another teary, sometimes angry day

I stayed in bed again until 2pm.  The only reason I got up is kitty kept bugging me, so I figured he wanted some milk and/or biccies.

One of the biscuit bowls did need replenishing and I gave him some milk.

I was very close to just crawling back into bed, but I made a cup of tea and stayed up.

I had a fencing 1 on 1 lesson with our English coach, who is going back to the UK next week.  A pity.  He is a lovely man and I havent been fencing the whole time he was here and he has been suggesting I come in and do a lesson with him, so he could see what level I should slot back into when I go back.

(I have gotten to know him reasonably well outside of the centre and will miss him and his wife.)

I stopped fencing in April last year, due to anxiety and my non existent confidence.

I was a bit teary since I got up this afternoon.  No reason why, I just was and hiding in bed in the dark is what I wanted to do.

As the time came closer today to go and do the lesson, I was holding back my tears and really angry at the same time, as I felt pressured to go in by bf.  He booked he lesson with me, Im sure with good intentions of getting me “back on that horse”. I was angry at him for making me feel pressured and at the time felt that he wanted me to go back mainly for him.

We did start fencing at the same time and it was something we could do together, which we didnt really have at the time we started.

We did the four courses together – Beginners, Novice, Intermediate and Advanced.  I was starting to struggle with my confidence and anxiety in the Intermediate course and really should not have been given the badge at the end of it, as much I what I was shown was erased very quickly, due to my anxiety.

I did the Advanced course and really struggled to get there to do the classes and would be surprised if I took in any of the course material at all.

When I got there, I was trying not to cry and was anxious.

He is a great coach and if things had been different, would have done more classes with him last year, if I was in a better place.

Bf has been coached to instruct classes and will be instructing classes on his own at the end of this month.

He has done really well and is quite good at it.  The difference being, he has more confidence than I do, although does doubt his abilities often.

I used to be able to beat him sometimes, way back when last year.  Maybe I will be able to do it, if I keep it up.

I left very shortly after the lesson.  I couldnt wait to get out of there. Said a quick goodbye and wave to bf on my way out, as he was busy in a lesson, I think.

Ive sent bf an SMS and tried to call him and had no reply.  I have a feeling Im in the bad books again. Hopefully, he is just busy.  Unlikely.

Ive been in the bad books all week, due to my quietness being taken as moodiness and being peeved at bf.  I havent been peeved at him until today, but that was due to my anxiety about going back to the fencing centre.  So then, he has been peeved at me all week.


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