evening out

The Allegron has started to even out.

The GP lowered the dosage, as it was making me stutter and I started having panic attacks again.

After a week or so after lowering the dosage, Im not stuttering as much and it is gradually going away.

The panic attacks lasted a couple of weeks and have stopped also, since lowering the dosage.

I, however, am not evening out.

I still am having reoccurring thoughts of death and different ways I could achieve death.

I have seen an episodes in a TV shows where someone has  shot themselves and killed themselves and another where they wanted to shoot themselves and had run out of bullets.

Both times I wished it could be me, so I dont have to deal with my depression, anxiety or panic attacks.

Or worry about if I cant go to work, that I will lose my job and then cant pay the rent and have nowhere for my kitties to live and have money to look after them.

I dont want to hurt anymore, I dont want to feel like I do anymore.

I wish I didnt have to be strong anymore and go to work, so I can look after my kitties.

I feel so alone.

My friends dont know what is going on and I wont tell them, because then they will talk to other friends and everyone will know, probably think I am crazy somehow.

I cant talk to bf.  He doesnt like talking about serious things and cant handle emotions being showed by either of us.

He would probably be better off, if he didnt have me.  He could find someone younger and will go out more  often to the pub to drink.

I think he would get over not having me around and move on.

Im surprised he havent traded me in for a younger model already.

I often wonder why he stays with me.

He isnt all bad, he has many other good traits that not enough people have. eg. honest, trustworthy.  And he loves my kitties.

I dont want to have to be strong anymore.

Im tired.

So tired.

But I dont know if I am even brave enough to finish the job.

So Im stuck in limbo.

Kitty is sick, but hopefully increasing the dose of his tablets, will keep him well.

If I lose kitty or I am involved in another crime, I know I wont get back up again.

I dont want to keep going now.  Life is so draining.

It would just be easier and less draining if it could end.

I wish I didnt have to go on. Or go to work tomorrow.

But if I stop and I lose kitty, I will die inside first.

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