a day in bed

Today kitty and I stayed in bed all day (except for two visits to the kitchen for kitty snacks).  It would be so easy to do this more often.

I just feel nothing inside about everything but kitty.

I love him to pieces and wouldnt be here if it wasnt for him.

I have NO motivation to do anything and if I didnt have kitty, wish I could fall asleep and never wake up.

It would take some time for friends or family to notice that I wasnt around.

Only my boss would notice me missing and as he knows of my depression history, would be concerned if I was OK.

I hope kitty is around for a long time to come yet, as I cant imagine life without him.

I am empty other than his affection for me.

outing

I have four days off.

Ive only left the house to get milk across the road in three days.

I havent seen anyone otherwise.

Until tonight after a few wines, I went to a club a gambled a fair bit of money away.

It was boring and a waste of time.

bf is away, so noone will ever know.

I just dont care about anything.

If it wasnt for my cat, I just wouldnt bother.

If only the numbness/depression would end.  Its been going on for years.

All I want to do is stay at home with my cat.

The only reason I bother with life and work, is to look after my cat.

I wish I could go to sleep for the last time.

still here

It’s been a long time since my last post.

I have had the motivation of a chair and just couldnt be bothered doing much at all.

It has also been a long, tiring journey between my last post and now.

I am still here because my kitties are still here and I cant abandon them.

They are 16 years old this year and I love them more and more everyday.

The doctors changed my medication again early last year, because yet again the previous one wasnt helping and changing medications is not a fun ordeal.

The new drug Zoloft (sertraline) did help for quite a while.  It did not help my sleep at all for the first few months.  Once my sleep evened out, I wasnt as tired as I had been for the last few years.  It was great not to feel tired all the time.

The last couple of months, I started to feel tired again and my mood flatlined again.

A couple of weeks ago, due to an arrogant colleague, I dropped into that deep, dark place again and started having sleep issues again.

I did my research online and increased my medication by 50mg.  I went to the doctor the next week and they suggested increasing my medication by 50mg and gave me temazapam to help me sleep.  I didnt tell that I had done it already the week before.  I missed a week of work and didnt leave the house for days.  The temazapam hasnt helped my sleep, so Im going back to the doctors today to see if they can give me something else.

Im still not loving life.  Im only here for my kitties.

I wonder if the depression will ever go away for good…

 

 

 

tough times ahead

bf and I just seem to grow farther and farther apart.

He works six days a week and three nights a week training to be a fencing instructor.

I went back to fencing about 10 weeks ago.  This was not an easy feat.

I did it for him, because he wanted be to go back.  I also did it for me.  I once enjoyed fencing and due to confidence issues, I had to give it up.

I have no self esteem or confidence.

The first night I went back I was so anxious, I had to try not to cry.

Each week has got easier.  It helped that the guys in my classes were friendly and also showed difficulty in getting some of the things we were taught right.

None of us passed the Novice course.  Im not surprised that I didnt, as I had forgotten so much.  It had been eighteen months since I last fenced and the last couple of months back then were are blur, due to my anxiety.

Surprisingly it did not upset me that I hadnt passed.  I guess the fact that noone else, probably helped.

I have decided to start from scratch and start at the beginners course, as there were references to the Beginners course that I did not remember as it was over two years ago.

So, I will go in and start from scratch and maybe in time I will get back to where I was.

I have to admit I am glad that I went back.  It was a major feat for me.

There are also a lot of nice people in the Sabre Centre.

Getting back to bf.

He will be working days and four nights at fencing.  This  does not seem to bother him at all.

I dont think it has crossed his mind that it means we will see even less of each other and when I mentioned it to him, he got annoyed with me, even though I wasnt talking to him in an annoyed manner.

Tonight he only had to be in the centre for an hour, but stayed there anyway and didnt get home for another 2.5 hours.

Tomorrow night he is going in and then going to another fencers place for drinks.

He just doesnt seem to factor me into any of this at all.

Maybe I am being to needy.

I have, like a lot of individuals do, go into a relationship and lose their “self”, their individuality.

I am going to have to start to get back to being an individual and not saying no to plans, just because bf is busy.

It will be hard times and everyone else will have there own things that they do now. So, Im going to have to deal with some instances where everyone else is doing their own thing as they have done, since I slipped out of the social circle.

It is going to hard, seeing that I have no self esteem to start with.

I will have to try to focus on work, and stop having so many days off, due to my “mental” issues.

My drugs arent working, so I am going to have to change drugs again.  What fun that will be!

Last time I thought I was going to lose it, as I didnt know what to do with everything that I was feeling, that had been numbed from the previous drug I was on.

This is going to be a screamer of a roller coaster ride.  And trying to not have days off from work and keep the constants thoughts of wanting to be dead.

If it wasnt for my kitties, and worrying about who would look after them like I do and love them like they do, I wouldnt be here anymore.

Thoughts of wanting to be dead are regularly creeping into my mind.

I am too weak to actually follow through with it.

I have progressed from wanting to go to Kings Cross and asking one of the bikies for a gun or finding out how much they charge to kill someone (me), to stabbing myself in the head repeatedly with an ice pick (I dont think this would last long and would be way to painful), to hanging myself off our back stairs, to taking lots of valium and going for a swim in the ocean and falling asleep in the ocean and drowning.

I have heard that drowning is a peaceful way to die, after the initial loss of air and intake of water.

Maybe the world will all end at once and then I wouldnt have to miss my kitties and they wouldnt have to miss me.

It breaks my heart to think about them wondering where mummy is.

They are so precious.

I dont know if I have the strength for whats coming up.  Only one way will tell.

One of the hardest things is that I dont have anyone to talk to.  bf is emotionally unavailable.  I now know what that means literally.

I cant talk to friends, as Im afraid of the stigma attached and them thinking Im a complete crazy person, which I may be anyway.

i cant even remember the last time he hugged me, the last time we had a passionate kiss or a kiss other than a peck hello.

I miss hugs.

I feel so numb, so empty.

on this roller coaster called life

Up and down, up and down… I will feel ok for a day, maybe two, three and four and then, smack down hard on the bottom again I feel so numb, I can feel the numbness in my face and the deadness inside. I just want to curl up in our dark bedroom and escape. Ive been watching a TV series call Orange Is The New Black.  In one episode Piper gets one of the girls to do her hair and mention how good it feels to be touched by someone, as in prison there is none of that. I cant talk to bf because he doesnt like serious conversations.  They make him uncomfortable.  For quite a long time, I used to hug him for no reason and he would tense up and say “what you want”.  After I asked, he said that his family were not a huggy family.  Mine was, so I feel like Im being starved of affection. I cant tell my friends what Im going through, because people talk and they would gossip. A guy we know, who I used to call a friend, he is a psychologist.  I rang him one day, as I was really struggling and told him some things.   A few months later, someone brought the topic up at my birthday dinner.  If a person who is a psychologist cant be professional and keep friends personal issues to themselves, who an. I always seem to get burnt by people.  I am not a mean person.  I can keep a secret.  All I seem to get is mean people, who dont care enough to think before opening their mouth. I seem to attract mean people. I was targetted in my 20’s in my job, by some overweight women.  They got me into trouble and when HR asked me to sign what they had said, I would not. I was targetted in my late 20’s by a girl who came to share my office, when hers was being renovated.  I had an argument on the phone with my boyfriend at the time and she complained to our boss. I was targetted again in my late 30’s by an Indian girl, who was listening into a conversation and pulled race card on me. I am far from racist.  I was brought up to accept everybody and did.  My eyes were opened wide by someone pulling the race card on me. I seem to attract these kind of people.  Maybe it is something I do, that I dont realise.  Maybe I deserve what I get. If I do, it is not intentional.  I have a good heart and dont intentionally do unkind or mean things to others.  I know how it feels to be on the receiving end of unkindness, meanness and down right nastiness. I hope I dont come across that way to anyone. Whenever I have taken out my frustrations on a shop assistant or a customer service help desk on the phone, I always make a point of going back and apologising, as I dont think it is right to take it out on other people. I still often wish I was dead.  Then there would be no pain. Im too weak to actually finish myself off. The only reason I am here, is I dont know who would look after my kitties the way I do.  I put them first. Eventually they would get over me and forget me.  My bf would move on and find a better model to upgrade to and probably be happier. He would find someone who doesnt have my issues and be happier. I am broken and cant see myself ever being fixed. I distance myself from everyone.  Maybe this is why I have noone to talk to.  I cant trust anyone.  I cant burden others with  my issues or the way I feel, because everyone has their own crap to deal with and dont need to hear mine as well. We exist.  I dont think we go to hell because we are already in it.   This is no life.  All we do is work and sleep, work and sleep and have numerous obstacles thrown at us along the way to see if we break. Clearly my drugs are not working. Ive been to the doctor and  four times have  been given referrals that are the wrong type of doctor and a doctor nowhere near where I live. It is like my destiny is to be pushed over the edge when I can be pushed no more and then fall or break completely.

a small downward spiral

Tonight I am not feeling so great.

I had a reasonably good day today, even if my head was a little foggy.

I got a couple of annoying messages on my way home, which made me somewhat angry.

And have spiralled downward since and am feeling more depressed as the night goes on.

Thoughts of death have even managed to creep in a few times.

Since the 60 Day Challenge finished about 3 – 4 weeks ago, I have been good and have kept up the 2 – 3 classes a week of Extend Barre.

This week I skipped all three classes and have spent all my spare time at home.

I wonder if not exercising has contributed.

They say exercise is good for depression.

Maybe it is a combination of no exercise and the annoying phone call.

So maybe I should try really hard next week to do my classes.

 

I read my last post (evening out).

It made me feel sad that I have to feel that way.

I am also going back to fencing tomorrow.

I had to stop last April, as I was finding it increasingly difficult to fence.

I would get on the piste and I would be so anxious, my mind went blank.

Going back tomorrow has been on my mind over the last couple of weeks.

I am feeling anxious about it, but used to enjoy it, so should go back.

It will also make bf happy.

He is now instructing there 3 – 4 nights a week, so we havent had as much time to spend with each other.

I have not been sure and am still not sure that I can enjoy it again.

The idea of fencing someone, the competing nature of fencing, is daunting me.

Im not an overt person and do not like the idea of having to compete.  And competing against someone who takes it way too seriously.

And there are a few of them.

I just dont think it is in my nature.

binge

I have not been binge drinking for a few months now.

I just stopped suddenly.  Bf and I went and had a few drinks on a Sunday night with a couple of friends, and we all got very merry.

Bf drove us home.  A very silly thing for him to do and very silly of me not to stop him.

I did not end up going to work the next and when I have a hangover, my anxiety and panic pay me a visit for the next day or so.

A few nights later RBT was on TV.  (Random Breath Test).

A show about police pulling people over and testing them for drink driving or driving under the influence of drugs.

Something clicked in my head.

Since then I have not felt the need to “get on it” and waste myself on alcohol, so I could make everything go away.

Maybe once or twice when I have had maybe one or two drinks more than my usual two, I briefly think about “getting on” the tequila, but then discard the thought.

Ive even stopped smoking cigarettes when I drink.

I think about it briefly, then quickly talk myself out of it and its not even that difficult.

Im glad Ive finally made it through that stage of healing? another healing stage of the  ptsd?  who knows?

All I know it is for the better.

And I am bound to get a bit merry in the future, but at least now it is controllable.

And thankfully I am past that awful gambling stage I went through, which apparently is also common in people who are suffering from ptsd.

That was a very expensive phase.

I wonder what the next phases of healing are…