rip chester

I was deeply saddened by the suicide of Chester Bennington.

If someone who can afford the best doctors and treatment cant survive, how can we?

chester

From the Linkin Park FaceBook page.

Dear Chester,

Our hearts are broken. The shockwaves of grief and denial are still sweeping through our family as we come to grips with what has happened.

You touched so many lives, maybe even more than you realized. In the past few days, we’ve seen an outpouring of love and support, both public and private, from around the world. Talinda and the family appreciate it, and want the world to know that you were the best husband, son, and father; the family will never be whole without you.

Talking with you about the years ahead together, your excitement was infectious. Your absence leaves a void that can never be filled—a boisterous, funny, ambitious, creative, kind, generous voice in the room is missing. We’re trying to remind ourselves that the demons who took you away from us were always part of the deal. After all, it was the way you sang about those demons that made everyone fall in love with you in the first place. You fearlessly put them on display, and in doing so, brought us together and taught us to be more human. You had the biggest heart, and managed to wear it on your sleeve.

Our love for making and performing music is inextinguishable. While we don’t know what path our future may take, we know that each of our lives was made better by you. Thank you for that gift. We love you, and miss you so much.

Until we see you again,

LP

Visit ​Chester.LinkinPark.com

 

 

So many ways

Take a lot of my medication and drown in the sea or go to sleep and never wake up

Hang myself

If I had a gun shoot myself inthe head with a helmet on so I wouldn’t make a mess

Walk in front of a fast moving bus 

a day in bed

Today kitty and I stayed in bed all day (except for two visits to the kitchen for kitty snacks).  It would be so easy to do this more often.

I just feel nothing inside about everything but kitty.

I love him to pieces and wouldnt be here if it wasnt for him.

I have NO motivation to do anything and if I didnt have kitty, wish I could fall asleep and never wake up.

It would take some time for friends or family to notice that I wasnt around.

Only my boss would notice me missing and as he knows of my depression history, would be concerned if I was OK.

I hope kitty is around for a long time to come yet, as I cant imagine life without him.

I am empty other than his affection for me.

outing

I have four days off.

Ive only left the house to get milk across the road in three days.

I havent seen anyone otherwise.

Until tonight after a few wines, I went to a club a gambled a fair bit of money away.

It was boring and a waste of time.

bf is away, so noone will ever know.

I just dont care about anything.

If it wasnt for my cat, I just wouldnt bother.

If only the numbness/depression would end.  Its been going on for years.

All I want to do is stay at home with my cat.

The only reason I bother with life and work, is to look after my cat.

I wish I could go to sleep for the last time.

blah

Life is so blah.

The only thing I love in life is my kitty.

I only have one left.  I lost Morpheus a couple of months ago to a blood clot paralysing his back legs and then heart failure.

It all happened so quickly, it still doesnt seem real.

He was on my lap the night before relaxing and purring.  He was up and around for brekky in the morning.  I came home and I didnt notice anything was wrong until kitty dinner time, when I had fed them both and was cleaning up and he howled.  It was then I noticed he was dragging his back legs.

He spent the night on pain killers and under observation.  As his breathing had not improved we had to say goodbye.  My poor, sweet Morpheus.

Life was numbing before, and now more so.

Alarm, drag myself out of bed, work, home, sleep and repeat.

 

still here

It’s been a long time since my last post.

I have had the motivation of a chair and just couldnt be bothered doing much at all.

It has also been a long, tiring journey between my last post and now.

I am still here because my kitties are still here and I cant abandon them.

They are 16 years old this year and I love them more and more everyday.

The doctors changed my medication again early last year, because yet again the previous one wasnt helping and changing medications is not a fun ordeal.

The new drug Zoloft (sertraline) did help for quite a while.  It did not help my sleep at all for the first few months.  Once my sleep evened out, I wasnt as tired as I had been for the last few years.  It was great not to feel tired all the time.

The last couple of months, I started to feel tired again and my mood flatlined again.

A couple of weeks ago, due to an arrogant colleague, I dropped into that deep, dark place again and started having sleep issues again.

I did my research online and increased my medication by 50mg.  I went to the doctor the next week and they suggested increasing my medication by 50mg and gave me temazapam to help me sleep.  I didnt tell that I had done it already the week before.  I missed a week of work and didnt leave the house for days.  The temazapam hasnt helped my sleep, so Im going back to the doctors today to see if they can give me something else.

Im still not loving life.  Im only here for my kitties.

I wonder if the depression will ever go away for good…