its been a week with one step backward

since I last posted.  I didnt realise until I had a look.

Not much has been happening really.

I took a step backwards again this week.

After the hairdressers on Wednesday, we met up with a friend for our ritual dinner at Pastizzi Cafe after the hairdressers.  We dont usually drink when we go there because it is a school night.  Our friend brought wine and after dinner we went to Bench, which is a small bar and had a glass of wine.  I, by this time was a little merry.

When we got home I had some more wine and hit that point where I want to get wasted, so had some weed as well.

I was in bed by about 11pm.  The next day I was twitchy and anxious.  I didnt have a hangover, but felt like crap.  I was feeling very low and weepy.  This resulted in two days off work 😦

Im feeling OK today.  Clearly, I need to avoid alcohol during the week and when I do drink on the weekends, need to be very careful.

bf and I have decided that mixing weed with my medication is not a good idea anymore.

I dont feel good about missing work.  Ive been doing OK with no days off work lately and been feeling a bit better than usual.

I wish I knew what has changed from being the person who never gets drunk to the person who wants to get wasted.  I dont like it.

A quiet weekend for us this weekend.

We are going to a turkish place for brekky tomorrow for something knew to try and then fencing later, due to missing it on Thursday.

And then it will be Monday and back to work.

And that is life…

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friday night cocktail

We went out to Japanese and had a yummy dinner and three 300ml servings of sake.

I was feeling quite relaxed from the sake by this stage.  We went home and I had obviously passed that point where I want to drink more and get wasted.

So I suggested we go to a club where bf used to work, because I thought he might say yes.  I kind of wish now that he had said no, because there were poker machines there.

He suggested we finish of the half joint he had left over from last night, so we did.

On the way from the car to the club I took a couple of valiums.  Not that I needed them.

We only had a couple of drinks and stayed for around an hour because I didnt have much money with me and know I have no money on me.  My savings are in an account that I threw the attached card to it away, so on nights like this I dont touch it.

When we got home we had a couple of vodkas and cranberry and I took a sleeping pill.  Not that I would have needed it.

I have never done this kind of thing before.  Mixing alcohol, weed and prescription drugs, just because I want to get wasted.

Not a good sign.

I dont know where the need to get drunk/wasted came from, seeing I was always the one that everyone used to say never got drunk.  And I didnt.

It has only started in the last 2 – 4 years.

I used to always save my valium, so when I really needed it, I had some.

My regular GP, who I have been seeing for about 10 years give me valium, but I only usually get maybe two prescriptions a year these days.  The GP at the medical centre wont give me Valium.  From what I can gather it is not a drug given out easily here, so I dont want to lose the privilege of being able to get it from my GP.

I have been given a Health Care Pack (I think that is what it is called) that gives me 10 cheaper ($120) sessions with a therapist.

Maybe it is time to make that appointment.

12:09 frustrated

I had a flex day off.  Slept in til about 11:3oam.

Got up and had a yoghurt and watched stuff I had recoreded.

Had a couple of teas.

Went out to dinner at Tomodachi, picked up a few things at the supermarket.

We had a really good conversaton about fencing at dinner, which we are both enjoying.

At the supermarket he was telling me about something at work and I made the joke, “Has anyone told you, you talk to much”  ha ha

He cracked the shit and didnt talk for the rest of shopping and still now at home 3 hours later.

I wasnt serious.  Im rarely saracastic ever seriously.

He hasnt talked to me hardly since and says hes fine.  Yeah right.

When I got home I had a beer and then a small joint. I seem to do this when he gets shitty.  I feel like gettting wasted on recently weed and drink to I guess forget.

He is still not speaking to me.  I didnt mean it.

But still he is grumpy at me.

A couple more glasses of red wine and cigarettes. I only smoke when I drink and guess when I get evenly remotely stoned.

Im feeeling horny but he is cranky so will keep it to myself.

I felt like getting smashed, getting stoned and taking all my Valium.

BUT I dont have enough to OD.

So more cigarettes and wine.

I wish he could relax when I told him I was only joking.  And I never say mean things seriously, only joking ever. BUT he is still shittty.

F$*(*#

2:00am

Here I sit at 2am.bf, me and friend went out for lebanese for dinner.

We had dinner with some wine.  Dinner was yummy, especially the turkish delight.

Went to a bar afterward and had a couple of beers.

Then we went home and I had a couple of herbal rosehip teas with some vodka.

A blogger friend was not having a good day and I offered some help via my email address as I know we are in the same city and I dont like to think a blogger friend is need of some help with nowhere to go.

It made me realise that compared to some to some other blogger friends I have not been through as much as they have.

When I am in between straight and a few drinks I am me  but am more relaxed and can say what I am feeling.

I have no memory before about 16 years old and dont want to know why.

But would like to help if I can.

I thought about getting smashed tonight but didnt, mainly because my bf had to work tomorrow.

Here I am sitting hoping my blog friend is ok and trying to help them wake their friend, as I can only think that if I was the sleeping friend I would want one of my friends to wake me to help them.

One of my blog friends is also trying to be supportive, and one day I hope I meet them because they sound like a nice person and very caring.

Why must life be so hard for some.  It doesnt seem right.

I wish I could help.

 

last night

We went out for Lebanese and had some wine.

Then we bought some more and had that a home, which is why I got drunk.

I got stoned again for the second time in over a decade.

I messaged my sister after 1am, thankfully she was still awake, so she rang me and we spoke for ages and I waffled on.

I talk a lot when Im drunk.

At least Im a happy drunk.

And when I woke up this morning.  Lunch time actually.  I noticed that I had taken a sleeping tablet, which clearly was not necessary.

After alcohol and a joint, I would have slept fine.

No more alcohol or weed for me.

alcohol & the other me

For years, well over a decade, I was always the one that never got drunk.

Friends used to comment on the fact they never see me drunk.

BUT things have changed.  I dont know why.  I dont know what has changed.

I dont drink everyday and some weeks when we dont go out, I dont drink at all.  I can go for 2 -3 weeks without a drink, and we dont drink at home.  We dont try to not drink at home.  It’s just something that Ive never really felt the need to do.

So much so, any bottles of alcohol (spirits) I have, I am giving to a friend because they just sit in the cupboard.  These were generally given to me as a gift.

Something has changed in me and Im not sure what has triggered it. Maybe it was the two armed robberies I was in,  in 2006. It was after them that I started to gamble and it got a bit out of hand for a while, but generally have it under control now and dont often feel the need, only when I drink is when I even think about it.  When I dont drink, I dont even think about gambling.

Maybe it was a combination of things that happened in that twelve months.  It was a particularly bad twelve months.

Two armed robberies, my Mum passed away and I was harassed at work by two nasty girls for a few months at work, not long after my Mum passed away.

For the last few years, Im not sure exactly when it started.  When I drink now  I generally always get drunk and just dont want to stop.

And this is when the “me” that I dont like comes out.  The next day I generally dont like myself too much and dont feel great, for obvious reasons.  I usually feel anxious and/or depressed the next day as well.

It has to stop.  I think I need to just stop drinking completely.  I dont really need to drink.  My bf doesnt think I need to give it up, but I just cant stop myself when I do.  I dont think he gets that. Im not sure if I have told him that I just cant seem to stop.   I have told him that is the only time I gamble, if I do, and he hates when I gamble.  When it was getting out of hand, it nearly led  us to break up.

He gave me an ultimatum.  We made an agreement if I didnt gamble, he would work on his bad moods.

It worked well for quite a while.  His moods have started to come back in the last couple of months and that is when I gambled a few times with alcohol of course.

A thought hit me after the last time, and I did mention to him that I noticed that since his moods started coming back is when I gambled on three occasions.  When before this, it hadnt really crossed my mind.

Who knows???