I hate life

Life Is still the same

It never changes

I’m no good at home

Not valued at work

Even though I try

I wish I could take my last breath

And not wake up to

Face another day

I wouldn’t be missed long

If at all

Just wish it could be over

All my energy is used

Just to go to work everyday

After that I have nothing left

For me or anyone else

Wish I was brave

So I could end it all

Not have to drag myself

Out of bed

To fight another day

I hate it

Hate everything about it

No enjoyment

In this life

Wish I could just give up

no point

I just dont see any point to anything anymore.

I have no drive, motivation to do anything other than make sure my kitties are looked after.

They are only young so probably would adapt quicker if I disappeared from their lives.

Work is a boring and there is no job satisfaction anymore.  They dont give me enough work and when they do its data entry, admin work.  I cant ask for more or appear to eager because people get threatened by this and it then I become a target.

People want to take all the credit for themselves and not as a team, nor do they want anyone else to shine.

I dont want to shine brighter than anyone else.  I just want to do a good job and help out the team.  I like to be busy and I do get a lot done, but this is not helping my cause.

So I just have to be bored and hope they will give me more work.

This doesnt make sense in my head, but that is how a colleague has explained it to me and with what I went through last year with two people, I can see it being true even if it doesnt make any sense to me to do it this way.

I have no motivation to do anything outside of work.

I dont really enjoy anything anymore.

Only my kitties of course.  Sometimes I get overwhelmed by the attention they need, when all I have the energy for is to do nothing.  I really do try to play with them as much as I can.

Sometimes I feel like just laying in bed, staring at the roof and nothing else.

I wish I could go to sleep and be with my babies Neo & Morpheus, wherever they are, and not have to deal with this life anymore.  I just want to be with them.  Life is not the same since I lost Neo last year.

I feel like handing over our investments for our retirement to my partner, so I just dont have to care anymore and go and hide away somewhere and disappear forever.  I cant fathom all the years left to go to retirement, going to work and having to put up with humans who just want to shove me in a dark corner and hope I disappear.



Well last year was a really crap year.

It all started at the end of 2017 when a new boss started and starting making my life a nightmare.  It carried on through 2018 and thankfully as a Christmas present to everyone he resigned and finishes next week.

If you’ve read my blog you would know I have been struggling with depression for a while and was SO close to the edge and falling over it.

His way to manage this was to try and get rid of me and try to have me medically retired.  This made it worse.  I wish I could retire!  Life would be a lot easier without having to find the energy to drag myself out of bed and go to work everyday.

I was then to start working with a new girl, which wasnt an issue.  She seemed nice at the start, but turned out to one of the most horrible people I have ever worked with and very passive agressive.  My manager informed me that she had been complaining about me, but would not tell me exactly what about, so I had no idea what it was I had done or how to fix it.  We had a meeting to try and resolve it and we both agreed we could move forward.  A week later apparently she was still complaining about me.

This was not helping my depression or getting to work with my horrible boss and bully co-worker.  This caused me to take sick days and then after a a whole week at home I managed to drag myself back to find out I was being relocated by my CIO to work for my old boss on a project.  This was a relief!

If I hadnt been relocated, I dont think I would have a job anymore and may not have made it to the end of 2018.

When I started on the project with one of my former colleagues I found out that the Project Manager was getting rid of him.  This surprised me, as I had previously found him great to work with.

After a couple of months of being on the project, I started to see why my former colleague was so unhappy.  The Project Manager was very passive aggressive and was not nice to a lot of people.

I was next.

It was great to work for my old boss as we work really well together, but the Project Manager treated me really poorly.

During the first couple of months on the project, I lost my soulmate/best friend 18 y.o. kitty Neo.

screen shot 2018-07-02 at 6.35.57 pm

This left me empty, numb and incredibly heartbroken.

Going home to an empty house without his furry face at the front door and following me everywhere was so painful.

I am still heartbroken and miss him SO much.

No being will ever come close to what he meant to me and the bond we had.

My partner not being emotionally available was good for a week and then went back to his usual unavailable, moody self.

It has been an even more lonelier year than any of the previous years with partner.

I now had no soulmate.

I talk to him every night before I go to sleep and wish that I could just not wake up and be with him wherever he is.  If he is anywhere.

Im a skeptic and dont believe in anything, so am not convinced that we go somewhere and that I will ever see him again.

If there is such a place, I ask him to be in my dreams, so I can at least be happy in my dreams.

So far, I have not seen him in my dreams.

My Dad’s cancer came back a couple of months ago, after two years in remission.

Three months earlier his check up showed no cancer and now its back and aggressive.

We nearly lost him over Xmas, as he caught pneumonia due to the chemo killing his immune system.

He is still with us and very slowly improving.  We just have to see how he goes day to day.

I can only hope this year is better.  It couldnt possible top last year…

I don’t want to hurt anymore

This feeling inside just never really seems to go away.

It just magnifies when other humans make it so.

As life goes by I seem to come across more “horrible” and sometimes nasty people that just exacerbate the deep feelings of hurt inside, so that it never really goes away.

I don’t belong here with these people. I don’t fit in with mean humans. It’s just not in me to be mean to others and try and make there lives any harder than it need to be.

Of course I know some good humans, but there just seems to be more of the not so nice ones.

And others just sit back and let it happen because they’re probably too afraid to say something or don’t really care.

Mean people at work are definitely one of my biggest weaknesses. It really gets me down. And when management don’t do anything about it and seem to listen to these people rather than the many it affect, what can you do?

It’s been going on for a while and now the headspace I’m in makes me unable to interview for other jobs.

I wish I could leave this earth.

What is the point

Life is just a continual roller coaster.

Just when you think things might get better, they turn to shit.

The good bit doesn’t last long either.

Not just one thing, but everything. Work and home.

You can guarantee when things turn to shit at work, bf turns it into about him.

If I’m feeling down and depressed he turns the conversation into about him and my feelings are only acknowledged momentarily.

A girl I was working with kept complaining to management about me. I don’t know what about, as no one has told me.

Because of her I was moved back to the city office pretty much overnight.

I was not enjoying sitting next to her because she is very passive aggressive, but I didn’t complain about her because I don’t like to be a dobber.

She did me a favour. The city office working for my old boss is great.

It was good for about a month, when I discovered she is still complaining about me, which has turned management attention to me again and now I feel like shit again.

Bf was pissed off with me yesterday because I asked him “what he was doing today”. He snapped back “looking for a job. Isn’t that what I’m supposed to be doing!?”

Bf got the sack last week due to his bad attitude at work. He can be very moody. I’m glad I don’t work with him all day. It’s bad enough we spend most of our lives st work, let alone with someone who is moody.

I just wish I didn’t have to deal with humans anymore.

I want to give up.

I generally don’t enjoy life. Except for my cat of course, which is the only thing that keeps me here.

I’ve done my research and found a painless, unmessy way to go. I’m just too gutless to do it.

difficult time

I’m struggling at the moment.

Feeling really low, no self worth.

The tears are on and off. It doesn’t take much to start them.

I just can’t seem to escape the depression. It just keeps coming back.

It won’t let me be free.

I’m finding it hard to go to work.

My motivation is very poor.

I’m so tired.

I don’t know what to do so I can finally be free of it. I just want to feel like I used to.

Nothing seems to help.

things I am managing to do

Im trying hard to squeeze some things in when I have the time or energy :

  • I have managed to write poetry on the train on the way to work. (never written poetry before, so its my version)
  • Do my 5-15 minutes of Japanese (beginners) 2 – 3 times a week,  to help with my trip to Japan in May.

(I did study two years of Japanese in the early 2000’s, but hardly remember anything).

  • Reading a book on my iPad on the train on the way home, at least 3 days a week.
  • Reading a paperback book for a while when I go to bed (if Im not too tired) 2-4 nights a week, as the light on iPads is supposed to make it hard to go to sleep.

and the Taiko drumming.

I used to be able to do so much more and want to do so much more.

it’s a start.

2018 has not been fun

Troubles with troublemaking women at work.

I dont like to speak at work anymore, because everything is taken out of context and relayed in a new version that makes me look bad.

I feel so tired all the time.  The fatigue is a killer.  It makes it really hard to go to work 5 days a week.  Do doctors do anything to help.  No.

I have no energy or motivation to do anything but sleep and hang out with kitty.

I want to go back to sabre fencing, but I am soooooo tired.

We have started Japanese Taiko drumming, which is fun.  The ony reason I make it there is because I get a nap in between.

Taiko Drumming

I also started archery earlier this year and have done four lessons, which gives you the safety (green) card, so you can practice at any club you belong to.  I havent managed to go the last three weeks.  Ive needed the weekend just to catch up on sleep and try to conserve any energy I have.

If only I wasnt so tired, so fatigued, Im sure I would feel so much better.

Im thinking of getting my thyroid tested by a specialty clinic to have it properly tested.  So many of the symptoms the thyroid can cause.  I have.

  • Weight gain around middle?
  • Feeling tired especially at 3PM?
  • Feeling foggy?
  • Waking through the night?
  • Poor memory?
  • Depression and Irritability?
  • Constipation?
  • Aching muscles and joint pain?
  • Muscle cramps?
  • Craving sugar and carbs?
  • Feeling the cold? – This one not so much. I am like a walking heater.
  • Hair loss?
  • Using coffee and alcohol to lift you?
  • Poor concentration?

It’s so hard to function feeling like this.