fantasies of the end

Back in the early 2000’s when my panic attacks, anxiety and depression was at all time high, I used to fantasise about the end a lot.  Every single day I just wanted it to be over.

I started having panic attacks in April 2000.  I remember that day well.  I didnt know what was happening.  I had heard of panic attacks, but didnt know that I was having one and didnt know much about them.

Oh how my life changed!

I started a new job two weeks later and Im pretty sure they regretted taking me on.  I had a fair bit of time off.

When I was told by a doctor that I was having panic attacks, I still stayed in denial for a long time before I accepted that panic attacks was what I was actually having.

They ruled my life for a long time.

I eventually went to an Anxiety Disorder Clinic.  They werent going to let me do the course because I had already started medication.  If they said no, I didnt know what I was going to do.

My Mum had even come up to stay with me to help me because I couldnt go anywhere without having panic attacks.

Mum came up because I wasnt answering calls from her or my brother.  I hadnt been going to work for a couple of weeks because I couldnt get there because of the panic attacks.

They contacted a friend of mine and she came around and found me in bed and quite thin.  I had lost a lot of weight and back then I was already quite thin naturally.

I used to fantasise about going to Kings Cross.  There was always a long line of bikers motorbikes parked along the main street.  I would go up to them and ask them if they know where I could buy a gun.  I would buy a helmet, so I wouldnt make a mess and that would be the end.

When I realised I probably couldnt do it myself and wouldnt want a friend of family member to find me like that, I changed my fantasy to ask the bikers if they knew who could help me kill someone and how much it would cost.  When I had that information, I would tell them it was me that I wanted them to kill.

At least this way, it wouldnt look like I had done it and would probably be found by the police at some point.

I thought about other ways. ODing would probably fail (tried that one before) and I wouldnt know which drug would work, so I wasnt left with a brain disability.

Walking in front of a bus is one of my more recent fantasies last year.  But I thought knowing my luck I would probably live and be disabled and life would be worse.  Some days I would just think of getting up from my desk at work and walk out onto the main road in the city and just walk in front of one of the buses.  There was plenty to pick from and most of them have a lead foot.

Im sure there have been other ideas that I have fantasised about, but my memory is crap, so these are the only ones that really stick in my mind.

Ive never told anyone about these fantasies, except for one of the therapists that worked at the Anxiety Disorder Clinic back in the early 2000’s.  Ive never been able to tell anyone else.  I cant imagine the reaction.

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4 thoughts on “fantasies of the end

  1. I used to have similar fantasies… though actually always “just” this one: When I was waiting at the station for my train… I imagined jumping on the tracks and getting run over. I know this is not a cheerful comment … but maybe it helps you to know that other people (and probably many) have similar ideas.
    I think it’s brave of you to publish yours.

  2. Yeah – fantasies are all there is left sometimes. But generally fantasising about it can replace actually doing it; so that is a positive, too!

  3. I have those type of fantasies a lot. When my anxiety is high, I have so many a day and am glad no one can read my thoughts. I wonder if having them helps to not follow through – since I tend to follow it all the way through….

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