an xtend barre class, so I can see if I like it.

If I do I want to do the 60 Day Challenge, which starts on February 10.

I did ballet when I was at school and still love to watch it and listen to Swan Lake etc.

Xtend Barre is a mixture of ballet barre exercises and pilates.

 

2014 challenges

I havent started any of the three challenges I was going to try and start this week.

The tapering off Pristiq to Allegron has been playing having with my emotions and making me very dizzy.

It kinda is just another excuse, I feel, but my motivation levels also are non existent.

The first two days work exhausted me.

I got up today when bf did, made us a coffee, watched a movie called Free Ride starring Anna Paquin.

free ride

I went back to bed an woke up about 2pm, because kitty was bothering me for something, so I got up and replenished his biccies.

I did find a couple of good cardio ideas on http://abiandjoseph.com, which is an Australian brand of exercise gear, I buy pants from, as they have a Size TALL.  They obviously realise not everyone is an average height.

http://abiandjoseph.com/blog/workout-on-the-go/

http://abiandjoseph.com/blog/cardio-20/

Im off to the doctors to get my stitches out today.  It will be interesting to see what the end result looks like.  I havent looked at it since I had the growth cut out.  I was little scared to, so Id thought Id wait until it healed.

After that I am seeing the new psychologist for the second time.

At 7pm we go to our favourite hairdressers Pelo, which we have been going to for years.  The girls that run this place are great and hilarious.  All the other staff are great too, but the two girls have been there from the get go, as they own the place.

Hopefully I will be OK to go to work tomorrow.  I have had to hold back some tears a few times today. I guess time will tell.

I hope everyone out there is well.

feelin’ so low

The last few days have been a tad bleak.

On Sunday night, I was fine.

When bf and I were in bed, he had just turned off his phone, which he had been reading something on, and closed his eyes.

I asked him a question and he gruffly replied he was trying to sleep.

That was the trigger.  That was all it took.

I laid awake for hours, initially wondering why he was with me still and if he liked me or what he liked about me.

I also brought some bad dating memories out of the archives, way back in the archives, that I had completely forgot about and stewed/stressed on them for hours.

I ended up crying for a while and then getting up and sitting on the back stairs for a cigarette for some more crying.

On Monday, I felt so low and Im sure tiredness did not help.

I had an appointment with the GP to have my stitches checked.  I had a skin check last week and all was fine.  I also had a growth on my stomach and had it removed and stitches were required.

The GP advised the growth just looked like overgrown scar tissue, but sent it away anyway to have it checked.

Whilst the GP was cleaning and redressing the stitches I started to quietly cry.  I put my sunnies on so she wouldnt notice.

When we were at her desk afterward, I started crying again and she asked what was up and I told her I was having a bad day and felt really depressed.

I reminded her that I was tapering of Pristiq and was on the lowest dosage of 50mg and was due to start Allegron on Monday night.

Whilst she was checking my stitches, she had the “office” girl ring Medicare to see if I had any visits on my Health Care Plan from last year left.

I did, so she was able to book me in with a Psychologist that afternoon in the same medical centre.

You can get 10 free visits a year (covered by Medicare) with a psychologist and more if recommended by the psychologist. I think they call it a Health Care Plan.  I found out about it from a previous GP.  It wasnt something I was aware was available.  Im not sure it is widely know by the general public.

I went and saw Kristina (the psychologist) later than afternoon and had another cry.  I was very depressed.

I gave her an overview from 2006 and will be going back to see her next week.  She seemed quite nice and said she wanted to help me feel better again.

It would be so nice to have motivation, energy and feel happy again.  I cant remember when I last was like this.

My memory is crap though.

Last night I asked bf to put his arm around me, as I wasnt feeling great and after he fell asleep, I had another little cry.

I tend to not cry around him, because it makes him feel uncomfortable and he doesnt know what to do.

As I was a bit quieter than usual, bf thought I was peeved at him, so therefore became peeved at me and hardly talked to me on Monday or Tuesday.

This always seems to happen when I am depressed.

This did not help.

pristiq

Im slowly saying goodbye to Pristiq.

Im down from 200mg to 50mg.  Five days of 50mg and then I add 25mg of Allegron for a week and then add 25mg each week until I hit 150mg.

So far so good.  I havent felt too bad.

I got a bit testy with bf for about five minutes.  I dont know if this was the reason or not.  He wasnt being unreasonable or being a “dick”.

I wont miss some of the side effects though.

My stomach has been like an unused cement mixer, that the cement has gone hard in.  So hopefully I wont have to take laxatives anymore.

I am always hot!  Im like a mobile heater, which caused a lot of sweating, so I had to use the “scientific” clinical protection to control my armpits from sweating, with a combination of the “No Sweat” concoction, which you had to make sure you wiped off in the morning.  Im not sure why, but I did just in case my armpits fell out!  Must be quite toxic, but it helped.

My “hotness” also caused me to be thirsty, ALL the time.  I felt like I had was in the desert and hadnt had a drink for days!

BUT, it did help with my anxiety and I have stopped having panic attacks.  What a relief!

It also stopped the constant black, black, suicidal thoughts.  How and when to do it was something I thought about a lot.  At least I didnt do it.

I love my kitties SO much, that the thought of leaving them without me (Mum) and not understanding where I had gone and them missing me, is the only thing that stopped me from actioning my black thoughts.

It hasnt fixed the depression and feeling nothing.  It’s like Im empty.

I get spikes of warmth with my kitties and the odd spike at something funny.  Not much makes me laugh.  A comment my bf made when I laughed at someones joke on New Years Eve.

Im dead on the inside.

So I guess I will see how Allegron goes, when I start taking it on Tuesday and see what gradually happens.

Fingers crossed!

Id so like to feel again (I think).  Maybe feeling nothing is easier.  It is rare for to cry and that I like.

The only things that make me cry are my kitties if they are sick, seeing animals on tele that are sick, hurting or they die.  Mums and children dying from cancer, probably because that is what happened with my Mum a few years ago.  And not much else.  Terrorism makes me sad, humans hurting other humans.

 

Xmas Leave Sleep

I started my leave on Wednesday the week before Xmas, and have spent most of that time asleep.

Im so drained.  I drag myself out of bed anywhere after 11.30am and 2.30pm, and even if it is mid afternoon it is still sooo hard.

bf has no idea what I am doing, as he is at work.

I sleep more than the cats some days and they try and get me out of bed, with a cute paw on the face or a not so cute walk across my stomach.

I just cant seem to get enough sleep.

I want to feel energetic and motivated like I used to be.

I know too much sleep can make you tired, but whether I have a few hours, eight hours or twelve hours it doesnt seem to make any difference.

I hope the new drug Allegron help.

Zzzzzzz….

Black Dog Institute – Part 2

I went back to the Black Dog Institute (BDI), as clearly Pristiq is only partially working for me.

It got rid of the “black thoughts” of death and suicide, which were constant.  I only very occasionally have them now, but would never do it, as I wouldnt want to leave my kitties. They wouldnt understand where Mummy was, and I can tell them love me dearly and I love them dearly.

It also kicked Anxiety’s ass out of my life too.  No more panic attacks and only mild anxiety in certain, random situations.

A saw a psychologist a few times and they suggested going back to BDI and she also advised that I was still suffering from PTSD, caused by the two armed robberies in 2006.  She suggested I sign up for a course held by UNSW uni, who do a PTSD clinic course.

I have an initial appointment with them in January, 2014 to see if I meet the criteria for their course.  I also suggested Bf do this too and he is seeing them in January as well, to see if he meets the criteria.

BDI psychiatrist suggested I change my medication to Allegron.  I really hope this makes my mood happier and more positive and it kicks my motivation back in.

The fun will begin this week, when I taper off my current medication and into the new.  Here’s hoping I can say good bye to depression, at least for a while.  I really need a break.