On Friday we were going to go through reliving the first robbery.
I thought I would be OK and would be able to just tell what happened.
I had to close my eyes and walk through what happened in the first person.
It wasnt as easy as I thought it would be.
Ive very good at blocking thoughts.
If the robbery ever entered my head, it always is at the start of the robbery when the two guys with balaclavas first came into the area where we were with the money.
I was always able to block it at that point and move my thoughts onto something else.
There was one point in the robbery that I had always managed to block out and havent thought about for a long time.
When we got to that part of the robbery, I became quite upset.
I have managed to block it. Have never talked about it to anyone and havent allowed myself to think about it myself, or admitted to myself how much that part of the ordeal scared me.
I dont know if I could ever admit to anyone, even bf or any of my family or even talk to anyone about this part of the robbery and why it scared me so much.
Afterward, I had to do a list of stretches with a heart rate monitor and they were noted down.
The psychologist advised that from going through reliving the ordeal, that it can cause flashbacks.
I didnt do too much today, just things around the house.
We went to a friends birthday dinner and for some reason did not feel like socialising too much.
I get the feeling that a couple of “friends” (a married couple) that were there tonight, dont like me very much.
When I think about how I am, I probably wouldnt like me either.
Im sure I come across in a way sometimes, due to my anxiety, is not very likeable.
I find that when I go out now, if it is quite noisy, I get quite anxious immediately, which makes me a bit a little bit sensitive and annoyed.
Whilst just sitting on the couch, I had one of those flashbacks of the part of the robbery that scared me the most, and it made me cry immediately, just out of the blue.
Im feeling quite depressed at the moment. Quite numb.
On TV a young girl said “at least if your dead, the pain goes away”. I agree, but have never heard it said out loud. How accurate that statement is.
My homework is to do this at least twice this week. Walk through the robbery out loud and afterwards do a list of stretches with a heart rate monitor on and save the heart rate readings into the heart rate monitor watch. I am not really looking forward to doing this, but it might help me in the long run and also help with their research.
Reliving the ordeal and then doing some stretches afterward is to help them somehow. I cant remember exactly.