2018 so far

I know this year is going to start out rough.

Going back to work next week is going to be extremely difficult, knowing my boss just loves to pick at me.

Trying to find another job when Im not feeling confident at all about myself, will make interviews hard to endure.

Interviews make me nervous anyway, but not being in the right frame of mind will make them even more nerve racking.

Last night I went out and gambled and now my bf is not talking to me and I will probably get the silent treatment for a while.

Silent treatment is hard to endure.  I know it’s my own fault, but when I am pissed off with my bf, I get over it very quickly.

Im half expecting the “splitting up” talk from bf, as it is what he usually does when he gets like this.  I dont blame him for wanting to leave, but threatening it whenever things arent rosy, I dont think is fair.

Home life being not so great and work life also being the way it is, is bringing back the feeling I know oh so well.


I dont know where I am going to find the strength.

Im only still here because of my furry kids.  I only have one left and the thought of leaving him without his Mum makes me sad.  He wouldnt understand where I had gone.

I love him so dearly.

I am feeling pretty low right now.


Given Up

Not having a good day today.

Driving around in my car today, I actually listened to the lyrics sung by Chester Bennington from Linkin Park to the song Given Up.

I have been very emotional and teary for the rest of the day since realising what the lyrics were.

It still saddens me that he is gone, but listening to these lyrics, I can completely understand why.

They make so much sense in my head.

I have been thinking about how much of a relief it would be to not have to be here anymore and feel the way I do.

The only reason I have made it this far, is I dont know who will look after my 17 year old kitty like I do if I was not around anymore.


I dont know quite how to end it without too much pain and be successful.

GIVEN UP lyrics

Wake in a sweat again
Another day’s been laid to waste
In my disgrace
Stuck in my head again
Feels like I’ll never leave this place
There’s no escape
I’m my own worst enemy

I’ve given up
I’m sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say?
Take this all away
I’m suffocating!
Tell me what the fuck is wrong with me!

I don’t know what to take
Thought I was focused, but I’m scared
I’m not prepared
I hyperventilate
Looking for help somehow, somewhere
And no one cares
I’m my own worst enemy

I’ve given up
I’m sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say?
Take this all away
I’m suffocating!
Tell me what the fuck is wrong with me


Put me out of my misery
Put me out of my misery
Put me out of my
Put me out of my fucking misery

I’ve given up
I’m sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say?
Take this all away
I’m suffocating!
Tell me what the fuck is wrong with me….


a day in bed

Today kitty and I stayed in bed all day (except for two visits to the kitchen for kitty snacks).  It would be so easy to do this more often.

I just feel nothing inside about everything but kitty.

I love him to pieces and wouldnt be here if it wasnt for him.

I have NO motivation to do anything and if I didnt have kitty, wish I could fall asleep and never wake up.

It would take some time for friends or family to notice that I wasnt around.

Only my boss would notice me missing and as he knows of my depression history, would be concerned if I was OK.

I hope kitty is around for a long time to come yet, as I cant imagine life without him.

I am empty other than his affection for me.

still here

It’s been a long time since my last post.

I have had the motivation of a chair and just couldnt be bothered doing much at all.

It has also been a long, tiring journey between my last post and now.

I am still here because my kitties are still here and I cant abandon them.

They are 16 years old this year and I love them more and more everyday.

The doctors changed my medication again early last year, because yet again the previous one wasnt helping and changing medications is not a fun ordeal.

The new drug Zoloft (sertraline) did help for quite a while.  It did not help my sleep at all for the first few months.  Once my sleep evened out, I wasnt as tired as I had been for the last few years.  It was great not to feel tired all the time.

The last couple of months, I started to feel tired again and my mood flatlined again.

A couple of weeks ago, due to an arrogant colleague, I dropped into that deep, dark place again and started having sleep issues again.

I did my research online and increased my medication by 50mg.  I went to the doctor the next week and they suggested increasing my medication by 50mg and gave me temazapam to help me sleep.  I didnt tell that I had done it already the week before.  I missed a week of work and didnt leave the house for days.  The temazapam hasnt helped my sleep, so Im going back to the doctors today to see if they can give me something else.

Im still not loving life.  Im only here for my kitties.

I wonder if the depression will ever go away for good…




on this roller coaster called life

Up and down, up and down… I will feel ok for a day, maybe two, three and four and then, smack down hard on the bottom again I feel so numb, I can feel the numbness in my face and the deadness inside. I just want to curl up in our dark bedroom and escape. Ive been watching a TV series call Orange Is The New Black.  In one episode Piper gets one of the girls to do her hair and mention how good it feels to be touched by someone, as in prison there is none of that. I cant talk to bf because he doesnt like serious conversations.  They make him uncomfortable.  For quite a long time, I used to hug him for no reason and he would tense up and say “what you want”.  After I asked, he said that his family were not a huggy family.  Mine was, so I feel like Im being starved of affection. I cant tell my friends what Im going through, because people talk and they would gossip. A guy we know, who I used to call a friend, he is a psychologist.  I rang him one day, as I was really struggling and told him some things.   A few months later, someone brought the topic up at my birthday dinner.  If a person who is a psychologist cant be professional and keep friends personal issues to themselves, who an. I always seem to get burnt by people.  I am not a mean person.  I can keep a secret.  All I seem to get is mean people, who dont care enough to think before opening their mouth. I seem to attract mean people. I was targetted in my 20’s in my job, by some overweight women.  They got me into trouble and when HR asked me to sign what they had said, I would not. I was targetted in my late 20’s by a girl who came to share my office, when hers was being renovated.  I had an argument on the phone with my boyfriend at the time and she complained to our boss. I was targetted again in my late 30’s by an Indian girl, who was listening into a conversation and pulled race card on me. I am far from racist.  I was brought up to accept everybody and did.  My eyes were opened wide by someone pulling the race card on me. I seem to attract these kind of people.  Maybe it is something I do, that I dont realise.  Maybe I deserve what I get. If I do, it is not intentional.  I have a good heart and dont intentionally do unkind or mean things to others.  I know how it feels to be on the receiving end of unkindness, meanness and down right nastiness. I hope I dont come across that way to anyone. Whenever I have taken out my frustrations on a shop assistant or a customer service help desk on the phone, I always make a point of going back and apologising, as I dont think it is right to take it out on other people. I still often wish I was dead.  Then there would be no pain. Im too weak to actually finish myself off. The only reason I am here, is I dont know who would look after my kitties the way I do.  I put them first. Eventually they would get over me and forget me.  My bf would move on and find a better model to upgrade to and probably be happier. He would find someone who doesnt have my issues and be happier. I am broken and cant see myself ever being fixed. I distance myself from everyone.  Maybe this is why I have noone to talk to.  I cant trust anyone.  I cant burden others with  my issues or the way I feel, because everyone has their own crap to deal with and dont need to hear mine as well. We exist.  I dont think we go to hell because we are already in it.   This is no life.  All we do is work and sleep, work and sleep and have numerous obstacles thrown at us along the way to see if we break. Clearly my drugs are not working. Ive been to the doctor and  four times have  been given referrals that are the wrong type of doctor and a doctor nowhere near where I live. It is like my destiny is to be pushed over the edge when I can be pushed no more and then fall or break completely.

a quiet day

Panic attacks are exhausting.

I guess its because the whole body is in maximum tension mode, including the brain.

I was unable to go to work today and have had to cancel my Xtend Barre class tonight.

I was so pleased that I managed to not miss any days at work last week and was thinking that it was the start of no days off.

I want to get back to the days, where I never took any sick days.

But no.

Maybe next week.

Im feeling quite low today.

Im wondering what bf is thinking of what happened last night.

And poor kitty did not know what was going on.  He was acting a bit wary afterwards and I was worried he would be a bit distant with me today.

But he is still sticking close to me today. What a relief.

can i risk another one

A couple of weeks ago I sent in an application to volunteer at the Cat Protections Society.

They have emailed me back and put me on a waitlist.

Its quite popular to volunteer there, it seems.

In the email they also suggested volunteering in their Op Shop.

It means dealing with money.  I am quite apprehensive to do this, as money attracts criminals that rob you for money.

Im not sure if I can work somewhere, where there is money and risk a third robbery.

I really dont want to put myself at risk, but I would also like to help them.

I think I am going to have to decline and just wait until they have a vacancy working with the kitties.