suicidal poetries

a collection of dark thoughts in poem.



twist my words

Since my work merged with other deparments (one of them being a ver toxic department), work is no longer a nice place to be.

Not many of my colleagues ended up with a job and there are only maybe a dozen of us left.

At least once a fortnight I hear something negative about me from someone.  Generally about a conversation I have had and what I have said has been completely innocent, has been twisted into something negative and told to other staff and management.

My name is now mud.

I am very careful of what I say and try to keep it work related and still this happens.

Ive been with my department for nearly 13 years and have liked working there, but now it looks like I will have to find another job and quickly, as I cant use current management as referees.  I can only use my previous management for references, as they have a good opinion of me.

We had a new Director start just before Christmas and he has already been told I dont want to work on other departments work.  We do not have enough staff to generally transfer knowledge to one another and noone has offered to teach me.

Just last week, as I wasnt very busy I offered my help to a staff member who was before from one of the other departments and said I can help with any of his work regardless of which departments systems it was for.  But noone hears about that and when someone relayed my conversation to someone in my team, the words where twisted somehow and that person gave me the cold shoulder the next day.

It is really getting me down and just wish I didnt have to deal with humans anymore, as so many of them dont care about anyone but themselves.

I feel so helpless and defeated.  I just cant do anything right in their eyes.  I dont know who it is that is twisting my words and spreading negative things about me and my work.

I used to be the “go to” person to get things done and have always offered help.

And now I am noone and the new management think I am incapable.

I wish I didnt have to live this life anymore.

but I must look after kitty

some goals for this year

I was watching a YouTube video that suggested making some goals for the year.

I can only try.

  • Find a new job.
  • Go  back to sabre fencing.
  • Exercise.
  • Lose weight.
  • No gambling.
  • Try to be more sociable (rather than staying home all the time).
  • More positive thoughts.
  • Less shopping online (I really dont need any more stuff).
  • Do the Good Reads challenge and read some books. (I wish I could read one a week = 52).
  • More decluttering around the house (maybe one item day).
  • Study some languages.


  • Most importantly find the motivation to do at least some of these.

2018 so far

I know this year is going to start out rough.

Going back to work next week is going to be extremely difficult, knowing my boss just loves to pick at me.

Trying to find another job when Im not feeling confident at all about myself, will make interviews hard to endure.

Interviews make me nervous anyway, but not being in the right frame of mind will make them even more nerve racking.

Last night I went out and gambled and now my bf is not talking to me and I will probably get the silent treatment for a while.

Silent treatment is hard to endure.  I know it’s my own fault, but when I am pissed off with my bf, I get over it very quickly.

Im half expecting the “splitting up” talk from bf, as it is what he usually does when he gets like this.  I dont blame him for wanting to leave, but threatening it whenever things arent rosy, I dont think is fair.

Home life being not so great and work life also being the way it is, is bringing back the feeling I know oh so well.


I dont know where I am going to find the strength.

Im only still here because of my furry kids.  I only have one left and the thought of leaving him without his Mum makes me sad.  He wouldnt understand where I had gone.

I love him so dearly.

I am feeling pretty low right now.

2017 was a hard year

From the get go when I went back to work at the end of January the restructure at work dragged on all year.  It was very stressful for myself and to watch my colleagues go through the torture of unsuccessful applications and interviews.  For a lot of us, we had been acting at higher grades than our substantive roles (EOIs)  for a number of years and doing them well in our previous managements eyes,  but still were not deemed capable by our new management, so did either not get a role or managed to obtain a role at a lower grade.

Some of my colleagues are still going through this even now.

The restructure was not fair and was managed really poorly.

I ended up with a role at a lower grade.  A role that is mind numbing.  Spreadsheets, word documents etc.  I may as well be a secretary again, like I was 20 years ago.

I work in IT and there are now no women in any of the technical roles.  It is now such a “boys club”.

It’s kicked my self confidence to the kerb, which is making it hard to find a new job, as I feel so low.

I need to find a new job soon.  The role I am in will de-skill me if I dont.

My new boss loves to make my life a misery.

I got stuck in a rut during this time gambling.  Not to the point of losing anything or not being able to pay our bills, but I have wasted my savings.

Something I need to stop ASAP.  It’s a waste of money and doesnt really do me any good.