remembering chester

 

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listening

to Chester (Linkin Park) on the way towork.

Today is one of those days where it still fills me with a deep sadness inside that he is gone forever and I will never be able to see him live again.

I can only  imagine how it must feel for his friends & family.
I’ve been listening to their live albums everyday since he passed.  Their sound is indescribable.

I’m feeling a deep sadness inside today, whereas yesterday was a better day.

The usual rollercoaster.

The new drugs are not making any difference so far, other than making me tired and make me stutter sometimes.

Hopefully work will take my mind off things.

i want out

but I dont want to leave kitty without his mum.  Kitty is 17 and wouldnt understand why I was gone and noone else would love him and treat him the way I do.

I researched getting helium gas and it is so easy to get your hands on.

I wasnt meant for this planet where humans make other peoples life miserable, just because they can.

Ive said for a long time I was dropped on the planet and am regularly reminded of how horrible a lot of humans are.

heavy

I can relate to these words.

 

HEAVY – Linkin Park

I don’t like my mind right now
Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary
Wish that I could slow things down
I wanna let go but there’s comfort in the panic
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything’s about me
Yeah, I drive myself crazy
‘Cause I can’t escape the gravity

I’m holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
So much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down
If I just let go, I’d be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?

You say that I’m paranoid
But I’m pretty sure the world is out to get me
It’s not like I make the choice
To let my mind stay so fucking messy
I know I’m not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning ’round me just the same
I know I’m not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning ’round me just the same

I’m holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
So much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down
If I just let go, I’d be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?

I know I’m not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning ’round me just the same
I know I’m not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning ’round me just the same
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything’s about me

Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
So much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down
If I just let go, I’d be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Why is everything so heavy?
Why is everything so heavy?

the best way out

So far the best, less painful way I can find is plastic bag and gas.

I didnt even know it was a method.

http://lostallhope.com/suicide-methods/plastic-bag-gas

According to Nitschke & Stewart1, and the Alt Suicide Holiday website2, breathing in a gas with no oxygen content should render unconsciousness in a matter of seconds. Estimates for time to death with this method were not easy to find, although it would seem less than 10 minutes. 20 minutes of gas is said by Nitschke & Stewart to be more than enough to ensure death. Death should be relatively painless, although before being rendered unconscious there will be brief panic knowing that the body is not breathing in air. On discovery, the body will look like death was peaceful.

Tasteless, odourless and non irritating gasses are sensible for this method. Helium, argon and nitrogen all fulfil those requirements, and are readily available to purchase (helium especially).

I dont know how hard it is to get helium.  More research to be done.

Im assuming it isnt that difficult, as Ive seen people with helium gas bottles at events for the balloons. (Im assuming it was helium).

work, i hate it

Since the merging of three departments and the restructure, I hate it.

The office politics in one of the departments was rife and they spend way too much time on stabbing each other in the back and who to get people into trouble.

I have been lucky we did not have much of this before the merger, so am not used to the stress it causes.

And the restructure taking more than a year and is still going, has not done much for my confidence or my colleagues.  A lot of my former colleagues either didnt get a job in the restructure and some that did have left anyway because of how poorly it was done and the negativeness from the one department that just like to cause trouble, not work as a team and not really wanting to do any work.

I already felt the start of the office politics and one of “them” trying to boss me around and tell me what to do, when I dont even work for them.

I had a month off work.  I just couldnt deal with it and having to work in an office with the troublemakers in a location much further away, AND changing drugs AND just wishing I could go to sleep and never wake up.