tough times ahead

bf and I just seem to grow farther and farther apart.

He works six days a week and three nights a week training to be a fencing instructor.

I went back to fencing about 10 weeks ago.  This was not an easy feat.

I did it for him, because he wanted be to go back.  I also did it for me.  I once enjoyed fencing and due to confidence issues, I had to give it up.

I have no self esteem or confidence.

The first night I went back I was so anxious, I had to try not to cry.

Each week has got easier.  It helped that the guys in my classes were friendly and also showed difficulty in getting some of the things we were taught right.

None of us passed the Novice course.  Im not surprised that I didnt, as I had forgotten so much.  It had been eighteen months since I last fenced and the last couple of months back then were are blur, due to my anxiety.

Surprisingly it did not upset me that I hadnt passed.  I guess the fact that noone else, probably helped.

I have decided to start from scratch and start at the beginners course, as there were references to the Beginners course that I did not remember as it was over two years ago.

So, I will go in and start from scratch and maybe in time I will get back to where I was.

I have to admit I am glad that I went back.  It was a major feat for me.

There are also a lot of nice people in the Sabre Centre.

Getting back to bf.

He will be working days and four nights at fencing.  This  does not seem to bother him at all.

I dont think it has crossed his mind that it means we will see even less of each other and when I mentioned it to him, he got annoyed with me, even though I wasnt talking to him in an annoyed manner.

Tonight he only had to be in the centre for an hour, but stayed there anyway and didnt get home for another 2.5 hours.

Tomorrow night he is going in and then going to another fencers place for drinks.

He just doesnt seem to factor me into any of this at all.

Maybe I am being to needy.

I have, like a lot of individuals do, go into a relationship and lose their “self”, their individuality.

I am going to have to start to get back to being an individual and not saying no to plans, just because bf is busy.

It will be hard times and everyone else will have there own things that they do now. So, Im going to have to deal with some instances where everyone else is doing their own thing as they have done, since I slipped out of the social circle.

It is going to hard, seeing that I have no self esteem to start with.

I will have to try to focus on work, and stop having so many days off, due to my “mental” issues.

My drugs arent working, so I am going to have to change drugs again.  What fun that will be!

Last time I thought I was going to lose it, as I didnt know what to do with everything that I was feeling, that had been numbed from the previous drug I was on.

This is going to be a screamer of a roller coaster ride.  And trying to not have days off from work and keep the constants thoughts of wanting to be dead.

If it wasnt for my kitties, and worrying about who would look after them like I do and love them like they do, I wouldnt be here anymore.

Thoughts of wanting to be dead are regularly creeping into my mind.

I am too weak to actually follow through with it.

I have progressed from wanting to go to Kings Cross and asking one of the bikies for a gun or finding out how much they charge to kill someone (me), to stabbing myself in the head repeatedly with an ice pick (I dont think this would last long and would be way to painful), to hanging myself off our back stairs, to taking lots of valium and going for a swim in the ocean and falling asleep in the ocean and drowning.

I have heard that drowning is a peaceful way to die, after the initial loss of air and intake of water.

Maybe the world will all end at once and then I wouldnt have to miss my kitties and they wouldnt have to miss me.

It breaks my heart to think about them wondering where mummy is.

They are so precious.

I dont know if I have the strength for whats coming up.  Only one way will tell.

One of the hardest things is that I dont have anyone to talk to.  bf is emotionally unavailable.  I now know what that means literally.

I cant talk to friends, as Im afraid of the stigma attached and them thinking Im a complete crazy person, which I may be anyway.

i cant even remember the last time he hugged me, the last time we had a passionate kiss or a kiss other than a peck hello.

I miss hugs.

I feel so numb, so empty.

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