still here

I was suprised that my last blog was in July.  I thought was much earlier this year.

Im still truding through what is called “life”;

I still feel like Im on a continuous “flatline”.  I dont feel much at all.

The only enjoyment I have is my kitties.  Neo (my little black shadow) is always near.  He is the only being that makes me feel something.  Morpheus does as well, but we dont have the bond that Neo and I do.

I still like the idea of taking a lot Valium and then going for a swim, falling asleep and slowing drowning and drifting away.  It seems so peaceful.

The drugs dont do much other than help me sleep, which is a blessing.  Being able to sleep makes it easier.

I am doing better than I was earlier this year.  I have taken hardly any days off work in the last month and a half, which is a miracle.

I am completely worn out by the end of the week and look forward to my Friday afternoon nap.

I havent been napping as much either and have been finding it difficult to get back to sleep after bfs alarm goes off on my days off.

I am constantly tired.

Today is my last day of work for three weeks, except for one Sunday in two weeks.

I need a rest.

I am worried that having so much time to myself could ignite thoughts in my mind, that could make me feel even flatter than I do now.  If that is possible.

I dont see a lot of bf with him Saturday and also fencing three nights a week, sometimes four.

I dont say anything anymore, so he doesnt chuck another tanty and says he is going to give fencing up!  As if that is what I want.  Drama, drama, drama! He is such a drama queen sometimes.  I would never ask him to give up fencing, when I know how much he likes it.

It started getting warmer in early November.  I was actually brave enough to go to the beach by myself.

I havent been in the sun for at least a couple of years because the drugs I was on made me so hot, that I had to avoid anything that made me even the teensiest bit warm.  I was able to wear a singlet outside in winter.

It was so great being able to go back to the beach and to be brave enough to go on my own.

bf tried to use it against me,  saying you can go to the beach, but not with me (he was at work).  I told him that he shouldnt try to take it away from me, because he knows I dont like going out by myself and hardly leave the house as it is.  I couldnt believe he tried to use it against me!  when Ive been going through so much.  How fn selfish!  It makes me mad just thinking about it!  He hasnt brought it up again.

I tried to get a few of the girls to catch up, but they are always busy, so Ive given up.

Im going to be a lonely old woman.

I feel so alone.

But am still here for now and with my kitties, Im guessing I will be here for a bit longer.

 

tough times ahead

bf and I just seem to grow farther and farther apart.

He works six days a week and three nights a week training to be a fencing instructor.

I went back to fencing about 10 weeks ago.  This was not an easy feat.

I did it for him, because he wanted be to go back.  I also did it for me.  I once enjoyed fencing and due to confidence issues, I had to give it up.

I have no self esteem or confidence.

The first night I went back I was so anxious, I had to try not to cry.

Each week has got easier.  It helped that the guys in my classes were friendly and also showed difficulty in getting some of the things we were taught right.

None of us passed the Novice course.  Im not surprised that I didnt, as I had forgotten so much.  It had been eighteen months since I last fenced and the last couple of months back then were are blur, due to my anxiety.

Surprisingly it did not upset me that I hadnt passed.  I guess the fact that noone else, probably helped.

I have decided to start from scratch and start at the beginners course, as there were references to the Beginners course that I did not remember as it was over two years ago.

So, I will go in and start from scratch and maybe in time I will get back to where I was.

I have to admit I am glad that I went back.  It was a major feat for me.

There are also a lot of nice people in the Sabre Centre.

Getting back to bf.

He will be working days and four nights at fencing.  This  does not seem to bother him at all.

I dont think it has crossed his mind that it means we will see even less of each other and when I mentioned it to him, he got annoyed with me, even though I wasnt talking to him in an annoyed manner.

Tonight he only had to be in the centre for an hour, but stayed there anyway and didnt get home for another 2.5 hours.

Tomorrow night he is going in and then going to another fencers place for drinks.

He just doesnt seem to factor me into any of this at all.

Maybe I am being to needy.

I have, like a lot of individuals do, go into a relationship and lose their “self”, their individuality.

I am going to have to start to get back to being an individual and not saying no to plans, just because bf is busy.

It will be hard times and everyone else will have there own things that they do now. So, Im going to have to deal with some instances where everyone else is doing their own thing as they have done, since I slipped out of the social circle.

It is going to hard, seeing that I have no self esteem to start with.

I will have to try to focus on work, and stop having so many days off, due to my “mental” issues.

My drugs arent working, so I am going to have to change drugs again.  What fun that will be!

Last time I thought I was going to lose it, as I didnt know what to do with everything that I was feeling, that had been numbed from the previous drug I was on.

This is going to be a screamer of a roller coaster ride.  And trying to not have days off from work and keep the constants thoughts of wanting to be dead.

If it wasnt for my kitties, and worrying about who would look after them like I do and love them like they do, I wouldnt be here anymore.

Thoughts of wanting to be dead are regularly creeping into my mind.

I am too weak to actually follow through with it.

I have progressed from wanting to go to Kings Cross and asking one of the bikies for a gun or finding out how much they charge to kill someone (me), to stabbing myself in the head repeatedly with an ice pick (I dont think this would last long and would be way to painful), to hanging myself off our back stairs, to taking lots of valium and going for a swim in the ocean and falling asleep in the ocean and drowning.

I have heard that drowning is a peaceful way to die, after the initial loss of air and intake of water.

Maybe the world will all end at once and then I wouldnt have to miss my kitties and they wouldnt have to miss me.

It breaks my heart to think about them wondering where mummy is.

They are so precious.

I dont know if I have the strength for whats coming up.  Only one way will tell.

One of the hardest things is that I dont have anyone to talk to.  bf is emotionally unavailable.  I now know what that means literally.

I cant talk to friends, as Im afraid of the stigma attached and them thinking Im a complete crazy person, which I may be anyway.

i cant even remember the last time he hugged me, the last time we had a passionate kiss or a kiss other than a peck hello.

I miss hugs.

I feel so numb, so empty.

on this roller coaster called life

Up and down, up and down… I will feel ok for a day, maybe two, three and four and then, smack down hard on the bottom again I feel so numb, I can feel the numbness in my face and the deadness inside. I just want to curl up in our dark bedroom and escape. Ive been watching a TV series call Orange Is The New Black.  In one episode Piper gets one of the girls to do her hair and mention how good it feels to be touched by someone, as in prison there is none of that. I cant talk to bf because he doesnt like serious conversations.  They make him uncomfortable.  For quite a long time, I used to hug him for no reason and he would tense up and say “what you want”.  After I asked, he said that his family were not a huggy family.  Mine was, so I feel like Im being starved of affection. I cant tell my friends what Im going through, because people talk and they would gossip. A guy we know, who I used to call a friend, he is a psychologist.  I rang him one day, as I was really struggling and told him some things.   A few months later, someone brought the topic up at my birthday dinner.  If a person who is a psychologist cant be professional and keep friends personal issues to themselves, who an. I always seem to get burnt by people.  I am not a mean person.  I can keep a secret.  All I seem to get is mean people, who dont care enough to think before opening their mouth. I seem to attract mean people. I was targetted in my 20’s in my job, by some overweight women.  They got me into trouble and when HR asked me to sign what they had said, I would not. I was targetted in my late 20’s by a girl who came to share my office, when hers was being renovated.  I had an argument on the phone with my boyfriend at the time and she complained to our boss. I was targetted again in my late 30’s by an Indian girl, who was listening into a conversation and pulled race card on me. I am far from racist.  I was brought up to accept everybody and did.  My eyes were opened wide by someone pulling the race card on me. I seem to attract these kind of people.  Maybe it is something I do, that I dont realise.  Maybe I deserve what I get. If I do, it is not intentional.  I have a good heart and dont intentionally do unkind or mean things to others.  I know how it feels to be on the receiving end of unkindness, meanness and down right nastiness. I hope I dont come across that way to anyone. Whenever I have taken out my frustrations on a shop assistant or a customer service help desk on the phone, I always make a point of going back and apologising, as I dont think it is right to take it out on other people. I still often wish I was dead.  Then there would be no pain. Im too weak to actually finish myself off. The only reason I am here, is I dont know who would look after my kitties the way I do.  I put them first. Eventually they would get over me and forget me.  My bf would move on and find a better model to upgrade to and probably be happier. He would find someone who doesnt have my issues and be happier. I am broken and cant see myself ever being fixed. I distance myself from everyone.  Maybe this is why I have noone to talk to.  I cant trust anyone.  I cant burden others with  my issues or the way I feel, because everyone has their own crap to deal with and dont need to hear mine as well. We exist.  I dont think we go to hell because we are already in it.   This is no life.  All we do is work and sleep, work and sleep and have numerous obstacles thrown at us along the way to see if we break. Clearly my drugs are not working. Ive been to the doctor and  four times have  been given referrals that are the wrong type of doctor and a doctor nowhere near where I live. It is like my destiny is to be pushed over the edge when I can be pushed no more and then fall or break completely.

a small downward spiral

Tonight I am not feeling so great.

I had a reasonably good day today, even if my head was a little foggy.

I got a couple of annoying messages on my way home, which made me somewhat angry.

And have spiralled downward since and am feeling more depressed as the night goes on.

Thoughts of death have even managed to creep in a few times.

Since the 60 Day Challenge finished about 3 – 4 weeks ago, I have been good and have kept up the 2 – 3 classes a week of Extend Barre.

This week I skipped all three classes and have spent all my spare time at home.

I wonder if not exercising has contributed.

They say exercise is good for depression.

Maybe it is a combination of no exercise and the annoying phone call.

So maybe I should try really hard next week to do my classes.

 

I read my last post (evening out).

It made me feel sad that I have to feel that way.

I am also going back to fencing tomorrow.

I had to stop last April, as I was finding it increasingly difficult to fence.

I would get on the piste and I would be so anxious, my mind went blank.

Going back tomorrow has been on my mind over the last couple of weeks.

I am feeling anxious about it, but used to enjoy it, so should go back.

It will also make bf happy.

He is now instructing there 3 – 4 nights a week, so we havent had as much time to spend with each other.

I have not been sure and am still not sure that I can enjoy it again.

The idea of fencing someone, the competing nature of fencing, is daunting me.

Im not an overt person and do not like the idea of having to compete.  And competing against someone who takes it way too seriously.

And there are a few of them.

I just dont think it is in my nature.

binge

I have not been binge drinking for a few months now.

I just stopped suddenly.  Bf and I went and had a few drinks on a Sunday night with a couple of friends, and we all got very merry.

Bf drove us home.  A very silly thing for him to do and very silly of me not to stop him.

I did not end up going to work the next and when I have a hangover, my anxiety and panic pay me a visit for the next day or so.

A few nights later RBT was on TV.  (Random Breath Test).

A show about police pulling people over and testing them for drink driving or driving under the influence of drugs.

Something clicked in my head.

Since then I have not felt the need to “get on it” and waste myself on alcohol, so I could make everything go away.

Maybe once or twice when I have had maybe one or two drinks more than my usual two, I briefly think about “getting on” the tequila, but then discard the thought.

Ive even stopped smoking cigarettes when I drink.

I think about it briefly, then quickly talk myself out of it and its not even that difficult.

Im glad Ive finally made it through that stage of healing? another healing stage of the  ptsd?  who knows?

All I know it is for the better.

And I am bound to get a bit merry in the future, but at least now it is controllable.

And thankfully I am past that awful gambling stage I went through, which apparently is also common in people who are suffering from ptsd.

That was a very expensive phase.

I wonder what the next phases of healing are…

 

not too bad

My GP had gone on two months holiday and I was still having the odd panic attack.  At least two a week.

So I lowered my drugs by one pill (25mg).

About three weeks ago, I had a good day.

And then another.

And then another!

A small miracle has occurred.

The last three weeks I have been feeling mostly good, possibly even great at times.  Even maybe felt happy.

(Im attributing this to lowering my dosage and then the panic attacks stopped all together.)

Seven days in from my first good day, I had a day that I felt not so great.  My anxiety was making me feel like crap.

I had a late night the night before and a few drinks.  Not enough to be drunk, but more than the two I probably would have.

If I go to bed really late, I get to a point where I cant sleep and then my anxiety and panic kick in and I was only able to sleep 2 -3 hours in the very early morning.

So I lost the whole day.  I couldnt do anything or go anywhere.  All I could do was feel like crap.

I took a few valium throughout the day and couldnt sleep all day and found it quite difficult to sleep that night.

So I was very tired on Monday, but managed to go to work.

A major step forward for me, being able to go to work after a day of trying to control anxiety and panic.

I didnt feel great and didnt actually get a good night sleep until Tuesday night.

By that time I was exhausted.

Since then, I have been feeling pretty good.

I have had a few days over the last week, where at work, my head was foggy due to anxiety and I didnt get as much work done as I would like.

I think my anxiety increased due to some changes at work and my workload is increasing and will continue to stay at an increased level for a little while.

Today my head was foggy, so again did not get through as much as I wanted to.

Hopefully, on Sunday when I go in, it will be quiet, and hopefully I will achieve a lot more and it will make up for what I didnt get done this week.

So some good progress.

Im not quite there yet, but I feel more hopeful that I will get even better.

Im still always tired.  If I could not feel tired all the time, I would be at my optimum.

I guess anything is possible.

 

 

 

a roller coaster ride

Since my last post, I have been busy working, ptsd sessions, 60 Day Challenge x 3 per week.

The weeks have been a blur.

Its Monday again and then its Saturday and then its Monday again.

The not so new drug is still a roller coaster ride.

The doctor reduced the drug by 25mg, as I started to have regular panic attacks (which I havent had for ages) and after two weeks of several panic attacks, I couldnt bare the thought of having to deal with them again, and after two weeks was worn out and emotional.

The panic attacks did subside, but I was still getting wired after a few days and having at least one a week.

So, as my GP is on holidays for two months, I decided to reduce the dosage by 25mg.  That was just over a week ago and I havent had any panic attacks.

I didnt get to bed until 3am and couldnt sleep, so had to take a valium.  I slept for a couple of hours and then was wide awake, and because I couldnt get back to sleep, I started to get very anxious and couldnt seem to calm myself, so took another two valium as I could feel panic creeping in.

I know its all in the mind that gets me to the panic stage, but I havent quite mastered doing it without the valium when I get overtired.

I also know that if I go to bed too late, this is what happens.

We went out for Japanese and then met up with some friends to celebrate my birthday and another friends birthday, which were both last week.

Ive had the last week and a bit off, as there were three public holidays, so was able to have 10 days off and only use three days leave.

The week before we met my sister and my brothers house for his birthday and also got to know his family a bit more, as we havent seen them for a few years.

His little girls (my nieces) are so beautiful.  I envy what he has, but with my psychological issues, am glad we didnt have kids.  It would not be an ideal environment to bring up kids in.

So its back to work tomorrow and the busy schedule starts again.

Work, Extend Barre x 3 per week and Im going back to fencing next week.

I have noticed that when I was busy, I didnt get to think too much.

Over the last week and a half, that I have not been at work, Ive become more depressed and started isolating myself again.

Ive made an appointment with a psychiatrist, but it isnt until the June 6th, so I hope the roller coaster doesnt get too scary between now and then.

I also hope the psych can help me with getting my drugs right.

I hope youre all doing OK out there.  I havent been reading blogs either, due to the weeks being a blur and when I isolate myself I also disappear online.

So hopefully I read more blogs, when I get back into a routine, which Im hoping reduces my isolation.

I hope everyone had a great Easter.