I don’t want to hurt anymore

This feeling inside just never really seems to go away.

It just magnifies when other humans make it so.

As life goes by I seem to come across more “horrible” and sometimes nasty people that just exacerbate the deep feelings of hurt inside, so that it never really goes away.

I don’t belong here with these people. I don’t fit in with mean humans. It’s just not in me to be mean to others and try and make there lives any harder than it need to be.

Of course I know some good humans, but there just seems to be more of the not so nice ones.

And others just sit back and let it happen because they’re probably too afraid to say something or don’t really care.

Mean people at work are definitely one of my biggest weaknesses. It really gets me down. And when management don’t do anything about it and seem to listen to these people rather than the many it affect, what can you do?

It’s been going on for a while and now the headspace I’m in makes me unable to interview for other jobs.

I wish I could leave this earth.

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What is the point

Life is just a continual roller coaster.

Just when you think things might get better, they turn to shit.

The good bit doesn’t last long either.

Not just one thing, but everything. Work and home.

You can guarantee when things turn to shit at work, bf turns it into about him.

If I’m feeling down and depressed he turns the conversation into about him and my feelings are only acknowledged momentarily.

A girl I was working with kept complaining to management about me. I don’t know what about, as no one has told me.

Because of her I was moved back to the city office pretty much overnight.

I was not enjoying sitting next to her because she is very passive aggressive, but I didn’t complain about her because I don’t like to be a dobber.

She did me a favour. The city office working for my old boss is great.

It was good for about a month, when I discovered she is still complaining about me, which has turned management attention to me again and now I feel like shit again.

Bf was pissed off with me yesterday because I asked him “what he was doing today”. He snapped back “looking for a job. Isn’t that what I’m supposed to be doing!?”

Bf got the sack last week due to his bad attitude at work. He can be very moody. I’m glad I don’t work with him all day. It’s bad enough we spend most of our lives st work, let alone with someone who is moody.

I just wish I didn’t have to deal with humans anymore.

I want to give up.

I generally don’t enjoy life. Except for my cat of course, which is the only thing that keeps me here.

I’ve done my research and found a painless, unmessy way to go. I’m just too gutless to do it.

twist my words

Since my work merged with other deparments (one of them being a ver toxic department), work is no longer a nice place to be.

Not many of my colleagues ended up with a job and there are only maybe a dozen of us left.

At least once a fortnight I hear something negative about me from someone.  Generally about a conversation I have had and what I have said has been completely innocent, has been twisted into something negative and told to other staff and management.

My name is now mud.

I am very careful of what I say and try to keep it work related and still this happens.

Ive been with my department for nearly 13 years and have liked working there, but now it looks like I will have to find another job and quickly, as I cant use current management as referees.  I can only use my previous management for references, as they have a good opinion of me.

We had a new Director start just before Christmas and he has already been told I dont want to work on other departments work.  We do not have enough staff to generally transfer knowledge to one another and noone has offered to teach me.

Just last week, as I wasnt very busy I offered my help to a staff member who was before from one of the other departments and said I can help with any of his work regardless of which departments systems it was for.  But noone hears about that and when someone relayed my conversation to someone in my team, the words where twisted somehow and that person gave me the cold shoulder the next day.

It is really getting me down and just wish I didnt have to deal with humans anymore, as so many of them dont care about anyone but themselves.

I feel so helpless and defeated.  I just cant do anything right in their eyes.  I dont know who it is that is twisting my words and spreading negative things about me and my work.

I used to be the “go to” person to get things done and have always offered help.

And now I am noone and the new management think I am incapable.

I wish I didnt have to live this life anymore.

but I must look after kitty

2018 so far

I know this year is going to start out rough.

Going back to work next week is going to be extremely difficult, knowing my boss just loves to pick at me.

Trying to find another job when Im not feeling confident at all about myself, will make interviews hard to endure.

Interviews make me nervous anyway, but not being in the right frame of mind will make them even more nerve racking.

Last night I went out and gambled and now my bf is not talking to me and I will probably get the silent treatment for a while.

Silent treatment is hard to endure.  I know it’s my own fault, but when I am pissed off with my bf, I get over it very quickly.

Im half expecting the “splitting up” talk from bf, as it is what he usually does when he gets like this.  I dont blame him for wanting to leave, but threatening it whenever things arent rosy, I dont think is fair.

Home life being not so great and work life also being the way it is, is bringing back the feeling I know oh so well.

Depression.

I dont know where I am going to find the strength.

Im only still here because of my furry kids.  I only have one left and the thought of leaving him without his Mum makes me sad.  He wouldnt understand where I had gone.

I love him so dearly.

I am feeling pretty low right now.