on this roller coaster called life

Up and down, up and down… I will feel ok for a day, maybe two, three and four and then, smack down hard on the bottom again I feel so numb, I can feel the numbness in my face and the deadness inside. I just want to curl up in our dark bedroom and escape. Ive been watching a TV series call Orange Is The New Black.  In one episode Piper gets one of the girls to do her hair and mention how good it feels to be touched by someone, as in prison there is none of that. I cant talk to bf because he doesnt like serious conversations.  They make him uncomfortable.  For quite a long time, I used to hug him for no reason and he would tense up and say “what you want”.  After I asked, he said that his family were not a huggy family.  Mine was, so I feel like Im being starved of affection. I cant tell my friends what Im going through, because people talk and they would gossip. A guy we know, who I used to call a friend, he is a psychologist.  I rang him one day, as I was really struggling and told him some things.   A few months later, someone brought the topic up at my birthday dinner.  If a person who is a psychologist cant be professional and keep friends personal issues to themselves, who an. I always seem to get burnt by people.  I am not a mean person.  I can keep a secret.  All I seem to get is mean people, who dont care enough to think before opening their mouth. I seem to attract mean people. I was targetted in my 20’s in my job, by some overweight women.  They got me into trouble and when HR asked me to sign what they had said, I would not. I was targetted in my late 20’s by a girl who came to share my office, when hers was being renovated.  I had an argument on the phone with my boyfriend at the time and she complained to our boss. I was targetted again in my late 30’s by an Indian girl, who was listening into a conversation and pulled race card on me. I am far from racist.  I was brought up to accept everybody and did.  My eyes were opened wide by someone pulling the race card on me. I seem to attract these kind of people.  Maybe it is something I do, that I dont realise.  Maybe I deserve what I get. If I do, it is not intentional.  I have a good heart and dont intentionally do unkind or mean things to others.  I know how it feels to be on the receiving end of unkindness, meanness and down right nastiness. I hope I dont come across that way to anyone. Whenever I have taken out my frustrations on a shop assistant or a customer service help desk on the phone, I always make a point of going back and apologising, as I dont think it is right to take it out on other people. I still often wish I was dead.  Then there would be no pain. Im too weak to actually finish myself off. The only reason I am here, is I dont know who would look after my kitties the way I do.  I put them first. Eventually they would get over me and forget me.  My bf would move on and find a better model to upgrade to and probably be happier. He would find someone who doesnt have my issues and be happier. I am broken and cant see myself ever being fixed. I distance myself from everyone.  Maybe this is why I have noone to talk to.  I cant trust anyone.  I cant burden others with  my issues or the way I feel, because everyone has their own crap to deal with and dont need to hear mine as well. We exist.  I dont think we go to hell because we are already in it.   This is no life.  All we do is work and sleep, work and sleep and have numerous obstacles thrown at us along the way to see if we break. Clearly my drugs are not working. Ive been to the doctor and  four times have  been given referrals that are the wrong type of doctor and a doctor nowhere near where I live. It is like my destiny is to be pushed over the edge when I can be pushed no more and then fall or break completely.

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