depressed, worthless

(this post was written a couple of months ago.  I found it in my drafts today)

Life is not really doing it for me this year.

I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up.

I just want to give up.

The drugs are not really working at all.

We are going through a restructure at work, which is not helping.

We have four new Directors at work, as our old Directors were not reappointed.  This was a big surprise to the staff.

Quite a number of colleagues that I have worked with for many years have not been successful with obtaining roles that they have been doing for a long time.  A lot of them are not feeling very good about themselves and are not happy.  Through this process have discovered that I care about them quite a lot and it hurts to see them feeling like this.

I also am feeling so worthless due to this process.  I wasnt successful in obtaining a job at the same level that I have been working in for a couple of years and was told that I am not technical enough for the next level down, even though I have been in IT for 20 years and noone has ever complained about my work.  This was a slap to the face.

I feel like crap and everything makes me cry.  Im crying everyday.

Last night I went out with the girls, which was fun.  They are a great bunch of girls.  I only get to do it usually once a year, as they live in another state.

I have not felt attractive for many years now and even though I have been with my bf for 11 years, last night my friends were all getting attention from men and I did not get any attention at all.  I put this down to not being attractive.  I feel ugly.  It would have been nice to get some attention, just so it would maybe make feel less ugly.

I dont like Sydney anymore.  Humans are not nice to other humans and are so self absorbed.

I wish I could move away and not have to deal with humans anymore.

Never waking up again would be an easier option.