I don’t want to hurt anymore

This feeling inside just never really seems to go away.

It just magnifies when other humans make it so.

As life goes by I seem to come across more “horrible” and sometimes nasty people that just exacerbate the deep feelings of hurt inside, so that it never really goes away.

I don’t belong here with these people. I don’t fit in with mean humans. It’s just not in me to be mean to others and try and make there lives any harder than it need to be.

Of course I know some good humans, but there just seems to be more of the not so nice ones.

And others just sit back and let it happen because they’re probably too afraid to say something or don’t really care.

Mean people at work are definitely one of my biggest weaknesses. It really gets me down. And when management don’t do anything about it and seem to listen to these people rather than the many it affect, what can you do?

It’s been going on for a while and now the headspace I’m in makes me unable to interview for other jobs.

I wish I could leave this earth.

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What is the point

Life is just a continual roller coaster.

Just when you think things might get better, they turn to shit.

The good bit doesn’t last long either.

Not just one thing, but everything. Work and home.

You can guarantee when things turn to shit at work, bf turns it into about him.

If I’m feeling down and depressed he turns the conversation into about him and my feelings are only acknowledged momentarily.

A girl I was working with kept complaining to management about me. I don’t know what about, as no one has told me.

Because of her I was moved back to the city office pretty much overnight.

I was not enjoying sitting next to her because she is very passive aggressive, but I didn’t complain about her because I don’t like to be a dobber.

She did me a favour. The city office working for my old boss is great.

It was good for about a month, when I discovered she is still complaining about me, which has turned management attention to me again and now I feel like shit again.

Bf was pissed off with me yesterday because I asked him “what he was doing today”. He snapped back “looking for a job. Isn’t that what I’m supposed to be doing!?”

Bf got the sack last week due to his bad attitude at work. He can be very moody. I’m glad I don’t work with him all day. It’s bad enough we spend most of our lives st work, let alone with someone who is moody.

I just wish I didn’t have to deal with humans anymore.

I want to give up.

I generally don’t enjoy life. Except for my cat of course, which is the only thing that keeps me here.

I’ve done my research and found a painless, unmessy way to go. I’m just too gutless to do it.

difficult time

I’m struggling at the moment.

Feeling really low, no self worth.

The tears are on and off. It doesn’t take much to start them.

I just can’t seem to escape the depression. It just keeps coming back.

It won’t let me be free.

I’m finding it hard to go to work.

My motivation is very poor.

I’m so tired.

I don’t know what to do so I can finally be free of it. I just want to feel like I used to.

Nothing seems to help.

things I am managing to do

Im trying hard to squeeze some things in when I have the time or energy :

  • I have managed to write poetry on the train on the way to work. (never written poetry before, so its my version)
  • Do my 5-15 minutes of Japanese (beginners) 2 – 3 times a week,  to help with my trip to Japan in May.

(I did study two years of Japanese in the early 2000’s, but hardly remember anything).

  • Reading a book on my iPad on the train on the way home, at least 3 days a week.
  • Reading a paperback book for a while when I go to bed (if Im not too tired) 2-4 nights a week, as the light on iPads is supposed to make it hard to go to sleep.

and the Taiko drumming.

I used to be able to do so much more and want to do so much more.

it’s a start.

2018 has not been fun

Troubles with troublemaking women at work.

I dont like to speak at work anymore, because everything is taken out of context and relayed in a new version that makes me look bad.

I feel so tired all the time.  The fatigue is a killer.  It makes it really hard to go to work 5 days a week.  Do doctors do anything to help.  No.

I have no energy or motivation to do anything but sleep and hang out with kitty.

I want to go back to sabre fencing, but I am soooooo tired.

We have started Japanese Taiko drumming, which is fun.  The ony reason I make it there is because I get a nap in between.

Taiko Drumming

I also started archery earlier this year and have done four lessons, which gives you the safety (green) card, so you can practice at any club you belong to.  I havent managed to go the last three weeks.  Ive needed the weekend just to catch up on sleep and try to conserve any energy I have.

If only I wasnt so tired, so fatigued, Im sure I would feel so much better.

Im thinking of getting my thyroid tested by a specialty clinic to have it properly tested.  So many of the symptoms the thyroid can cause.  I have.

  • Weight gain around middle?
  • Feeling tired especially at 3PM?
  • Feeling foggy?
  • Waking through the night?
  • Poor memory?
  • Depression and Irritability?
  • Constipation?
  • Aching muscles and joint pain?
  • Muscle cramps?
  • Craving sugar and carbs?
  • Feeling the cold? – This one not so much. I am like a walking heater.
  • Hair loss?
  • Using coffee and alcohol to lift you?
  • Poor concentration?

It’s so hard to function feeling like this.

twist my words

Since my work merged with other deparments (one of them being a ver toxic department), work is no longer a nice place to be.

Not many of my colleagues ended up with a job and there are only maybe a dozen of us left.

At least once a fortnight I hear something negative about me from someone.  Generally about a conversation I have had and what I have said has been completely innocent, has been twisted into something negative and told to other staff and management.

My name is now mud.

I am very careful of what I say and try to keep it work related and still this happens.

Ive been with my department for nearly 13 years and have liked working there, but now it looks like I will have to find another job and quickly, as I cant use current management as referees.  I can only use my previous management for references, as they have a good opinion of me.

We had a new Director start just before Christmas and he has already been told I dont want to work on other departments work.  We do not have enough staff to generally transfer knowledge to one another and noone has offered to teach me.

Just last week, as I wasnt very busy I offered my help to a staff member who was before from one of the other departments and said I can help with any of his work regardless of which departments systems it was for.  But noone hears about that and when someone relayed my conversation to someone in my team, the words where twisted somehow and that person gave me the cold shoulder the next day.

It is really getting me down and just wish I didnt have to deal with humans anymore, as so many of them dont care about anyone but themselves.

I feel so helpless and defeated.  I just cant do anything right in their eyes.  I dont know who it is that is twisting my words and spreading negative things about me and my work.

I used to be the “go to” person to get things done and have always offered help.

And now I am noone and the new management think I am incapable.

I wish I didnt have to live this life anymore.

but I must look after kitty