not a good night

After the Australia Day BBQ, I had a nap.

We went to Japanese for dinner at a new place in Newtown, that we hadnt tried before.

Not long after we sat down, I noticed a really really loud American talking.

I had noticed  in the first 5 minutes of being there, I was feeling very sensitive and bf was irking me. Not for any particular reason.  He just seeming like he was being difficult, but it could have been because of my feeling anxious.

The loud talking of the American was really making me more anxious and I started to cry.

We took the rest of our dinner as take away.

On the way to the car I kept crying.  When I was standing on the side of the road, a taxi was coming and the thought of walking in front of it went through my mind.  Walking to the car I kept thinking it would be better to be dead, so I dont have to feel like this anymore.

These thoughts really scare me.

bf couldnt drive because he had been drinking all afternoon at the BBQ.

He asked if I was OK to drive, but even if I wasnt, he couldnt.

When I got home, we were on the front stairs sharing a cigarette.  Not something I do too much these days.

As bf hadnt really said much or even given me a hug, I started to cry again and put my arm around his leg and told him I need some support, some hugs, just something.  Not nothing.

We went to bed and he put his arm over me and fell asleep.

I got up and rang my Dad and cried and told him about my changing drugs and how it was making me feel.

I told him I was scared of the thoughts it was making me have.  He knew what I meant, as he has done some counselling before, for people with drug and alcohol problems.

I told him on the previous drug, it fixed the black thoughts and helped the panic attacks and anxiety, but not the depression and how I had been isolating myself from friends and family because of the depression and PTSD, including him.

After my chat with Dad, I went to bed.

One thing the new drug (Allegron) is doing, is making me sleep like the dead.  It does make it hard to wake up and get going though.

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