Not being busy at work and the two contractors being so judgemental has been bothering me a lot.
So I had a chat with my boss.
She has been working there a long time and Ive always got on well with her.
I did ask one of the few people I do trust, who is in her team downstairs, if she is a good person to talk to that wont talk to anyone else about our conversation and he said she is really good like that.
I told her that we really arent that busy and Im bored. She knows what I used to be like. Always busy, good with responsibility. These are some of the things that make me tick. I never minded going to work before when I had these things.
I did tell her the work had been given to the contractors rather than the permanent staff for quite some time now. She doesnt understand this method and neither do we, as we are the ones who will be staying and need to retain the knowledge. Not contractors who would take the knowledge with them.
She said she remembers and I told her I need these things to give me job satisfaction.
I told my other permanent team member (there are two of us) that I miss the days where it was just the two of us and we were busy and knew the environment well. I never had days off and I had job satisfaction. He agreed that he missed it too.
My boss said she thought there was something not quite right in our area and she was glad that I spoke to her because it made more sense now.
She mentioned getting rid of both of the contractors and said maybe start with one. She was going to have a chat with her boss about it.
I woke up last night at 3.30am and upon awaking I was instantly racked with guilt at the thought of one of them not having their contract renewed because of me, even though we dont really need them.
I told her it wasnt personal, it wouldnt matter who was taking the work away from us and making us bored. I just dont see the point of going to work if we dont have enough to do. I hate being bored. Im sure a lot of people would love to be able to go to work and do nothing, but not me.
My depression raised its ugly head again with a vengeance when all this started, but I only pinpointed it earlier this year, that this it really started to get worse.
I feel so unneeded, hopeless and useless.
Im nervous of the outcome.