to hell and back

What a week Ive had.

Im exhausted.

I have felt so many different emotions this week, I am absolutely exhausted.  I really hope I dont have to go through to much more of this.

My first morning back at work on Monday, my mind was in a fog.  I managed to get the weekly reports done.  What a task to do them through all the cotton wool in my head.

My two 7.30am people didnt show up.  One of them I had to ring and I had clearly woken him up.  I was the only one there until about 8.15am, so had to log into the phones, so there was someone to answer the phones.

An interesting start to the day!

My Director from the new department came in for a catch up.  My department  Director and my new Director have different ideas as to what the want for a project I need to organise and this is not the first time that I have been stuck in the middle.  The new needs to speak to the current and agree on a direction and then I can do it!

I got quite frustrated and thankfully one of my team told me my mid morning meeting had arrived.  Awesome timing!  We went to a cafe for a tea and a chat.

I have some submissions to write for various things we require and this is new to me, so need to be able to think and focus, but I cant, as my head is full of cotton wool and feels numb.

On the way home on the bus I started to feel very anxious and by the time bf got home, I felt like I was starting to “lose my shit”.

(Just thinking back to this is making me feel anxious and wanting to cry)

I had to take some Valium and a couple of cigarettes and a glass of wine.  Not a good mixture I know, but after a while, started to calm down.

The next day my head was still in a fog and dont remember much and dont think I achieved too much.

I do remember emailing my contractors and advising them that as they are on a daily rate, that they now need to work 8 hour days, instead of a 7.5hr day, and to let me know if they have any queries.

On the way out I asked them about it and they were discussing it.  The contractor that I regard highly, had contacted their agency, to find out if this was OK and he didnt seem happy about it.

The day before I had spoken to his agency to ask them to increase his daily rate, as he deserves it.  So it surprised me that even after this, he was not happy about an extra half an hour.

On the way home I was feeling very cotton woolly and anxious, so went to see the GP to see if they had something I could take temporarily, just so I could focus.  The GP told me I needed to ring up the psychiatrist from the Black Dog Institute re the way I have been feeling on the new drug, and didnt want to introduce another drug temporarily.

On my walk home from the GP, I rang the BDI (Black Dog Institute) and asked if I could speak to the shrink re the recommendation he wrote and that there was something we discussed not in the recommendation.  She put me on hold and she came back telling me the shrink said everything was in the recommendation that we discussed.  How did he know what was missing, if he wouldnt even speak to me! AND I havent seen.  So how would I know either.

Due to my frustration and high anxiety.  I told her that obviously noone cares about me! and hung up. I was feeling so RAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

By the time I got home from the GP (which is only a short walk), I was full of frustration and anxiety!  RAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! again.

I threw my phone on the bed.  I try really hard not to break things when in any kind of mood that I could break something.

I had to ring my Dad (again I feel like crying again, just thinking about it).  I guess this is what everyone would regard as triggering, in their blogs.

I explained to Dad, between many tears of my frustration between my GP and the shrink and the “recommendation” about me that I cannot see, but they wont talk to each other!  I took a couple of Valium and had a couple of cigarettes and just from talking to him, I slowly started to calm down.

I also admitted that the reason I had not rung him for a long time was due to my depression over the last couple of years and how I isolated myself from him, my brother, sister and some friends, as I think people have their own problems and dont need to hear mine.

I want to be able to ring him and tell him how good I feel for once.

My friends dont really know what is going on, as I dont like to tell them, because of embarassment and the stigma that comes with depression, anxiety etc.

You just dont know who will have stigma attached to these things if I tell them.

One of my staff last year said “people with depression are weak”.  He is only in his early twenties, but still there is that stigma.

The kind of stigma I worry about, so therefore, dont tell anyone.  I have hardly told bf much and hide my feelings, by crying in a different room etc., so he doesnt become aware.

Keeping it all bottled in is so lonely.  I feel so lonely, so often, even though bf and friends are there.

I woke up the next day (Thursday) and after remembering how the day before had ended with the contractors, I just could not face another day at work.

I just didnt have the strength.

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