some goals for this year

I was watching a YouTube video that suggested making some goals for the year.

I can only try.

  • Find a new job.
  • Go  back to sabre fencing.
  • Exercise.
  • Lose weight.
  • No gambling.
  • Try to be more sociable (rather than staying home all the time).
  • More positive thoughts.
  • Less shopping online (I really dont need any more stuff).
  • Do the Good Reads challenge and read some books. (I wish I could read one a week = 52).
  • More decluttering around the house (maybe one item day).
  • Study some languages.


  • Most importantly find the motivation to do at least some of these.

2018 so far

I know this year is going to start out rough.

Going back to work next week is going to be extremely difficult, knowing my boss just loves to pick at me.

Trying to find another job when Im not feeling confident at all about myself, will make interviews hard to endure.

Interviews make me nervous anyway, but not being in the right frame of mind will make them even more nerve racking.

Last night I went out and gambled and now my bf is not talking to me and I will probably get the silent treatment for a while.

Silent treatment is hard to endure.  I know it’s my own fault, but when I am pissed off with my bf, I get over it very quickly.

Im half expecting the “splitting up” talk from bf, as it is what he usually does when he gets like this.  I dont blame him for wanting to leave, but threatening it whenever things arent rosy, I dont think is fair.

Home life being not so great and work life also being the way it is, is bringing back the feeling I know oh so well.


I dont know where I am going to find the strength.

Im only still here because of my furry kids.  I only have one left and the thought of leaving him without his Mum makes me sad.  He wouldnt understand where I had gone.

I love him so dearly.

I am feeling pretty low right now.

2017 was a hard year

From the get go when I went back to work at the end of January the restructure at work dragged on all year.  It was very stressful for myself and to watch my colleagues go through the torture of unsuccessful applications and interviews.  For a lot of us, we had been acting at higher grades than our substantive roles (EOIs)  for a number of years and doing them well in our previous managements eyes,  but still were not deemed capable by our new management, so did either not get a role or managed to obtain a role at a lower grade.

Some of my colleagues are still going through this even now.

The restructure was not fair and was managed really poorly.

I ended up with a role at a lower grade.  A role that is mind numbing.  Spreadsheets, word documents etc.  I may as well be a secretary again, like I was 20 years ago.

I work in IT and there are now no women in any of the technical roles.  It is now such a “boys club”.

It’s kicked my self confidence to the kerb, which is making it hard to find a new job, as I feel so low.

I need to find a new job soon.  The role I am in will de-skill me if I dont.

My new boss loves to make my life a misery.

I got stuck in a rut during this time gambling.  Not to the point of losing anything or not being able to pay our bills, but I have wasted my savings.

Something I need to stop ASAP.  It’s a waste of money and doesnt really do me any good.




to Chester (Linkin Park) on the way towork.

Today is one of those days where it still fills me with a deep sadness inside that he is gone forever and I will never be able to see him live again.

I can only  imagine how it must feel for his friends & family.
I’ve been listening to their live albums everyday since he passed.  Their sound is indescribable.

I’m feeling a deep sadness inside today, whereas yesterday was a better day.

The usual rollercoaster.

The new drugs are not making any difference so far, other than making me tired and make me stutter sometimes.

Hopefully work will take my mind off things.