So many ways

Take a lot of my medication and drown in the sea or go to sleep and never wake up

Hang myself

If I had a gun shoot myself inthe head with a helmet on so I wouldn’t make a mess

Walk in front of a fast moving bus 

a day in bed

Today kitty and I stayed in bed all day (except for two visits to the kitchen for kitty snacks).  It would be so easy to do this more often.

I just feel nothing inside about everything but kitty.

I love him to pieces and wouldnt be here if it wasnt for him.

I have NO motivation to do anything and if I didnt have kitty, wish I could fall asleep and never wake up.

It would take some time for friends or family to notice that I wasnt around.

Only my boss would notice me missing and as he knows of my depression history, would be concerned if I was OK.

I hope kitty is around for a long time to come yet, as I cant imagine life without him.

I am empty other than his affection for me.

outing

I have four days off.

Ive only left the house to get milk across the road in three days.

I havent seen anyone otherwise.

Until tonight after a few wines, I went to a club a gambled a fair bit of money away.

It was boring and a waste of time.

bf is away, so noone will ever know.

I just dont care about anything.

If it wasnt for my cat, I just wouldnt bother.

If only the numbness/depression would end.  Its been going on for years.

All I want to do is stay at home with my cat.

The only reason I bother with life and work, is to look after my cat.

I wish I could go to sleep for the last time.

blah

Life is so blah.

The only thing I love in life is my kitty.

I only have one left.  I lost Morpheus a couple of months ago to a blood clot paralysing his back legs and then heart failure.

It all happened so quickly, it still doesnt seem real.

He was on my lap the night before relaxing and purring.  He was up and around for brekky in the morning.  I came home and I didnt notice anything was wrong until kitty dinner time, when I had fed them both and was cleaning up and he howled.  It was then I noticed he was dragging his back legs.

He spent the night on pain killers and under observation.  As his breathing had not improved we had to say goodbye.  My poor, sweet Morpheus.

Life was numbing before, and now more so.

Alarm, drag myself out of bed, work, home, sleep and repeat.

 

still here

I was suprised that my last blog was in July.  I thought was much earlier this year.

Im still truding through what is called “life”;

I still feel like Im on a continuous “flatline”.  I dont feel much at all.

The only enjoyment I have is my kitties.  Neo (my little black shadow) is always near.  He is the only being that makes me feel something.  Morpheus does as well, but we dont have the bond that Neo and I do.

I still like the idea of taking a lot Valium and then going for a swim, falling asleep and slowing drowning and drifting away.  It seems so peaceful.

The drugs dont do much other than help me sleep, which is a blessing.  Being able to sleep makes it easier.

I am doing better than I was earlier this year.  I have taken hardly any days off work in the last month and a half, which is a miracle.

I am completely worn out by the end of the week and look forward to my Friday afternoon nap.

I havent been napping as much either and have been finding it difficult to get back to sleep after bfs alarm goes off on my days off.

I am constantly tired.

Today is my last day of work for three weeks, except for one Sunday in two weeks.

I need a rest.

I am worried that having so much time to myself could ignite thoughts in my mind, that could make me feel even flatter than I do now.  If that is possible.

I dont see a lot of bf with him Saturday and also fencing three nights a week, sometimes four.

I dont say anything anymore, so he doesnt chuck another tanty and says he is going to give fencing up!  As if that is what I want.  Drama, drama, drama! He is such a drama queen sometimes.  I would never ask him to give up fencing, when I know how much he likes it.

It started getting warmer in early November.  I was actually brave enough to go to the beach by myself.

I havent been in the sun for at least a couple of years because the drugs I was on made me so hot, that I had to avoid anything that made me even the teensiest bit warm.  I was able to wear a singlet outside in winter.

It was so great being able to go back to the beach and to be brave enough to go on my own.

bf tried to use it against me,  saying you can go to the beach, but not with me (he was at work).  I told him that he shouldnt try to take it away from me, because he knows I dont like going out by myself and hardly leave the house as it is.  I couldnt believe he tried to use it against me!  when Ive been going through so much.  How fn selfish!  It makes me mad just thinking about it!  He hasnt brought it up again.

I tried to get a few of the girls to catch up, but they are always busy, so Ive given up.

Im going to be a lonely old woman.

I feel so alone.

But am still here for now and with my kitties, Im guessing I will be here for a bit longer.